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Hi Mrs P

Sadly, for those of us who have been in R for some time it is true it never goes away completely.

I think it get's worse for me when I am not feeling connected to my wife. Coincidences do happen, and anyone can lose faith at any time. It is a choice to take steps to remedy that loss.

I see it like this. It is one of the most significant experiences I have had in my life. It was as life changing as anything else. Why wouldn't I remember those events.

The thing is on my days I can tell myself that my W has been authentic for over a decade. She did the work and goes out of her way to avoid deception and I see that effort all the time.

Triggers, for me, aren't usual a developed thought. It is a sudden reaction that sneaks up on you. It takes me time to use my coping skills and self soothe before asking my wife for assurance.

In short even though the work I have done is present it takes time to work through trigger. I don't get them near as often, but I am human. If you cut me I bleed.

I can tell you that experiencing a trigger over a decade later is demoralizing for both of you. It can lead to hopelessness and despair. Don't go that route. Don't give it too much power or meaning.

So I have some sympathy for you both. The A is always going to be part of your history and you have to find an agreement between the two of you on how you plan to deal with them. What works for me might not work for your H either.

Heck, I think people keep replaying the worst moments in our past even outside of infidelity. It is part of the coping process to assign it meaning and reduce the brain space it takes up.

I've said my peace on IC for your H a long time ago. No need to re-visit.

It is good to hear from you. I wish you a happy holiday season

Hi there MrsPanda,

From another wayward who is about on the same timeline as you, I gotta say that your experience with your BS still triggering occasionally after this long matches mine. It's rare, but it still happens. His triggers aren't about suspecting me of cheating but rather about ways I thought and things I did during the affair and in the early times (a few years) after D-day and particularly things AP said and did in his presence during the affair. That is a score he does not feel was ever settled and it still bothers him.

All the work you and I (and our BSes) did aren't ever going to prevent triggers, I don't think. That work goes a long way, though, in how we deal with them and whether our response to BS triggering is reparative or destructive. Way to choose repair!

To anyone on the early part of the journey of reconciliation, developing some tools for dealing with crummy feelings that are wholesome instead of destructive is going to be really helpful over the long haul. Learn to approach conflict by dropping defenses and leaning in with curiosity. It took me a while to develop those skills but that work was 1000% worth it. My mantra is, "It's not the thing. It's how you relate to the thing."

Nice to hear from you MrsPanda.

Fellow waywards, proceed with conviction and valor. Peace and healing to us all from a still EvolvingSoul.

Hey MrsP, how is your BH doing?

Hold him

Love him

Reach out to his network, tell them what happened, ask them to call him

The loneliest thing for a guy is the first year-so much support-then nothing. No one ever asks how he is doing. Everyone assumes he is (or should be over it). We want to talk about it, but everyone in out support network is unsure if bringing it up is too triggering. And we don’t want to burden anyone.

Does he have a guy friend who is a BH? Even one who divorced (which is how most people find out). Sometimes sitting with someone who has been thru it, you don’t even need to find the words, they just know.

Take ownership (again) and let him know he is the prize worth fighting for. Slay these demons again (together).

((Hugs)) to Mr. And Mrs. Panda

Hi Panda, I'm a BH 12 years out so let me share my perspective. My assumption based on your husband's words was that he discovered the PA on his own (as I did as well). I was not concerned about the physical betrayal as much as the fact that my wife looked me straight in the face for over a year with no adversity whatsoever. Vulnerability is hard, and transparency carries risk. If I cannot trust you to be vulnerable enough to be transparent, I would offer you a hall pass if only to avoid the deception (low self-esteem). If you are unhappy, please have the basic integrity to tell me so and we can end our marriage decently. Of course, the issue surfaces in that you did not do this before.

A relationship is a house an affair burns to the ground. Doing the recovery work can rebuild a new house, but your BH may still harbor doubts about your integrity. Some years ago I thought about creating a honey trap, eventually realizing deception is what I despise and I will not be part of that. However, I feel I need to see my wife in a similar situation and make a different choice this time completely of her own accord. I am constantly on the lookout for disloyalty. For example, one time she was busy at work, but I needed a ride to urgent care (vision issue). My thought: If you cannot be there on the few occasions when a partner truly needs you, what is the point of partnership?

Clearly your BH has doubts, albeit infrequently from your perspective. Maybe you are at the highest point of trust achievable. You can ask your BH about what he needs to rebuild trust but the question is out of bounds. He needs to experience you making a different choice unfettered by his expectations. I am in the same boat ... Can I trust my wife to be vulnerable enough to tell me the truth when she previously chose not to? Maybe...

I rarely post and would get banned if I posted what I really thought. So, I am only going to say that we cheaters are selfish to the max and should never reconcile for the sake of our BS. The best thing my betrayed ex-Wife did for herself was to divorce me after catching me cheating a couple of times. I went on to betray other women after her for nearly a decade before I got my head out of my ass and grew up.

I wish everyone, BS & WS alike, to have a very Happy Holiday season!

Hello
I don’t want to be a BS that never seems to move on but do we really ever move on? I’m at least 10 years out and while explaining that to WS seems useless maybe it will help others. I don’t believe I am loved. The love language I have experienced no longer works for me. I honestly don’t believe none biological love exists anymore. I don’t care to either. I never want to have the emotional connection that leads me to that again. I’m not sure anyone will ever be that close again. No one will ever be that close again but it isn’t necessarily healthy

It has been 10 years for my BH. Seldom triggers.....BUT still can. I have tried to imagine - what if our roles in this were reversed and I was the betrayed. I honestly don't believe our marriage could have handled that. I am so glad my husband has remained in my life. When it gets clunky, I know I have caused a lifetime of pain. We all need to be honest. This is a lifetime of pain, regardless of how well things are going.