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Had weeks of no triggers, days of not thinking about the A. And, then FWH wanted to watch Love Actually. I love that movie. It used to make me cry every year. I will never forgive Alan Rickman’s character for cheating with his secretary. I have no idea how his wife’s character could respond so calmly throughout it all. Little triggering, but not bad.

Found out this morning that my coach is switching to OW’s team….and then ran into OW….again.

Long haulers, I’d really love for this not to matter so much to me anymore. It’s gotten much, much better. I so wish that it didn’t affect me at all. I’ve done all the therapy. I’ve done EMDR. It’s not bad….but could it go away? How?

I watched Love Actually recently, too, and I was thinking back to when I first saw it 20 years ago. I never imagined that it would be Emma Thompson's character that I'd identify with. A few hours after disclosure, I had to go pick up my daughter and act like everything was fine, and I did it. I have been calm except when I'm alone, and then I scream and sob and burn shit. That moment when her character is in the bedroom looking around gutted me. And her expression at the airport in the end - that mix of grief and disappointment and resignation - it was all spot on.

How long? That is the question that we all ask.

It depends. Fresh out of college I landed my first professional job. Suit and tie. I owned the world, and I was ready to show everyone. Everyday on my way to my desk I passed a bulletin board that had a note on it that said "mind your own business, and someday you will have a business to mind". It pissed me off. People needed me in their business, 'cause I was smart. I needed to be in other people's business because...if I am honest, I liked the drama. But that is not what I told myself. This was the early 1990's

Damn if that quote is not a part of my life every day now. After I applied this philosophy to this situation, I got better, my marriage got better, when I minded my own business. I worked on me. When I was tempted to go pain shopping by looking for triggers, I stopped doing it. When something happened or I saw something that triggered me, I did my best to separate it from my experience. It had nothing to do with me, stick to my own stuff. I also realized that being triggered was up to me, and if I did not make it about me, I got less triggery. (Less drama)

Because my FWW was my business, I worked with her to get her healthy psychologically, but I paid no attention to her APs or their families, or their business, or anything else. (that was hard) They were not my business and as long as they stayed away, I did not engage with them.

This, more than anything, helped me. No, I did not rug sweep. I faced my stuff head on (after a while of floundering) and FWW faced her shit. Then it started getting better. And now the A's are a thing of the past, and they get smaller in the rear view mirror. They are still there, and they take vigilance to ensure they stay there.

How long? It depends. It depends on you.

[This message edited by woundedbear at 10:08 PM, Wednesday, December 13th]

Woundedbear....did you ever get to a point when you could just look through the AP without having a visceral reaction. I can handle myself in the moment....but then have to totally build myself back up. Or, will this always be? I'm sure there is some part of me that IF I let this go, is afraid that it might happen again. Though I realize I have no control over that.

Ladybug
I am fairly new to R so I don’t have any good advice to share with you. But I just wanted you to know that I’ve always admired your strength in dealing with the AP. I know you’ve have many run-ins with her and you’ve somehow found the resolve to keep moving forward and not let her deter you from your ironwoman goal. You are a warrior in my book!

Ladybugmaam—

I’m only 2.5 years farther into my healing than you and I can only add that I’m stronger than ever, happier than I’ve been in a long time, but I can’t say the A doesn’t ever haunt me. Intrusive thoughts that still matter do happen, I’m just better at processing them faster and focusing back on better things.

Ultimately, I think all trauma hangs with us at some level forever. I guess some call those emotional scars and infidelity sure seems to cut deeper than about any other loss or trauma I’ve experienced.

I also think you’ve had more real world obstacles having to deal with AP in a small community. My wife’s A happened in a small town, and part of the reason she kept it secret after the A was over. AP was a family friend, who I never got to confront about it to this point, but I KNOW it would be worse if we hadn’t moved away.

The biggest trigger for me has been my wife. You have multiple real world triggers, your husband, the AP and the town/families/friends. I can’t even imagine having to deal with people who would take the same side as the AP.

It doesn’t mean I think the recovery you’re aiming for will take longer, you just have more grief to conquer.

Every change, every trauma in my life is still with me. I allow that the pain of the A has also changed me, some for the better (as in, finding levels of strength I didn’t know I had).

I also allow that I get a choice when a bad memory interrupts an otherwise decent day. I get to feel what I feel in the moment, process it and then know more good things are happening today. I always have a vote on what my focus will be in the moment. If I need to roll with some anger or sadness, then I do it, and move back to where I want, which is gratitude for how far I have come.

I don’t even think we are required to completely "let go" to heal properly. I see all my life as a series of dominoes that fell in the order they did to get to me to this moment. Knowing I can’t change a single thing about the past, but that I can do a whole lot about today really creates that focus that I may or may not be explaining well.

When my mind wanders back to the pain, I understand it is still on guard. I like that my mind doesn’t want to feel that kind of pain again, so it constantly posts thoughts and reminders like some people use sticky notes in a kitchen. I appreciate my brain for the safety check and then return to what I am doing today.

We can’t control the past or if our spouses will break bad again, we can only control our response to the next time intrusive thoughts happen.

The focus is on the life I want. I want my relationship with my wife to enhance my life, not be an anchor. I want an M worthy of my time. I can’t control what happens next, and I’m fine with that — because if a worst case scenario ever happens again, I know I am strong enough to rebuild my life back into what I want — solo or otherwise.

I guess that ‘knowing’ my value and my strength is the path that will get me to where I want in dealing with those haunting moments (those haunts are more rare than before too).

Thank you OldWounds.

After having a few days to process....and getting a boatload of Christmas cards from all of you....I'm feeling much better. And, my car is FULL of glitter, which makes me smile.

My beloved coach checked with the OW's former team.....and the coast will be clear for me. The head coach did say that he had no intention of coaching OW ever again. Made it clear that he knew something of the A and wasn't inclined to have her back. So I can keep my great coach and enjoy the new teammates that I've been avoiding for fear of further run in's with OW. I'm grateful for the support from this group.

I'm a big "manifester". Prior to and post finding out of the A, one of my biggest desires was to feel more like my FWH's girlfriend rather than the wife/mother that I was feeling like firmly in middle age. I'm beginning to realize that perhaps this had to happen for us both to realize the work we both had to do. Doesn't excuse it, doesn't make it ok, doesn't make it easier to take. But, I can be grateful for where we are. Thank you for validating that Oldwounds. I'm grateful to know that with time, processing the "ick" gets easier/quicker.

Ladybugmaam, I was lucky, we had moved away from the state we lived in where the original A's had happened, and the last one was an EA that was long distance. I cannot imagine living there as I would have had to see the APs almost daily. I did not find out about the A's until I caught her in the EA, just before her planned trip to see him.

It was easy to be removed from them as I did not have to see them or worry about ever seeing them in person. It allowed me to have to have an easier go of it when I decided to not engage in any way with them. I blocked anything related to them in social media, I deleted every email that had to do with them, any digital way that could be a trigger, was deleted or shut out. Then I had to work on making sure I had a positive alternative to intrusive thoughts. That helped too. But focusing on not focusing on the APs and making sure I focused on my health, then getting my FWW healthy was the best way to move forward. Make no mistake, people who cheat are typically pretty broken people psychologically, when it comes down to it, that is the chink in the armor that allows them to go down that path.

But if I am honest, if I had to see any of these so called men in real life, I would likely feel a strong urge to walk up to them and kick them square in the nuts. (I don't think I would actually do it, I have too much to lose if that happened) But when I feel that way or want to fantasize about doing that, I have to go somewhere else in my head and focus on positive ideas, not revenge. Keep pushing forward.