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When we are around each other I feel irritated, not attracted, disconnected from him. When we are apart I think of all the positives, miss him, and can easily overlook annoyances.

Has anyone had this happen? What helped or how did it turn out for you?

[This message edited by lessthinking at 5:05 PM, Thursday, January 18th]

I was really angry at my W when I was 5-6 months out. W rolled with it, continued doing the work seh needed to do. My anger passed, though it came back as I cycled through my own healing.

Here's the thing: you get to feel what you feel. At some point the feelings will stabilize somewhere - and you'll know what you want to do. I think what you describe is in the range of normality. If you stay irritated, not attracted, and not wanting to connect for too long, you'll know R is probably not what you want to do - and you will decide what 'too long' means.

I went back and reread some of my journal entries today. These were from before DDay. Appears I've been having these same feelings for approximately the last 6-7 years. So even before I knew about the A I had this same experience. Insightful to say the least. Also so hard reading old stuff like that. I have been lonely, disconnected, sad for a long time. One would think the DDAY would be the last straw. But alas it's never that easy! Now he's wanting to work on things. Didn't seem too concerned before I knew about the A.

I do feel this way sometimes. You are not alone.

When we are around each other I feel irritated, not attracted, disconnected from him. When we are apart I think of all the positives, miss him, and can easily overlook annoyances.

Strangely, enough, my FWS is the one that feels like this. She gets irritable much more easily than I do, but misses me when I'm gone!

I would like to say that I understand it, but I really don't, it probably has something to do with personalities and how they mix. Someone can be wonderful (like me), but you can find them hard to live with. Some people just need more "personal space" than others.

I would suggest that you speak to him about this, talking about it might help you deal with it. It also might help him deal with the unintended consequences of it.

lessthinking, I've posted to you on a similar question, but if your WH is on the spectrum, or he suffers from "low executive functioning" like you said somewhere, then YOU are the main recipient of his quirks - his communicating or NOT communicating effectively - you get to be the recipient of his acting in what seem to be selfish ways, and then claiming he isn't being selfish; the "What, ME?" reactions when you confront this, and all the other joys that go with that kind of diagnosis. It's actually much, much harder emotionally to be partnered with a person who suffers from mental health problems, than it is to HAVE mental health problems oneself! My WH doesn't have the problem; I have the problem! (I'm starting to fear my WH may be developing frontero-temporal dementia).

When I get annoyed, I recognize my reaction is coming from seeing his behaviors as a symptom of the utter self-centeredness he clearly came with, but I must have initially overlooked. I don't want to keep living with it for the rest of my days, after waiting 22 years to see him get serious about "doing the work" after D-Day 1. In all that time, while he has labored diligently in practical ways and he cares about staying married when I ask him why he doesn't leave, he acts like he has no clue how condescending and rude he comes across - or maybe he's severely passive aggressive, I can't tell. I just never observe him acting that way with his men friends who we spend weekday lunch hours with.

It's hard to explain, but it's like he just "pings" off a few key words in any sentence I start, with a tangential response to a question I didn't ask, or he says something he thinks is clever, but which doesn't move our attempt at talking towards a solution - on ANY topic! It's enough to drive me batty. I notice when he's talking to co-workers or friends, he can listen just fine, and respond appropriately to their comments. He takes turns, he makes eye contact, he smiles, nods his head, acts respectful and mutually interested. He just chooses not to do that with me. It's lonely and discouraging to be on the receiving end of this, day after day.

Does this sound anything like what you deal with?

Here's the thing: you get to feel what you feel.

Sisoon often said the thing I needed to hear when I was at your stage. Almost a year out, I still have to reconcile that fact that I love my husband and forgive him with the other fact—that his betrayal left scars that are not yet healed and might never really disappear even as they fade.

I struggle with this truth: i have come to understand the why of his affair and accept it for what it was, a dysfunctional response to depression and a lack of emotional intelligence.’ Yet forgiving him does not mean I don’t need to process my own betrayal, pain and anger.

Evidence: we just had a wonderful evening. We went snowshoeing after work, had dinner together, and did some puzzles together. It was everything we failed to do in the years that preceded his affair. Yet here I am, unable to sleep, and posting in this forum.

I love him. I forgive him. I see every day that he is fully committed to the work of recovery.

But….

I am also still healing from one of the deepest wounds I have ever experienced.

I am angry because I still hurt.

I found it helped to explain this to him. When he can show me he is a partner in my recovery, when I see that he owns the damage and wants to help me heal, I am more sure that I can trust him and believe in the more positive view of him—the view that his affair shattered.

This is the hardest path. Recovery is not easy. You both have to do the work and accept it takes time.

It’s not a straight line. If you are going to make it, you have to know he will walk it with you—-bumps and all.

Sisoon, I did look at my previous threads and agree I've posted similar. Trying to work through this stuckness so have to come back here to process. And yes, ADHD/low executive functioning, he is finally starting meds very soon.
The last 5 years I've been pleading with him to do MC and he avoided it. Now that he is in pain, knowing I have had enough of the ADHD burnout and am on the fence he is eager to do the work. I guess it's hard to believe it's genuine. I also wish he had done it for me, not just because of his guilt/shame/fear, his pain.

We have had a lot of great discussions in reflecting on our relationship. The ADHD Effect on Marriage is a great book, I see how I became the parent and he the child. He recently told me he couldn't stand how I was always pushing him to do things, such as calling his grandma, reaching out to his brothers, coaching our son's team, finishing school, and spending time bonding with the kids. What I thought was encouraging he thought was nagging and felt like he wasn't good enough. I realize for probably 15-20 years I was trying to mold him into something I wanted and thought he wanted. It's always been me taking the reigns and he has gone along for the ride both enjoying the benefits of this and resenting me at the same time.

Now we are in our 50s and too afraid to let each other go. We love each other so much but this scar may be too much.

Thank you for letting me process, even if it's repetitive. I feel each time I get a little further along.

lessthinking, keep on posting and processing, that's what we're here for!! I didn't mean to imply that because I had posted to you before about your WH's low executive functioning that we can't go over the problem again, I was just trying to express that I'm facing similar annoyance-appreciation struggles and wanted to see if anything clicks with your sitch.

(Was I too far off the mark with my descriptions?)

Superesse, you were spot on and I appreciate you're insights and feedback. It's incredibly helpful. I honestly love straight-up tell me like it is feedback/insights too. :)