SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wish there was an "On the Fence" forum because I'm really one foot in and one foot out. I'm 4 months out from DD2, 12 years out from DD1. I filed for divorce last Monday but still doing couples counseling and we are communicating a lot (still reside together). It's exhausting to be on the fence but I've finally accepted that is exactly where I need to be and that has brought me a lot of peace and pride the last week.
What I have come to realize is that I'm split because I see two different people when I look at my husband now. On one side I see my best friend, my life partner, the father of our kids, a person now trying his best, etc.
On the other side, I see a coward, liar, betrayer, and fraud.
I set boundaries this last Friday and I'm happy I had the courage to do it.
1.) Have the best Christmas possible and focus on the kids
2.) Don't hijack my despair and share your hurt and pain with me at this time. It's like he punched me and now he's asking me to hold an ice pack on his hand.
3) Do not bring up "the spark, rekindling romance, sexual needs, kissing, etc." Only focus on friendship and co-parenting for the next 4.5 weeks.
After the Holidays it will be 5 months DD2. If I have made no progress on being on the fence, progress means leaning one way or the other for a solid 2 weeks or more) then I will move forward with the next step in divorce.
Sometimes too much has happened to continue on with the person. I know I can move on from the affair (sexting and kissing) but I'm not sure I'll be able to move on from the deception and lying to me for so long.

Posting is helpful in processing and accountability.
Has anyone else experienced this "on the fence"? Any insight or other ideas are welcome.

I think the process of R could just be called sitting on the fence, or at least the beginning stages. The foundational promise of fidelity that we build our lives around is uprooted. We are psychologically scarred. If we choose to stay at all, it’s a terrible idea to fully commit. So we sit back and watch. We carefully evaluate: what are they doing, what do I want? Sounds like glorious fence sitting to me. Do you have a negative association with that? Some situations call for caution instead of commitment. The aftermath of an A definitely falls into that category, IMHO.

Thanks, agree 100%. I think my negative association is the unknown of what I want. I am impatient with myself so allowing myself to just be without knowing what I want feels extremely uncomfortable.
I am noticing when I start leaning into the marriage for whatever reason (he's saying the right things or I'm reminiscing, or imaging us being old together) that I then do a self-imposed reality check by re-reading the disclosure letter or read through the texts with AP to remind me of the harm he caused.
In turn when I'm leaning out for whatever reason (large variety of reasons) I do another reality check and think of how lonely I'll be and how I can't imagine my life without him or I think of the memories over the last 33 years.
It's almost like I am not currently allowing myself to lean in one direction for too long before I remind myself to stay on the fence.
Not sure if that makes sense.

It's almost like I am not currently allowing myself to lean in one direction for too long before I remind myself to stay on the fence.
Not sure if that makes sense.

That sounds super healthy to me. And I really like your boundaries.

Thank you, I'm really trying to move forward in the best way for me.

It’s hard work to figure out what we as the betrayed want. I spent a lot of time looking at what had been stolen from me and saying I wanted that back. But that was ashes now, so no options there. Plus it wasn’t even that amazing if I’m really honest with myself (and it took the better part of a year to get there for me). Infidelity is too big of a bomb going off in your life for there not to be major changes. Change is scary and hard. Give yourself permission and time to figure out what you want and then pursue it with a whole heart.

I can completely relate to your experience. I don’t know the particulars of your d-days but the timing of your two d-days feels a bit like mine (8 years D-Day one, 1.5 years D-Day two—only d-day two was just finding out that the original cheating was actually physical too). At your point, 4 months post d-day 2 I was absolutely fence sitting. At best it was fence sitting because really it was every day spent figuring out in my own mind how I would leave in 2 years. All the particulars of that step. Some of the news I got on d-day 2 I simply could not accept without contemplating leaving. Like you I resigned myself to living in that limbo, although I did not take steps to divorce (partially because my youngest child has one more year of highschool and it seemed silly to blow her world up when I could just wait one more year). At some point, maybe 4 or 5 months ago it really changed. I no longer think about leaving really. I can now stomach thinking about what was done to me. I am rereading "Cheating in a Nutshell" which is all about the disgust you feel toward your spouse, seeing him as "a coward and a fraud…" as you so aptly put it. I believe that my husband was that. It shocks me that he could stoop so low. But I also see significant change. We are having our talks every other night now. We had been doing it less frequently and he has requested more. On the in between nights he will still offer to talk and will remind me about talking the next night. I am just watching this and wondering if it is real, or just a deception to get what he wants.

I think my point is your feelings may change drastically. Four months seems really early. How would you not still see him as someone you want to get away from. I know how hard the limbo is, it feels like a form of torture. If you can’t deal with it anymore it is totally reasonable to walk away. It sounds like you have a very good plan for how to try to objectively monitor your feelings and take action if there is no improvement. The process is excruciatingly slow.

When I reached a point of more certainty I did delete the old texts. I was doing what you are, rereading them whenever I made any progress. I have some regret about deleting it all because it has made the process of my husband writing an accurate timeline more difficult. You are entitled to keep reading that stuff forever if you so chose. I don’t think you will be able to make much forward progress while still reading that stuff. I wish you could put it in a safe deposit box for a month to see if that would help.

Sending you virtual hugs, I am so sorry you are going through this.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 3:29 PM, Thursday, November 30th]

Has anyone else experienced this "on the fence"? Any insight or other ideas are welcome.

Yes very much so. For the first two years, I would say I was quite bothered, upset as I could not seem to make up my mind whether to continue living with my husband as I had such a myriad of feelings good and bad to digest. I read someone's post here, that helped me deal with this ambiguity of feelings and thoughts. Something along the lines of I see my husband as a generous, caring person and I see him as a coward and a liar. The word that helped me is AND. There are no but's or or's. My husband is the whole package: the good and the bad.
Five years later I put together an idea or plan to protect myself against his hurting me one last time. Is this still sitting on the fence? Oh in my mind , yes it is.
It feels good sitting on top of the fence. One can see things on both sides, as well as what's in front of the fence and what is behind the top of the fence.
It's almost like 360 degree vision. I feel safe sitting on my fence.

And I like your boundaries.

I know how you feel. D-day was almost a year ago and I’m still sitting on the fence. It’s because of my kids. Do I really want to blow up their world right now? I wish he had cheated/gotten caught before we had kids….I would have been long gone. I don't know for how long I’ll sit on the fence. For now, I’m ok being in limbo because I know that both decisions - staying or going - will be hard.

If it helps at all … I’m one year out and I’m still on the fence. No wedding ring on currently. He was in no rush to tell me about his infidelity so I’m in no rush to figure out if I’m staying or not!

Well, I’m at 2-3/4 years on the fence. One minute WW is the love of my life, next minute she is the most selfish cruel person I’ve known. I think I’m still on the fence because I’m waiting on her to get it. She may never and as time passes by, I get more OK with that every day as I keep discovering how good hearted of a person I am and that I can be OK without her. My heart wants her so much, but my head is my safety factor reminding me that she still puts her needs above mine. In a way, like a few of you have mentioned, sitting atop the fence is not all that bad. I have the option of going which ever direction I want/need. For her, she now has to sit and wait for my decision. I almost feel bad for her being in that position, but A. She could have never cheated preventing this situation, or B. Going to the maximum of effort in trying to repair the damage she’s caused. She’s really done neither so I find it hard to feel bad for her.

Small t/j:

For her, she now has to sit and wait for my decision.

But she really doesn't. The ball is almost entirely in her court. All she needs to do is start putting in the effort. You have been very clear that you would like to reconcile, and the only thing holding you back is her lack of effort. She has figuratively placed you on top of that fence; you would gladly get down if she did her part.

End t/j

I'm a bit over a year past dday1 and about 2 months past dday4. Our MC was recently telling me that "one foot in, one foot out" is not a healthy state for me to inhabit for too long because it'll become a comfortable way of life but not a healthy one. She also said that if I needed more time, that's okay, but at some point I really should choose for my own good.

I feel like I'm barely on the fence. It's more like I'm standing on one side of the fence (the R side) and looking longing at the D side and wishing I was there. I'm trying to be more "true neutral" and getting back on the fence to give WH a real chance. It's hard after everything he's put me through, but our teen has 3 years of high school left, and I'm trying to prioritize her needs over mine.

I'm starting to come to a place of surrender that living like this is okay as long as I don't want to die every day (I did for a long time). I'm trying to be in the moment/live in the present and worry less about where my life will be in a few years. To make peace with not knowing or having a plan or even a direction. I became badly disabled in recent years, and no one can predict whether that will get better. My career and hobbies have taken massive hits. Now my family life is also a wreck and in limbo, so I'm practicing radical acceptance and surrender - that it's okay to take one day at a time, to feel what I need to feel, and to defer making any long-term commitments or taking long-term actions. I think it helps that I'm near 50 and have already done a lot with my life. Our relationship was good for the first 25 years. That can be enough.

Thank you for all of your responses, it means a lot. I'm sorry all of you have experienced this pain too.
I realized this last week that being on the fence is not bad, as long as I can feel sane and have some peace in moments here and there. My spouse has bad ADHD and low executive functioning so I'm not sure I can heal while simultaneously being in this relationship. Our teen also has 2.5 years left of high school so I was going to wait it out but I am thinking I just can't anymore. I'm not seeing the personal work on himself that would make me feel secure. He is doing the work on us but not on his ADHD and executive functioning, impulse control, nor is he willing to take medications. This doesn't make me feel secure that eventually it won't happen again.
For now, I'm going to get through the holiday as friends and co-parents and then decide what is next for the rest of January.