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My H is extremely transparent. If he even thinks something is important or something that if I decide to look at his phone will upset me he tells me right away.

This week he got a text on his personal phone while at work. It was from an unknown number and it just said "hey" so he replied "hello". No response. Later that night I texted "who is this"? The person said their name and it seemed a male name but not anyone he knows

*As a side note, in his job he interacts with a lot of people, there’s lots of new hires and managers and customers all the time so getting a text from an unknown person isn’t unusual but it’s the person will typically say "this is name and I’m position and I was told to reach out to you"*

Anyway, no response and my husband asked if they were part of the company and still no response so I literally just forgot about it and let it go.

Last night he was in the bathroom and he gets another text from another number but it has the same area code. It was another "hello" and then immediately this number called him. I said go ahead and answer it. It sort of sounded like a kid and a woman in the background. The kid was saying something and the woman said "who are you talking to?" They called like 10 times! They also texted their name and again seemed like a male name but not one my husband knows. One call I answered and it did sound like a young kid maybe 10-12 yo and they said "who is this?" And I said "who is this??" back and they hung up. That’s what they kept doing, calling and then saying kinda nothing and then hanging up.

Weird part is concurrent to this the other text from the day before when no one responded got a text that was just a 4 digit number and like an upward arrow. Kinda nonsense.

So I start having a panic attack. I’m Googling the numbers and seems the area code is another state not even close to us. My H is asking if I can use the numbers to find someone on Facebook and I try but no.

I am now spiraling, my OCD kicks in and starts coming up with scenarios. My H is asking me "what are you thinking? What’s going on in your head?" He knows I’m getting upset.

We don’t argue but I really am having a full blown panic attack over this. I know it sounds silly but I was freaking out especially since I’m an extreme overthinker and my brain immediately starts creating scenarios and it’s always "conspiracy theory" type scenarios.

We didn’t argue but he said "this is happening in front of you it’s not hidden, just think if I didn’t show you all this and you just found it on your own" I lost my shit! I said "what do you mean??? Why wouldn’t you show me???" He said he didn’t mean it like that but he said "I didn’t show you to upset you"

Something feels off about his response? Maybe it’s just me? He kept saying "I’m not worried I have a clear conscience, this man here hasn’t done anything" He knows I was upset but I swear it’s once a month that some "weird" email or text happens. Not to say I don’t get "weird" texts or emails sometimes but my continued hyper vigilance makes me overthink everything.

So my issue is, is full transparency really helpful? At the end of the day this is most likely some kid that used a wrong number or something but also why the two number? My mind went wild with the possibilities! I know strange things happen with technology. What really set my mind off is hearing a woman in the background. It just really triggered me.

I took his phone and demanded this person say what they wanted and since they never answered I blocked both of them.

I really didn’t need this crap. I was FINE.

I know he isn’t questioning whether he showed me the texts or not but more of him having like a tiny little pity party? Saying "great, just what I need"

He does work hard to make me feel safe. I just don’t know if transparency is always a good thing for me :(

[This message edited by brokendollparts at 1:54 PM, Friday, December 29th]

He does work hard to make me feel safe. I just don’t know if transparency is always a good thing for me

It depends… as I know your situation about being on the phone all day with him whilst he’s at work I will say hand on heart that no, that type of transparency isn’t a good thing, not that far out. I would expect a WS to accept it and offer it in the early days if possible, but working towards understanding that it is something that needs to be reduced and eventually dropped with time.

The reason for that, for me, is twofold: first I don’t believe that anyone should turn into being a spectator to another person’s life. Because spending all hours on the phone listening to everything happening in the background is being a spectator to your spouse’s life. He gets to live (even if that’s just doing his job), you get to watch, or rather listen. Imagine what anyone could achieve with all those hours if they’d focused on themselves instead.

Secondly, I believe that because you’re focused on preventing another affair, you’re not focusing on your own personal healing and your own identity. You could lose your husband and become single not only by him cheating but also by a variety of other means. He could decide to divorce regardless of having another affair or not, or he unfortunately could die. Focusing on yourself, your healing and who you are regardless of your husband would enable you to cope with any situation in which you may become a single woman, including the possibility of him cheating.

In fact I would say that currently, should he cheat again, you would not have the necessary mechanisms to cope with a divorce and I say this with all the empathy I can find for your situation.

Back to the transparency for the situation you have described, the random texts and calls: I would definitely expect my WH to show me any texts like this. In fact, because ow used to hide her number and call me, he still shows me any "no caller ID" calls he gets. I usually shrug and that’s that.

I don’t trigger but that’s the idea: once my WH offered all the transparency in the world (which I initially made good use of) I realised that it was not enough to feel safe. When we got got married I did not sign up to becoming WH’s conscience and prevent him from being a dick. I also realised that he could easily bypass everything and still cheat. What was actually needed was to work on myself and designing the life I wanted to live myself, WH is a very nice addition to it and I love him, but my life and existence does not depend on him. And that is enough.

Luna

I’m afraid I just want him to suffer because I’ve suffered and I know that isn’t healthy surely I do.

I do many things for myself. It’s not like being on the phone prevents me from functioning. I’m baking my son a birthday cake today. I play video games. I clean and take care of my elderly dogs. I do laundry and other shit. I am literally trapped in my house because we are too poor for another vehicle so what else am I supposed to be doing anyway? I have some health issues that literally prevent me from many activities.

I love being a spectator in his daily life I LOVE it. It’s entertaining most of the time. It’s like watching a reality show. Maybe I’m delusional I have no clue at this point. I think I’m just damaged so deeply I’ll never be "ok" and not just by him and his A. I work on myself daily but I’m also stuck. I have a lot of variables and complicated situations in my life that has nothing to do with his A. We have adult kids and there has been extreme trauma the last few years with them.

I absolutely exist outside of the A and outside of R. It’s not the daily focus of our time together until it is. I don’t know what else to say.

Yeah, the texts and phone calls were weird and they set me off. No, I don’t have great coping skills thanks to traumatic childhood and mental illness that literally cannot be "cured". I’ve been to therapy, I’ve read all the books I’ve done all in within my reach.

I am fully aware he may one day not be my H. I am who I am, I cannot live an unauthentic life. I’m either 100% or 0% that’s it. I’m happy in general until I’m not. Life is really rough for a lot of people right now.

[This message edited by brokendollparts at 3:45 PM, Friday, December 29th]

Honestly today I’m ready to just give up.

My entire existence is useless.

I serve no purpose.

I’m only alive because I don’t want to traumatize my kids.

I’m over it.

Brokendollparts,

Please reach out to the suicide hotline or someplace local for help. You can text or call 988.

You are worth it.

leafields

I have. Multiple times.

Nothing ever changes. I’m only here for my kids.

Brokendollparts,

I've felt that way many times, but I now identify as an empath, and I gain fulfillment out of helping others. I don't ever ask for anything in return, just knowing I can and have helped someone in need gives me purpose. You posting here shares and acknowledges what others are feeling and dealing with. It is helping others in its own way. Don't sell yourself short, you are worth much more than you can imagine. Keep posting here, we are all here for each other. ((Hugs))

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 9:30 AM, Sunday, December 31st]

Brokendollparts -

Life is really rough for a lot of people right now.

It really is tough on a lot of people right now — the world has been upside down since the pandemic kicked off and life felt ‘off’ even before that.

Half of my family tree are psychologists - one retired, two still helping folks, but I rarely talk to them about my issues, I went to an IC that was our MC for some feedback. A good therapist is hard to find, or even a trustworthy friend to allow us to vent the stuff we have to vent.

And if you don’t want to traumatize your kids, it sounds like you have value right there.

A life of trauma adds up, I had a step-father who beat me like a drum, a biological father who bailed when I was five — infidelity on top of other trauma really pushes our fight or flight mode hard (for years).

I’m not suggesting I have an answer, only that I understand.

I do think if your husband, while feeling like he made all the right moves with these calls — if he showed you some EMPATHY, instead of patting himself on the back for being good THIS time — and if he gave you some room to process this, you wouldn’t be reeling as hard. By that I mean, he has to know outside, unknown contact can be a trigger. He KNOWS what is in your head, he shouldn’t be worried whether or not he gets proper credit for doing the right thing. After infidelity, there are no cookies for doing what one is supposed to do.

Rule number one (to me) in healing is to feel what you feel. Even if coping mechanisms you may normally utilize are offline, that’s okay too.

Somewhere, I hope, you’ll catch your breath and step back and know lots and lots of us have days where we throw up our hands and hate the trauma we never asked for and certainly don’t deserve.

I know my posts focus on the positive, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t spend years crawling out of this Hell.

In other words, I definitely hear you and all of your pain here.

Venting was my best weapon against the tide, and venting here early and often was a difference maker for me.

I also agree with Copingmybest — the pain and vulnerability you are brave enough to share actually HELPS other members here who are in the same pain, but choose not to share, or are unable to share.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 5:09 PM, Sunday, December 31st]

Thank you Coping and Oldwounds

I felt very low when I posted here. I vacillate between my H being very aware, remorseful, attending to my mental health and healing and then him being a dickhead. I don’t think he does anything out of malice ever but he does lack the level of empathy I have as an Empath. No one can match me apparently.

My husband is also ND (autism spectrum and ADHD) and I am as well I think sometimes his delivery is what throws me off in my own ND brain.

We are mostly on the same page, the same sentence but when we aren’t we are in totally different books. That’s the dichotomy here.

I do have my lowest days where I feel like my existence is useless. A lifetime of trauma did this to me. Crawling my way out of all this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and since it’s an ongoing issue it continues to push my down many days.

I’m trying, I’m trying so hard to heal myself by any means necessary. This in itself is utterly exhausting. I feel defeated many days and just wish I could *poof* myself away from all this pain.

Thank you for listening.

So my issue is, is full transparency really helpful? At the end of the day this is most likely some kid that used a wrong number or something but also why the two number? My mind went wild with the possibilities! I know strange things happen with technology. What really set my mind off is hearing a woman in the background. It just really triggered me.

Gently, you're triggering. It's the trauma that's causing your to feel this way, not the fact that your spouse was transparent.

I’m afraid I just want him to suffer because I’ve suffered and I know that isn’t healthy surely I do.

Hurt people, hurt people. I'm obviously not a doctor, but you sound depressed. Are you being treated?

I get tons of robo/scam phone calls and text messages; a lot of them just say "hi" or "hello." Some of these are spoofs of actual phone numbers, so if you call back, you might reach a random person who has no idea who you are. Sometimes you'll call back and the line will be disconnected or just go silent because the messages aren't being sent by a person and the number isn't set up to accept incoming calls.

From what I've read, answering the phone and calling or texting back just makes them happen more frequently.

I don't think it's necessary or productive for you to go off on a wild goose chase every time he gets an innocuous text or voicemail from a number he doesn't know. As long as he is making his device accessible to you, then I think it's perfectly fine to just ignore these messages.

If, perchance, one of these calls/texts is from the OW, then not taking the bait and ignoring it is just as good (if not better) than telling her to fuck off.