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NC is necessary to stop the affair. I get that and wouldn’t have it any other way but it’s not how I normally handle things.

I feel like it gives the AP the sense that they are so desired, that the WS’s attraction to them and what they had is too strong that any interaction would be so explosive -they can never interact. 😑

All my dating life I had never been concerned about any other woman. When I was dating I was never concerned about putting restrictions on the person I was with and never felt a need to compete. (Still don’t compete)

Since the affair though the NC is a necessity. I hate that I impose that rule. I liked when my bfs were free to choose me and chose me.

Does it make sense? I miss the part of me that didn’t care about other people. I don’t like thinking of other women as possibly having low morals and that I should be cautious because apparently my husband had that gene too.

So much has changed about my personality and the way I see the world.🥺

This makes perfect sense to me.

At the same time, I can also look at it as the NC is not because the AP is irresistable in some way but because ongoing routine contact somehow normalizes the A. It somehow says that the A wasn't that bad, just an accident so it's ok for life to go on as if it never happened.

As destroyed as I am by his A, I don't feel in any way that his going NC with her, sends any kind of message to her that she is some irresistible creature that he can no longer have contact with, or else he may succumb to her. To me, it has sent the message that she was a trashy whore bag who he used to feel good about himself, but now he willfully discards, because he has chosen me and our marriage.

Your husband is still free to make his own choices, and obviously he has chosen to be with you, because you're what he wants.

If we look at affairs as abuse (which they are), then continuing to have contact with an AP is tantamount to continuing the abuse. To me, NC is the just a given requirement to continue a relationship. It's not something you're imposing on a WS (or at least it shouldn't be), its just a given i.e "I will not be in a relationship that involves you abusing me".

What happened when he went NC? What did he say?

It makes total sense how you feel.

However NC post affair also makes total sense, think of it this way: affairs are not normal relationships. They happen in a vacuum and are pretty much surreal in terms of the dynamics. There’s no responsibility, neither APs have to deal with the reality of life, no true commitment. Most affairs don’t end naturally, the way real relationships do.

Most affairs have an addictive side to it similar to drug addiction. NC is necessary in the same way as not being around cocaine if you’re giving up drugs is necessary.

All the above is only looking at it from the WS’s perspective.

If you add the trauma an affair caused to the betrayed partner, NC becomes absolutely essential to ensure the BS does not get re-traumatised. NC becomes evidence that the WS understands how badly the BS has been injured and their commitment back to their marriage.

As to the AP… frankly I don’t give a flying monkey about what she thinks. She already implied everything under the sun, from posting on Social media that I was controlling him when I laid down my boundaries and requirements to him, to stating in her HR investigation statement that WH filed a complaint against her when she accessed his personal details to please me. Sure, I mean it’s much easier to shift the blame and claim I could force a 46 yo to do as I say, rather than accept she’s been disposed of the same way she expected him to dispose of me, but she didn’t consider that a red flag.

Not caring about "competition" and other women out there will come with time and healing. I don’t care much about the women WH interacts with anymore, I do believe he’s worked hard to face it all but I also know I've worked hard to be ok if he decides to deceive me again.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 4:40 PM, Friday, January 19th]

I am so in agreement with your feelings, Howcthappen. I was very confident and never jealous or competitive, and I never imposed restrictions on relationships (besides the unspoken one of "don't cheat").

Now it feels like I'm a policeman, even if I'm not checking his phone or telling him he can't do things. He feels he has to ask me if he can meet a friend for a drink, and it feels icky, like I'm his mom. It absolutely feels like I'm blackmailing him into choosing me, even though I know he is choosing me every day... there's just something about it that feels forced and unromantic.

But boundaries had to be put in place--it is what it is. Worse than that, I spent my whole life identifying as a hardcore feminist, a girl's girl, and I was very supportive of the idea of "women helping women." After finding out so many of the women I was helping were helping themselves to my husband as a way to feel superior to me or try to steal my life, I no longer am supportive of women I don't know or hardly know, and certainly not in a professional capacity. I can't tell you how difficult it is that as business owners, WH and I have to actively try to not hire women. It goes against everything I fought for my whole life: helping women advance their careers to one day achieve true gender equality. Fucking mistresses ruin everything.

But yeah... the exciting, comforting belief that my beloved only has eyes for me and feels lucky to be with me is shot to hell. And that is just one of things that infidelity broke in our M that will never return, no matter how good things are between us.

[This message edited by Revenger at 8:03 PM, Thursday, May 23rd]

I feel like it gives the AP the sense that they are so desired, that the WS’s attraction to them and what they had is too strong that any interaction would be so explosive -they can never interact

I mean, I get it I suppose, but I think you need to reframe it in your mind. How about, instead of, "You are just too irresistable to me that I cannot be in your presence", you change it to, "My marriage is so important to me, and you matter so little, that I am happily discarding you entirely in the hopes of making my spouse even the slightest bit more comfortable."

Look, I'm a reformed "cool girl" too. If I'm being honest, my own boundaries were somewhat flexible. I never crossed them, but I can see how that slippery slope can begin. Post D-day I worked on tightening up my own boundaries with male friends and colleagues too - not because I felt like I was going to cheat or because my husband demanded tit for tat, but because the more I read, the more I genuinely believe in the benefit of them in protecting the marriage. If you can think about it as a strategy for improving the relationship/marriage versus a punishment (ie. something you're gaining versus something you're losing), I wonder if it becomes easier to palate.

I get it, at the beginning it feels like rules and no one ENJOYS playing the warden, but hopefully as you both work on your strengthening your walls, you will start to be able to trust your spouse to protect his own boundaries as R progresses.