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Hi everyone, I had a question and a bit of a vent. Little backstory, So my WS was on dating sites and had EA's in 2020 and was slow with trickle truth and I've had to find proof of everything to get him to admit things. He has been in therapy for years now and has improved a lot. However I just found out he also has a porn addiction. He knows with how much I've struggled yet was wiping his computer with coding and programs to hide the addiction. I was able to use programs to recover enough to verify it was porn not dating sites. He says it was the last thing he's hid from me since it's been something he has deep shame over especially since he's into hentai and didn't want to admit it. He signed up for PA support groups and added more therapy and wants us to start counseling. He did this on his own accord.

However, the past week he has been struggling mentally really bad to the point of thoughts to end his life. He hasn't been nice at all to me and keeps telling me he has to wait to see his therapist who's on vacation. I feel he's in full blown crisis mode. But a part of me wonders if he is just saying this to manipulate me and keep the focus off his issues and not work on our relationship or join the PA meetings. How do you help a WS struggling mentally when you are struggling yourself and are heartbroken?

Gently....you don't. Because anything you say or do in this situation will only teach the addict which sympathy buttons work and you may well be getting manipulated by a P.L.O.M. tactic (poor little old me, classic addict attitude).

It is hard to detach but as the acronym goes: Don't Even Think About Changing Him.

Maybe you can call 911 for a wellness check on him if he has a meltdown. Stay clear of explosive moods.

You may benefit from IC to help your healing and support you through this. I wouldn't recommend MC. This isn't an issue with the M - it's an issue with him that needs to be dealt with before trying to heal the M.

If he's threatening suicide, call the authorities. If he needs help, he can get help. If he's manipulating you, then he'll learn that he can't do it that way.

Thanks for the replies. Any suggestions on stepping back and not feeding into any possible pity party? While still encouraging and suggesting him to reach out to professionals? I see my therapist soon so that should help me but I'm really upset at the timing at the moment since both our therapists went on vacation for the holidays and he chose this month to hurt me and spiral

It sounds like you already understand this intuitively, the timing of his tantrum. Of course he's doing this when help is not available, that is exactly when they have their meltdowns. (Can you tell I've been down that road a time or two?) And it IS targeted to hurt you, in my estimation, because they have a TON of buried RAGE and this addict behavior was their coping mechanism. I've seen the mask slip and a mug shot taken of my SAWH on my freakin' birthday. NOBODY will ever convince me that wasn't "on purpose" to send me a message. So trust your gut and I hope knowing this doesn't make you retaliate in kind (confesses guilt on that one) because of course, that doesn't help, either. You can't be The PARENT and you can't be The Victim and being The Wife is pretty damn difficult, but maybe if you can somehow take yourself physically out of the equation right now, like go see family somewhere? An option I never had but would have loved to employ.

Other than these suggestions, I'm just going to say "hang on and DETACH." It's like being in a storm shelter, isn't it?

Any suggestions on stepping back and not feeding into any possible pity party?

Grey rock. You become a grey rock. Let everything roll off of you or bounce off of you because you're just a rock.

While still encouraging and suggesting him to reach out to professionals?

Stop encouraging him to do anything. He's a grown man. If he can figure out how to carry on an affair, he can figure out how to get help. You've probably given him enough information, and you can now repeat the information.

Any reaction from you, whether words or even facial expressions, feeds his ego. All he wants is SOME type of reaction. Don't give him any type of reaction. Be that grey rock - boring, unspeaking, unmoving.

Thank-you all so much. It's hard to think clearly while this is happening. I agree with all that has been said, so I'm going to detach and grey rock. Nothing else has worked so far and yes he is a 30 year old man who can figure out how to help himself. I cannot keep being the punching bag and sit here and be a victim. I'm going to work on myself and show myself the care and concern that I deserve. Only he can work on his mental health and the addiction and why he keeps self destructing.

Porn addiction is an addiction just like alcohol, drugs etc. It has its own nuances of course but at the end of the day it’s an addiction. Your WH is experiencing some kind of withdrawal and wants his fix. I have had to deal with this particular addiction with my own H and it took quite a while for him to recover. You have to ignore him. You can’t engage when he’s being this way. Hang in there we are here for support.

I'm another wife of a recovering SA.

That shame thing was huge for my DH.

I don't know I would go so far to say it was manipulation.

My husband would just sit and cry, sometimes and feel terrible. Not all the time, but he did on a few occasions during recovery v1.

Which, when you don't know how to articulate your feelings, that's as good as reaction/solution as any.

(I was just as emotionally stunted as my husband, but for different reasons. When I can't exactly label what I am feeling, still, a good cry is needed).

Back to the shame.

My husband "did the work" and was sober for about 3 years. It didn't work, because DH had not dealt with the shame. (He also didn't fully accept that he was an addict.)

So. This time, he's dealt with his shame. I don't know how. I haven't asked. We really don't talk much about his addiction. Mostly because I just don't want to hear about something that I can't really get past.

He's been sober/in recovery now (v2) for 6.5 years. I think recovery v2 is going to stick. He's stayed sober under the stresses of having one of my parents die, having another child we didn't plan on, and me getting diagnosed/treated for breast cancer.

Hello - There are s-anon meetings available online to help you deal with living with a sex addict.

Cheaters can use the disease of sex addiction as a manipulation....a way to avoid taking full responsibility for their actions (poor me, I have a disease) OR they can really have a sex addiction. If you go to the SAA website, there is some good information about identifying as a sex addict. Your husband also needs to see a CSAT for a diagnosis. If he does indeed have an addiction, it is a rough road. If he is not fully committed to SAA meetings, consistently and for the long term, getting a sponsor and doing the work necessary to maintain sobriety, he may very well relapse. The relapse rate is high for SAs and living with an active addict is misery (as you know). He will also need to have therapy with a CSAT, who can help him develop the tools necessary for sobriety and to keep you safe.

SA is a process, or behavioral addiction, like gambling. With other addictions, abstinence is the answer. For example, I have been in recovery for alcoholism for many years. I abstain from alcohol. If I had to take a drink once a week to maintain my marriage, I would relapse. For an SA, the very behavior they are addicted to is necessary for a healthy relationship. This makes it super hard for an SA to stay sober for the long term.

This man has been lying to you, to himself and most likely to his therapist since d-day. He did not come clean to you, you found him out. He has been hiding this from you. This means that he is not ready to get sober on his own and he is not currently a good candidate for R. That is why you are seeing the manipulation. He is fighting for his dysfunctional coping mechanism. If he was truly remorseful and ready for sobriety, he would have been honest. The medium (hentai, photographs, video) is not relevant. The compulsion and dishonesty are. I liked red wine. That does not make me a classier drunk than the guy on the street drinking malt liquor. It makes me a drunk. Period. No rationalization will make him better than any other addict. This is important for him to realize.

I know from personal experience that porn addiction, like any other addiction, will progress. In my husband's case, it progressed into affairs. Over time, the "high" from porn is not enough stimulation, so sex addicts go from more and more intense porn into actual sexual acting out (dating sites, escorts, massage parlors, exhibitionism, etc.). Please be careful of your health. If he was lying about the porn, he may be lying about other activities. Have you checked the money to see where it is going? I hate to be negative, but my purpose is to give you the knowledge you need to choose the life you want. Knowledge is power.