I have tried and failed at the Love Dare many, many times, and admittedly not given it or change my best effort, and sometimes no effort at all, because of my ignorance, selfishness and laziness. So I am trying something new, hoping that all of you whose wisdom I have not appreciated before now, will allow me to keep my love dare journal here, and feel free to comment on what I am doing with stories of your own journey, criticism of how and what I am doing, and guidance if you have it to offer. I certainly need help, and have resisted help from every source. I do not know what the future holds, and I know I cannot control the outcome, but with new resolve all I can do is try harder to change. Today was another day one.
1 Jan 24, Day 1
Journal: Patience is a choice to control my emotions for the sake of others. The opposite of patience is defensiveness (which I do constantly). Instead of viewing a situation as a frustrating obstacle, I need to see it as a chance to pause, reflect, or even learn something new. I do not know anything. That is the approach I need to take with humility…if I think I know better, or anything about a topic or interaction at all, I immediately close out input, I stop listening, and that breeds rudeness and defensiveness. I need to listen and observe then do with humility and the perspective that I don’t know. When I start to feel impatient, especially in the middle of a conversation, where other calming and mediation techniques are not possible because breaking contact is rude, instead I am going to try to imagine a place or situation where I feel calm, happy, and relaxed. Visualizing positive scenarios can shift my mood and help in reducing impatience. For me I decided that is a visualization of fishing; at a mountain lake, focusing on the bobber out on the water with the occasional slow glance at the beautiful mountain scenery, clouds in the sky while smelling the scents of nature. All the while waiting patiently for a fish to nibble or strike, something completely out of my control, yet I happily wait while I observe, listen and center.
Day 1 Dare: Resolve to demonstrate patience and say nothing negative to your spouse
Q1: Did anything happen today to cause anger towards your mate?
1.She clearly did not thoroughly read my morning e-mail, as her sharp response involved me going to the store today on a holiday (which we have discussed and made clear is not a cool thing to do to all the people who have to work - it's a statement) and using her car (this is an important boundary that I am trying to respect - her car is hers and I am not entitled to it. mine is pending repairs after I got rear ended), despite me stating that today was building a meal plan and grocery list to make a delivery order for tomorrow morning, and nothing about taking her car.
Q2: Were you tempted to think disapproving thoughts and let them come out in words or actions?
1.Yes. I was irritated at the response.
Q3: How did you handle that?
1.I did not respond as I thought of and changed to her perspective that she is already deeply hurt and angry, and looking at anything I do or say through a very negative lens that I created. I have not earned trust or confidence, so it is natural for any response to be heavily influenced by those facts and all my actions. I don’t deserve a better response, so I try to see where she is coming from and adjust my thinking.
I think I acted with patience today, said nothing negative, and tempered any irritation and arrogance I started to feel with perspective and humility. I am not a good judge of myself (been lying to myself for years that I am an okay person despite being a serial cheater and raging narcissist). But I felt like to day was a good try.
All comments welcome.
