SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm new here and wanted to take a moment to introduce myself.

I married my soul mate 15 years ago. About 4 years ago she believed I was unfaithful, so she sought revenge. She had an affair and met another married man. This affair cause a divorce in this man's life. Over the next 3 years they had on and off contact, meeting 4 times for sex. All in our home. My dday is 12/31/23. I understand that she had Limerence for this man, as she knew it wasn't love. I know we still have a deep love for each other and are committed to making this relationship better than ever.

We are empty nesters, and have the time to devote to ourselves and each other. We are both doing weekly online counseling, and will begin online couples counseling. I know there is still love because we can still sit in silence with each other touching, and we both still get lost in each other.

It's only been 4 weeks since discovery. I know where my heart wants to be, but all these triggers are hard to deal with. I'm watching videos and reading everyday how to cope. BUT IT'S FUCKING HARD.

I would love to hear if anyone is our has went through being deeply in love but so confused.

I'm so sorry you're here, but you will get a lot of solid advice and support.

This is the hardest work, I've ever done...on myself, in our marriage. I'm grateful for where we are now, but it is most assuredly a marathon and not a sprint.
Be prepared for this roller coaster to be on full tilt for awhile. The best advice I received for the early days was to just take care of myself. You will get better with or without your FWS, but it will take as long as it takes.

Sending you peace.

Tell us more about how your wife has behaved before and after Dday. I remember feeling so deeply that our love was so deep. It was special. But it wasn’t. Try to avoid this thinking if you can. What is she doing to help you. At a minimum she should be NC with AP. She should give you a completely honest timeline of her affair. She should try and understand why she did this.(usually requires therapy) reconciliation should be more about your needs than hers. The list is longer but these are standard bare minimum. Remember that she had a standard run of the mill affair. It involved all the nastiness of most affairs. I know this is harsh but I believe it is needed. Others will come with additional advice. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You can get thru it but not without pain.

D day was just a month ago, you’re probably still in shock. Give yourself some grace on any decisions you’ve made in this period. Most advise no major decisions for 90 days or so.

Also unless your signature is a nom de plume you may want to consider changing it.

What has your wayward wife been doing to rebuild trust? Has she gone fully no contact with her affair partner? Even if it means quitting her job or cutting out some of her social circle? Become transparent with all devices and accounts?

Reading and researching healing from infidelity? The two bibles for this are How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Infidelity by McDonald and Not Just Friends by Glass.

Has she written a complete timeline that includes all inappropriate behavior since you’ve been a couple with an offer to verify by polygraph? You can’t forgive what you don’t know.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you had to find us. There are some pinned posts in the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that you might find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms we use.

There is a post with a bullseye in the JFO forum that says Before You Say Reconcile - Recover. You need to heal, which you can do through IC. You might want to wait on couples counseling until you're a bit more healed. The M didn't cheat - your WW did. One saying is that IC is for you to heal you, and for your WS to heal them. Then, couples counseling to heal the M. Unless you get a really good CC, they have a tendency to blameshift some of the issues to you.

It can take about 2-5 years to heal from an A, and can be longer if you R. One month is just barely getting started, and your mind can be all over the place. We also reference the emotional rollercoaster, so there are all kinds of emotions that can come out.

About 4 years ago she believed I was unfaithful, so she sought revenge.

She was projecting her thoughts onto you. She was unfaithful, so she called you unfaithful. Even if you had been unfaithful, it still isn't a reason to cheat.

Also, please be sure to get checked for STDs/STIs. If you have problems sleeping or with depression/anxiety, discuss going on meds to help you through this part. Stay hydrated and take care of you. Infidelity is the worst pain I've ever been through.

LoveOfMyLife48

First order of business is to SXXX-CAN the "Soulmate" thing - there is no such thing - it is fantasy and/or self delusion.

Second order - complete (or as much as you need or can stomach) storyline of HER affair. also called a timeline by some -

Third - how is it she thought you were unfaithful? Write out what you think including your behavior for the time(s) she decided you were cheating and the folks here will provide feedback on why your wandering wife decided to pork another husband and participate in dissolution of his marriage.

And an ultimate exhibition of disrespect for you

"meeting 4 times for sex. All in our home. "

Read the library section of this web site - lots of info on starting down the path that brought you here.

You ought to see your physician and get tested, for sake of safety, for everything under the Sun that can be communicated by two people touching and trading body fluids.

You say "four times" - how do you know that is all? How do you know that is the ONLY person with whom she has had an affair - physical or otherwise? Consider what kind of person you have been married to that made the conscious decision to perform an act of revenge for what she perceived to be YOUR activity - which she perceived as "unfaithful?"

When you can concentrate - document everything for your finances. Then go see a lawyer or legal counsel regarding what you would be facing if your domestic situation devolves into separation leading to a permanent legal separation.

So you are an "empty nester" - how much is already known by your family of your cheater wife?

How did you find out? How much has the "other man and his wife" divulged and the possibility of that information getting communicated to your children and other family members. You need to have some plan for when/if such information is revealed.

Cheater secrets often get revealed by a random string of events for someone in the know getting loss with words to someone who can relate back to your family. Sometimes a LONG time later. There are a couple of sad stories about such on these boards.

Sorry you have joined "our exclusive club"

Keep in mind what is going to be posted on your thread is offered by those with experience and from their point of view.

Take your time in working through your thoughts and what actions you will plan for your future - you have the rest of your life to deal with the Merde Panini you have been served.

One other thing - What kind of person or what kind of thinking does a person have to do - to purposefully cheat on their spouse. What kind of love is that?

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 11:44 PM, Monday, January 29th]

I think your best bet is to slow yourself down.

You've written that you 'know' a lot. You're probably still in shock. My reco is to question everything you think you know about your M, your self, and your W. I think you'll find that you really don't know some of the things you tell yourself that you know. Think about the M you want.

It looks to me as if you see limerence as an excuse. It's not. It's a description. There are lots of attractive women around, and yet you've been faithful. Your W hasn't been. I urge you not to let the description of her behavior minimize your anger, grief, fear, and shame you feel. Recovery requires processing those feelings out of your body, and minimizing them keeps you from doing that.

You seem to want to R, but is do you really want that? My reco is to look deep inside to find the answer. You survive and thrive by acting in your own best interests, and if you're simply reacting without really considering alternatives, you may be doing yourself a disservice.

Another reco is: don't attempt R unless your WS also wants R and will do the necessary work. Love simply is not enough.

But first make sure you want R. If you do, then evaluate your W as a candidate for R. To make R succeed, you both have to do a lot of work.

Sex in the home is a hot point for me. Affairs happen. Most of the time they are done to fill a hole in the WS and often the BS is collateral damage. However when the affair takes place in the home and often the marital bed the BS is no longer collateral damage. He or she is a target and the sex is meant to stick it to the BS. There are plenty of places they could have done it, yet she choose the home. On top of that she did it out of a misguided reason for revenge. My personal opinion is that anyone capable of this is heinous and needs to really examine and work on how they can be so cruel. Again, my opinion as others here don’t seem to think it as bad as I do.

Has she explained this and does she still harbor such resentment that she could do this to you? Did she ever discuss with you her reasons why she thought you cheated?

My thoughts on a revenge affair:

Revenge is sought to punish someone. It is done in anger.

This says your wife had sex with a married man in anger.

She destroyed someone else’s marriage - because she was angry.

She used another man - because she was angry.

She didn’t discuss her thoughts, feelings, or ideas regarding your possible cheating with you - instead, she purposefully sought out sexual activity with another person and used him over a period of THREE YEARS - in anger?

Somehow this doesn’t smell right.

A one night stand might pass that smell test.

But her story doesn’t. If I were in your shoes, I would tell her to try again and find some other excuse for her affair.

Because this excuse stinks to high heaven.

[This message edited by 5Decades at 9:45 PM, Wednesday, January 31st]

My thoughts on a revenge affair:

Revenge is sought to punish someone. It is done in anger.

This says your wife had sex with a married man in anger.

She destroyed someone else’s marriage - because she was angry.

She used another man - because she was angry.

She didn’t discuss her thoughts, feelings, or ideas regarding your possible cheating with you - instead, she purposefully sought out sexual activity with another person and used him over a period of THREE YEARS - in anger?

Somehow this doesn’t smell right.

A one night stand might pass that smell test.

But her story doesn’t. If I were in your shoes, I would tell her to try again and find some other excuse for her affair.

Because this excuse stinks to high heaven.

I aggree to this - better and more pointedly said than my first post.

Also brought to mind a tagline from (I think) NTV or Not the Victim

"If she cheats on me, I am the victum. If she cheats on purpose, I am the intended victum."

(I hope I got that right)

About 4 years ago she believed I was unfaithful, so she sought revenge. She had an affair and met another married man. This affair cause a divorce in this man's life. Over the next 3 years they had on and off contact, meeting 4 times for sex. All in our home.

Best to put "at a minimum" on the end of any number in an affair. It is vanishingly rare that they did minimize as much as possible. Since you are still in her thrall, and she is a master manipulator and liar, she is most likely lying about all those numbers.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 10:56 PM, Thursday, February 1st]

Revenge is intended to hurt somebody. If she had sex with another man and didn’t tell you, it’s not revenge. You weren’t hurt. She is just using an excuse to have sex with another man.

My DDay was 2/2/2023. A year and a day today.

I identify strongly with what you say. My spouse of over 20 years, in a self-destructive response to depression, had a 3 year limerant affair.

Although DDay shook me to my core, I have come to understand this truth: he loved me and he cheated on me. He cheated on me, and I continue to love him even as I know some things broke in ways that will stay with us. I have come to understand the how and why of the affair. He has come to understand the impact of his affair on us,

A year out, we are still working everyday to rebuild. The affair was a wild fire that burned everything to the ground, but we found that in the face of that devastation, we still loved each other.

That doesn’t mean I am healed.

It doesn’t mean he’s done processing his shame and self-loathing at what he did. Once the limerance ended, he was left with a lot of self-hatred and horror, especially at how he vilified me to justify his own actions.

Recovery is a hard road for all of us.

Recovery within reconciliation has its own challenges— BS and WS.

It is a choice, every day, to stay together. Everyday, we have to choose this. Some days the choice is harder than others, but it has gotten easier because He is doing the work. I am doing the work. We see the marriage reforming, and it’s stronger.

But let’s be honest. Some days are better than others. Some nights, I am here, posting on this forum, because it’s still hard to heal.

Yet I don’t regret staying, and I do think we are on the path to a better marriage. I hate that it took an affair, but it made us both look differently at what it means to choose each other.

Give it time. See if the BS will do the work, and know that the journey is long, either pathway.