SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know I haven't been particularly active on the forums for a while. I have previously been a somewhat prolific poster. It almost feels like the last subject I started was my three year update (which was bigger than this and even made it to the healing library!).

The four year mark is interesting since I haven't really given the A much thought over the last year. The "2-5 years" to heal rings pretty true in this sense. To some degree I might even stop dropping 2 from the options if you go for R. I think 2 is maybe possible if you go the D route, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around getting there in just two years if you go for R. I now think of that as a ridiculously fast reconciliation. 3-5 years is scary to think about, but is probably the advice I would give people in JFO that are thinking about giving R a chance.

I really appreciate the help I got on this forum and am almost certainly would have made worse decisions on my own. I think it's the right thing to do to pay it forward and will try to drop in a little more often. On the other hand, now that it doesn't really occupy a lot of my mind, I find myself sort of stirring up emotions when I post here, especially if I get on JFO that aren't particularly helpful for me. I wouldn't call any of them unresolved, but it's sort of like scratching at an old scar.

I've been very busy (and successful, I suppose) at work for the last year as well. This is actually probably my biggest struggle right now is that I'm working a little too much. One time my wife brought up that her A started when she was working too much and she felt like we were losing our connection. In response, I have been doing my best to reprioritize in order to keep my marriage and family before my job.

We have definitely graduated from everything being about the A. When we to struggle, it's with mundane marriage issues. I think that's a big win, but maybe it doesn't always feel like one in the moment.

One thing we have done throughout this whole thing is kept our kids as our shared top priority. I'm not saying I stayed for the kids (though if I didn't have any, I probably wouldn't have stayed). But we have made sure that they are doing well in school, and are growing up healthy physically and emotionally.

My wife is planning our anniversary date this year, which is nice since historically I have done it, and for those of you that stuck through my saga, she has generally let me down on the gift giving and special occasions front.

Maybe not the most exciting update, but I thought I ought to at least swing by.

Thanks for the encouraging update. You have certainly paid it forward to me, and I’m sure many others. I hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday season.

Thanks for the update. It's always encouraging to hear from someone further on in R where it's going relatively well.

What struck me is that you said you probably wouldn't have stayed had you not had children together. I have also told my WH that I almost certainly would have proceeded to D immediately if we didn't have a child at home. As you said, that's not to say I'm staying only for our child, but she's the main reason I was willing to give R a chance, not least because we would have had to remain in very close contact anyway as co-parents. I just couldn't bear the thought of navigating divorce and healing from the trauma of infidelity at the same time as seeing WH daily and keeping my shit together in front of our child.

Sometimes it worries me that I'm doing the wrong thing, and that I should have divorced regardless of sharing a child, so reading your articulation of that same consideration was somewhat comforting. Thank you.

Good luck with the next 4 years.

You’ve also been helpful to me.

I appreciated what you said about the time range often being 3-5 instead of 2-5. At 2 years I was nowhere close, but I turned a corner at around 2.5 years. Now I’m almost 3.5 years out and feeling pretty healed, though there’s scar tissue, and we’re still figuring out what the post infidelity relationship looks like.

I appreciate you. Thank you for the update.

Thanks for the update, I just had my 4 year update a few days ago, and every year I think of the new members that joined when I did, mainly you and Underserving. We navigated this mess at the same time.

You are correct about the 3-5 years healing in R because of all the work it takes for both spouses. I wish you and the Mrs many more positive updates.

Always good to see you TiF.
Your 4 year update reminds me a lot of where I was at that time. Incredibly uneventful - I actually think I missed it entirely. But that's good right? That's the goal.

We have definitely graduated from everything being about the A. When we to struggle, it's with mundane marriage issues. I think that's a big win, but maybe it doesn't always feel like one in the moment.

Agreed - the A doesn't come up much at my house anymore either. It's not looming large (or even hiding in the corners) of the regular (mundane) marital squabbles.

I wish you continued success at work and normalcy/lack of excitement at home.

Great update. I wish you both well!

InkHulk, thanks for the well wishes. I still follow your threads even if I'm not posting much. I think you have a good chance at R, but boy have you had a long road.

uncomfortablynumb, it's not the first time I've said that you need a practical reason to stay. I really don't think love alone is enough. People that don't have kids, a house, a business, or some other non-romantic entanglement are facing a huge uphill battle and what you have at the end might be a better relationship, but one with permanent scars. My marriage is practically better now than it was before the affair. But I think I could have gained all those tools without the A, or if I got in a new relationship, applied those skills and lessons without the direct trauma. Other people might have a different opinion on this topic, and I don't deny them that opinion. Just my view of things.

Grieving, I don't think I realized how confused and ineffective I was at the beginning. I also tended to believe I was further along than "most people" would be. I thought my specific (less severe, but it's not a competition) circumstances and otherwise strong relationship (the A wasn't just another step in a pattern of abuse) meant I could R faster, but I really just think that dictates whether you can R at all. I don't think anyone getting into this realizes what a monumental marathon effort R is. It just can't really be communicated without experiencing it directly.

emergent8, I've always appreciated your point of view and thoughtful posts. Things have been pretty normal, and the way my life works is DDay is super close to my real anniversary. So we have been treating each other quite a bit the last few days and it's been a fun lead up to Christmas.

WOES, I think you and HikiningOut gave me great perspective throughout my journey. I think one thing I've noticed overall is that it's hard to keep WS participation up and not have all the hurt BS's jump down their throat. I think that having examples and trying to find that right level of understanding of the WS's experience has been a key part of my journey. I do think it would have been easier intellectually (perhaps not practically because divorce is brutal) to maintain my "integrity adjacent" belief that that cheating was a dealbreaker and my wife is an irredeemable *fill in the blank*. So, thanks again if I haven't thanked you enough.

Late to this, but I want to echo your last post.

I agree that love is not enough, though I think it's one of the requirements. It's not just kids and finances, though. For us, it was the bonds that we had created over more than 40 good years together and a belief that we could recover and enhance those bonds.

I agree that there are scars that are permanent, even if they fade over time - and triggers are always a possibility.

D-day anniversary - you just reminded me that mine is in 2 days.

You've done a lot of work, more than enough to take a few victory laps every year. Thanks for posting your thoughts and your update.