SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First - I hate seeing "back again" posts as I know how awful that feels - so first I am sorry you are here again.

Second - you expressed concern about her living arrangements. DO NOT let that be the reason you proceed with moving in together.

Third - you seem to be doing the classic thing we all do - trying to control the outcome. You can't. You also can't make this all go away.

What you know:

1. She's having inappropriate communication (at best) with someone she used to be intimate with.
2. She's having inappropriate communication with someone who is in a relationship with someone else.
3. She is aware of your background and is doing these things anyway.
4. She is lying to you about the level of interest she has in this other person as, again at best, she likes flirting with them.
5. She will have some temporary difficulties with her living situation if she does not move in with you in 2 weeks.

What you don't know:
1. If they have actually met up since the two you of you have been together.
2. If they plan to actually meet up, if they have not already.
3. How she will react when you tell her you read her phone and that she is not welcome to move in at this time.

What does not matter:
1. Her living situation. This one is the easiest to resolve FOR YOU. I know you feel like this is a big deal but the reality is, it is not. You can tell her to put her stuff in storage (and yeah, you can even offer to pay for it for a month or two IF you want to avoid the financial squabble) and she can stay with a friend or family or rent a room somewhere. While it is clearly not ideal for her, she will not be sleeping under a bridge. Heck, if you are able and just want the peace you could even help with an airb&b for a month or something so she can look for a new place. There are millions of options - this is not the end of the world and honestly isn't your problem alone by a mile.

2. That she is pissed at you for telling her she cannot move in after what you have seen (and/or pissed that you looked at her phone). She is lying to you and having communications with a former lover that are both hurtful to you and deceitful - again at minimum. This is something you are not okay with, and to expect you to open your home to her after discovering this and/or getting mad that you will not is just more evidence of a failure to accept responsibility AND a lack of empathy - which just piles on the red flags.

The only way to find out how she addresses this is to TELL her and tell her now. How she responds will tell you even more about her.

Again, I'm sorry you are here but getting yourself clear of another infidelity now can be a lot faster than before. You are better and stronger and you WILL be okay.

It sucks that your (hopefully STBX) gf already made plans to live with you, moved a bunch of her stuff into your place, and would need to figure out alternative living arrangements... but she should've thought about this potential consequence before messing around behind your back.

This type of behavior is reprehensible at any age, but it's particularly pathetic in a woman who's eligible for an AARP card.

Troutman, you have suffered and lost so much already with your ex that you shouldn't tolerate even a whiff of inappropriate behavior in a relationship. If you let this woman move in with you for any length of time, you will deeply regret it.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:49 PM, Thursday, February 15th]

I was gonna suggest you tell her that you saw the texts, even have them printed out for the discussion, and tell her the person who wrote these is not someone you consider would be a safe partner, that you can tell she’s having an emotional affair with this man and that if he’s in her life, she can’t be in yours.

Then I read Bigger’s suggestion and said "yeah, say that!"

I hope you will confront her sooner than later and not drag it out. If she’s moving more stuff I’d tell her in the next 24 hours.

Good luck.

Sorry, I’m three pages late on this thread and haven’t read all the replies cuz I’m short on time these days.

BTW, I’m short on time because I’m doing very well in my post infidelity life and Surviving Infidelity is the furthest thing on my mind. This can be your near future too, if you remain hopeful, love yourself and take care of yourself.

ANYWAY, I too, whilst dating, got burned several times, and it was very triggering.

It’s the Wild West out there especially on these dating apps and in the age of social media. These apps and social media are great at, literally, throwing you out there, exposing you to A LOT of prospects-very quickly, BUT…

Meeting people this way has its limitations and disadvantages. People on these apps, and in this stage of life, all have baggage, have history, and many are "multitasking"-if you know what I mean. With that said, there are also many very interesting, wonderful people out there.

Don’t get discouraged. Don’t start believing you’re a cheater magnet. Take what you’ve learned from your experiences with infidelity and apply it forward, constantly improving your picker. Your newfound, finely honed, above average instincts just saved your ass.

Appreciate that.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:24 PM, Thursday, February 15th]

"he's not away this week and a sad emoji" and "he's away next week maybe we can arrange something".

I assume she isn't telling you about this texting and the content.

What more do you want to find out?

He may not be very deep, but those are "wayward adult" behaviors, if you catch my drift.

This texting behavior has so many red flags that her phone wouldn't be safe to have in a bullfighting ring.

Edit to add: I would not even mention the phone, just end it, tell her you have concerns about her behavior with the other man, and you think there are too many red flags. Full disclosure, the funny thing, my FWS is very intelligent, she had her affair with a guy who she described as "kinda dumb", and she also has a temper that only has two settings "0" or "100". So, just assume I'm quite biased in this case.

[This message edited by standinghere at 11:36 PM, Thursday, February 15th]

Make no mistake, Troutman, it IS happening again. The big difference is, of course, you don't have a lifetime invested in this relationship. Knowing what you already know, you can detach from her as soon as she makes a fundamental mistake that reveals her unfaithfulness to you. Your sons will be there to support you.

Has anyone heard from Troutman? Hope he is ok.

Troutman, I would love to hear an update to how you are doing. I can’t help but assume that it’s not going as good as you would like. Maybe that is just how my Brain is wired after Dday. Let us know if you can.