SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So this is hard for me. It’s been about 2 months since I found out, but I feel like the fog has recently lifted and I’m more unsure than ever.

My husband became very closed off in September. We’ve been married for almost 9 years, together for 11. I know him. I noticed immediately and my gut told
me his interest was elsewhere. I started trying to watch him more carefully, check his phone, watch his location, things I wasn’t typically doing.
I also tried just confronting him about it all but he remained shut down.
We finally went to talk one night and had a really good conversation where he opened up a bit. He’s always struggled with mental health (anxiety and depression) and he disclosed that recently it just felt a bit worse, more overwhelming, like a light switch. He didn’t know what happened but he was just different. We agreed to keep pushing, I asked him to look into therapy and we continued on.
But things still felt off.
I kept checking his phone randomly until one night I went to a hidden photos album on his phone and there was a screenshot of a message between him and his supervisor - where she was asking him not to go to sleep, and to continue talking to her - which he agreed to do. There wasn’t much more in the screenshot besides her reiterating that she really loved him as a friend (specifically as a friend) and that she liked talking to him. But it was saved and hidden. And this thread in his phone I had been skipping when I looked through it because I knew it was his supervisor and I truly didn’t think there’d be anything to find.
Boy was I wrong.
I confronted him, he apologized. He said he had started having trouble at work, that she was helping him and also encouraging him to seek therapy. She began checking on him outside of work which turned into conversations about their personal lives (and inevitably issues about their personal relationships) and this lead to emotional feelings between the two of them, which then lead to the physical. He cheated on me.
I know most people say this, but I NEVER saw this coming. He has been the most nurturing, committed (or I thought) thoughtful, hands on and giving partner and father. We have children together, young children. This is so not the man I know him to be. I couldn’t have been fooled this long, and my gut knew the second something was off, so I know I couldn’t have ignored it for years.
He told her I knew, they immediately ended it (or so he says) he got into individual therapy, as did I, and we began couples as well. He says he regrets it, that it was the biggest mistake of his life, that he desperately wants his family together and that he will do anything to fix it… I don’t know if I believe him. I don’t know if I didn’t search for it, if it’d still be going on.
I am shattered, I am at a loss, I feel like the life I’ve lived blissfully happy for a decade was a lie.

Do people really work it out after something like this? Can someone really cheat once and never do it again? How can he love me and do that to me? Why wasn’t I enough to keep him loyal? Why weren’t our girls?
I’ll never know, but I just don’t know if I should continue to pour into this relationship to save it or if it’s a lost cause.

Hi NSITC, and welcome to SI. I'm so sorry that you've had to reach out to us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that you might find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a lot of great information, including a list of the acronyms we use.

First off, none of this was your fault. You ARE enough. Your WH (wayward husband) is the one that is lacking. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. An EA/PA is hundreds, if not thousands, of conscious decisions to betray you. This wasn't just a big mistake - that's minimizing what has happened in your life.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a great reference for your WH to follow. (You can read it, too.) Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. One chapter that I found helpful was Windows and Walls, which is about boundaries in your marriage.

Has he found another job? If he hasn't, then there is a good chance that the A is still on-going. Because his AP (affair partner) is his boss, there are other issues that may need to be addressed. Does HR need to be involved?

Is his AP married? If so, please tell OBS (other betrayed spouse). This isn't to hurt them. It is to bring the A into the light because As thrive on secrecy. Also, it gives the OBS the information needed to make informed decisions about their life and what they want to do.

There are some waywards who do the work to become a safe partner, and there are many others who do not. There are those who think they have successfully reconciled only to be back 5, 10, 15 years later. Watch your WH's actions and don't listen to his words. He can say anything, but if he doesn't follow through, then he isn't really meaning what he's saying.

Also, both of you should be tested for STDs/STIs. If you have trouble sleeping or depression/anxiety, see your doctor for some medications. Sometimes you need them short-term to get your brain chemistry back in place.

Healing from an A can take years, so many things you are thinking/feeling are normal for the betrayal trauma you're experiencing.

We're here to get you out of infidelity, whether that is D or R.

I’m sorry you had to find this site and join a group no one wants to be part of. Understand the trauma you have just been hit with so that you can recognize that you now need support.

Can an affair happen just once and never again? Yes but only if the cheater takes full responsibility for the affair, is willing to make amends and gets the help needed (therapy, counseling, etc.).

Now that doesn’t mean you have to accept the status quo either. I’d suggest counseling for you. You need support as well.

I did not help my H during R. He was on his own to figure out how to repair the marriage and get me to consider reconciliation. I planned to D him so I was not invested in helping him. Best thing I did b/c I forced him to do the heavy lifting.

And if he wasn’t up for the task, then I knew I was not dragging him along on the R path and that D was the right solution.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:58 PM, Wednesday, December 27th]

It hurts my heart every time I hear about someone else who has gone through what I have. I'm sorry you have to experience this. As far as trusting him again, I think you can tell by how he's acting because of how well you know him. I found out my ex cheated because she told her sister, and her sister's husband overheard and came to me with it. I would have never suspected anything. When I confronted her, she did come clean, but she was not really that remorseful, and often would get mad at me when I would ask her about it. Well, that was clue number 1 that it would probably happen again. And it did, two years later, and then I finally divorced her. I am all for giving second chances, but I should have never given her a second chance because it was very obvious early on that she wasn't that sorry, and over those next two years there was no intimacy, she had her phone face down all the time, she never wanted to go anywhere with me, etc. If he really is sorry, he will act sorry. I hope you two are able to work through this.

NeverSawItComing,

I'm so, so sorry that you had to find us. But there is a wealth of understanding and experience here. The vast majority of us never saw it coming--me included. Finding out how deceitful your spouse has been does make you feel like, perhaps, it's all been a lie. That's understandable.

You are asking so many helpful questions:

Do people really work it out after something like this?

Some do, but it's very hard work and your husband should he the one to take the reigns. If he won't, that tells you a lot. If you can reconcile, expect the timeline to be 2-5 years.

Can someone really cheat once and never do it again?

Some only cheat once. It depends on how much work he is willing to do to embrace what the affair was really doing for him. What was so broken in him that he was willing to fix it in such a destructive way? Will he work to never repeat this destructive pattern?

How can he love me and do that to me? Why wasn’t I enough to keep him loyal? Why weren’t our girls?

This is totally about something broken within himself. Shockingly, it isn't about you or your wonderful kids. And that's a real mind-bender. He was being self-centered and lacking in empathy and repeatedly chose a path that was destructive to your relationship while it temporarily fed his needs.

I don’t know if I didn’t search for it, if it’d still be going on.

Sadly, it probably would be. Remember that you confronting him is what stopped it (hopefully it is actually stopped). Remember that. He didn't stop it on his own. He didn't come to you with a completely willing confession. So, you should be skeptical and watchful for true and ongoing ACTIONS that indicate change.

He says he regrets it, that it was the biggest mistake of his life, that he desperately wants his family together and that he will do anything to fix it.

Again, words won't tell the real story here. Ongoing actions will. He needs to be the driver in his own work to become a safe partner and drive the work to heal the relationship. You shouldn't be pouring into that; he should be. Back off and see if he does.

If you need space to figure this out, have him move in with a trusted friend or family member or into a different part of the house.

He poured energy into betraying you. See if he'll take the lead in healing the damage he created.

(((Hugs))) to you.

I don’t have much advice. Ask yourself is this something you want to work out. It will take a lot of work on his part too. Is he capable of following through. Sending you hugs. This is hell.

Don’t believe him. At least, not right now. Words are easy, having the capacity to back them up with actions will show whether he truly means them.

This wasn’t a mistake. He went through the trouble of hiding the message thread. If there’s something to hide, then he - or some part of him - knew it was wrong.

If he still works with her, hold off on giving him a second chance. If they’re still working within close proximity to each other, then there’s a high chance the affair could start up again. He needs total NC from her.

Good luck. Don’t let him slack off

I chose to D, so take my words as just one point of view among many. And sorry for the novel...

My WW (now EXWW) was forced to confess or be outed. After I kicked out of the bedroom for a couple weeks, I offered R. I had not found this site yet, so I was flying blind and making all sorts of mistakes. One thing I did was read every book, article, and self-help website I could find. I was looking for hope that my M could be saved, and there are plenty of publications that will take that position. In fact, some will tell you that your M can be better than ever. There is even a whole industry that has popped up, selling just that idea, for a subscription fee. Maybe that's true, but in my opinion, it would have had to be in pretty rough shape to begin with in order for the post-trauma version to be an improvement.

I eventually found SI and read every post, sometimes repeatedly. I gave myself the recommended 6 months to clear my head and decide if my WW was R material. I didn't tell her about the 6 months, as I always knew she was performative and goal oriented, so she would have shot for the end date and nothing beyond that. No, her change had to be real.

When the 6 month mark hit, I went for a week road trip, returned and asked her a simple question: "What are you doing to help me heal from your affair?" She responded that she could not be there for me until I was in a better place because I made her feel too guilty. Just like everything else in our 27 year marriage, she made the A and the trauma, all about her. I looked her square in the eye and told her I was divorcing her. I got up and went to bed.

It took time, but as I started to detox from the M, I started to see my life with new clarity. I was the one who carried the load during the M, and my WW was quite content that I carry the load in R. As I detached, I came to realize that I was in love with the idea of my wife, the mental projection I had crafted. I realized that the version in front of me, the real one, had few, if any redeeming qualities, and I really didn't like her much.

I also realized that all of the reading I had been doing was with a view towards R, and I failed to really take to heart the deep psychological trauma I had suffered. Oh, I read the chapters on that, but with a view to fixing my M and not with the intent of healing myself. It was pure confirmation bias on my part.

Since then, I have done much reading, and now am firmly in the evolutionary psychology camp. Many of our behaviors like HB have a evolutionary driver to them and is the reason we struggle to make sense of them. Sure, our meaty frontal lobes are great, but it's that primitive brain that drives much of what we do.

The reading I did post S and D, really explained to me why I felt the way I did after the A. I realized that I was not wired to recover from a betrayal like that. Some are; I'm not. Sure, life would have been much better financially, but I would have died a slow death of the soul, shackled to a woman for whom I had lost respect and found physically repulsive. It would have been a life of discontent.

The books that have been recommended are excellent, but there are three more I would recommend, just to flesh out the field. The first is "How Can I Forgive You?" By Spring. I come from an evangelical background, and the pressure to forgive and rugsweep was intense. Often, the idea of forgiveness is presented as a binary option, with unforgiveness roundly condemned. Spring presents a third option which really helped me move forward in my healing.

The other two books are ** No soliciting ** and "Cheating in a Nutshell". The latter is often criticized as being anecdotal, but it draws on a myriad of studies to argue the thesis. The authors argue that our visceral and physical reaction to betrayal has an evolutionary basis and is rooted in our survival. It explained why I felt what I did. Most importantly, it helped me not feel guilty for reacting to the A in the manner I did.

About 5 years after I had the conversation I mentioned earlier, I spoke to my EXWW again and revealed the 6 month deadline. She wept upon hearing this. The tears were for her, of course. In the 5+ years we have been apart, she has not grown at all, and treats her BF just as she treated me,if not worse. Even my kids comment on it, so it serves to confirm my decision to D.

I'm not advocating for D or R one way or another, just telling my story in hopes that it might help. Practically speaking, R is the better option, if you remove the emotional aspect of infidelity. I just wasn't wired for it. But even though I lost a 1.5 million dollar house and now live in a shitty townhouse, I am actually much more content than I have been in many years. I have peace in my life now.

Whatever direction you choose, I hope it ends with a deep sense of peace for your future.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:59 PM, Wednesday, December 27th]

I am not making ANY excuses for cheating. With that in mind people do cheat if they suffer long term anxiety and depression. There is someone, whose name I have forgotten, who said look at depression on a scale between 1 and 10, with 10 being the best. It is when people are in euphoria. Most of us are usually 6,7,8. We manage our lives pretty well. One is when people think about suicide. Suppose your husband was often at 2,3,4. That is depression. Sometimes they can get up to 5,6,7 but it does’t last. In my case if I get down to a 5 I go looking for the cause. Suppose in his case there is no cause. It might be genetic or bad childhood. So when someone praises them, pays attention to them, their numbers go up and often they get to euphoria. That is when common sense goes right out the window. Again, this is no excuse but until he gets the right kind of therapy he is going to be susceptible to anything that gives him some release.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 7:20 PM, Wednesday, December 27th]