SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

On June 16 last year, a day before my birthday, my wife approached me to say that our marriage was in real trouble. Honestly, I was dumbfounded because I had no idea that anything was wrong. Over the next couple hours I received a laundry list of improvements that I needed to make in order to make the marriage work.

Of most concern was how I am not home enough, but my job requires me to travel up to 3 weeks in some instances and it has never been an issue in the last 8 years. Upon me pushing back over my job, she packed a bag and went to stay at her parents, "because I wasn’t listening to her". She specifically told me that she needed a couple of days of no-contact to evaluate her feelings. She said that she would be back Sunday and we could talk more. As per her wishes, I didn’t text, call or converse with her during this time.

I thought about some of her complaints and decided to put my hobbies on hold while I catered to her. I told my boss what was happening and that I needed to compress trips if possible, move into marketing or operations, basically whatever help me save my marriage. I made a vow to increase together time, small gestures of affection and affirmations.

On that Sunday night she came home happier than when she left, thanked me for not contacting her and we discussed the steps that I could make to satisfy her. Over the first few weeks, she seemed to really like my effort. However, the more I acquiesced, the more demands she had.

Before all of this I, made dinner at least 4 times a week. I cut the grass, maintained yard work, cleaned gutters, took out the trash, cleaned bathrooms, dishes and the floors, but now I was getting "you missed a spot on the bathroom floor" or "you missed the garbage can in the spare bedroom" (the one that no one sleeps in). Her added complaints were, we don’t eat enough red meat, you didn’t tie down the pool cover correctly and it kept me awake all night.

I had enough and asked her what was going on. This was a sudden and drastic change and I was concerned that she may have had some health issues that I wasn’t aware of. Well this resulted in an hour long diatribe about how just because she is unhappy with me doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with her.

So went the months, of an uneasy accord whereby I was over-doing work at home and she was finding ways to ignore me or complain. We were drifting further and further apart. One day I was using the computer in the kitchen for a recipe, and I found her search history for divorce lawyers in our city. I wasn’t shocked but it did spur me to really evaluate our relationship and as it was excellent for 8 years and I decided not to give it up without giving it one more try.

I booked a surprise trip to Mexico for 7 days, arranged it with her supervisor and we had a great time. We seemed to really connect again. Even when we got back home the atmosphere was different. She was more attentive and more engaged than before. I thought we had some momentum and I decided that I would surprise her at her office and take her to lunch last Friday.

I walked up to the reception desk and told the woman that I was there to see my wife. She said, "she just left for lunch but if you hurry you might catch them in the garage" I hurried down the stairs and see my wifes car still in her parking stall. As I moved closer I cant see my wife but I do see someone in the drivers seat and it looks like he is sleeping. As I get closer, it is obvious what is happening as I can see my wifes head in his lap, giving the guy a bj.

All I saw was red. I pulled the driver side door, and punched him in the face. All I could hear is the ominous sound of his nose breaking. I see my wife is screaming at me not to hurt him anymore, as blood, snot and tears were rolling down this guys face. I hit him again and started walking out of the garage.

I do not remember exactly how I got home and don’t remember which route I took to get home, because I was seeing red.

My wife didn’t come home until later that evening and she was angry at the overall situation. She raged at me about how embarrassing my outburst was. How she didn’t like to see her husband unhinged and violent. How I promised years ago not to fight anymore, work on my temper and it was just another example of how bad I am as a husband.

Then she said, do you have any idea what I had to do for him not to press charges against you? I said "Did you have to suck his cock?" With that she burst out crying and hyperventilating. As she was ugly crying, I said at least I know now why our marriage was in such trouble. It was because there was 3 of us in it and I was up against the grass is greener guy. I asked her to pack a bag and go to her parents and this time I wanted no-contact until Sunday.

Being alone was probably not the best idea because all I could do was ruminate over all the things I brushed off since June. Her phone is a work supplied phone so I cant access it, it is only linked to her work laptop so accessing that was out but at least I had an approximate start date of her affair emotional or otherwise.

Then I thought about all the little arguments about me not doing a good enough job and her needing to leave the house periodically because "I just didn’t get it". It was around this time I stumbled upon what I thought was strictly an emotional affair that had not accumulated to full on physical affair.

I was wrong. I confronted her, probably prematurely. What I learned was it had progressed much further than anticipated. Apparently it was not planned, it just happened, it was just sex no feelings, that she love me, basically all the contrite crap these people say to save the situation that they found themselves currently in.

She suggested counseling, and various ways that she would make it up to me if I gave her another chance, she would allow me to have my own affair, she would donate money to my car project, every text was some new way she could buy her way out of it. Me not responding was getting her more desperate. She said that she knows she messed up and has no right to ask but did I think we could come back from this? I said it is kind of hard to come back from seeing your wifes mouth on another guys cock.

She came back on Sunday and I had packed some of personal items and asked her leave staying anywhere else, but here. Simultaneously, she was sending me ideas on how we could move forward from this, grow and be stronger. She ordered books about recovery and sent me the titles and when they would arrive. Asking me to give her a chance.

That Monday I called some highly any divorce attorneys to make appointments. I spoke with one a week later on the phone and although I couldn’t get into see him until the following week, he gave me a quick rundown on what would be beneficial to have in case I decided to divorce her. We live in a No-Fault state so the only real sticking point would be with regards to fiduciary responsibilities, aka did she spend money on him during the affair, and could she possibly be hiding money/assets in preparation for a divorce she may have wanted. I make more than her but she can live comfortably on her salary alone. We have no kids, no pets so spitting will be easier unencumbered.

He suggested for her to give me a timeline of her affair with minutia detail. That way I could use that information to measure if she spent money on him (hotels, restaurants etc) and have her pay me back or use it as a negotiation tool. He suggested me telling her that the accuracy of her timeline would be an important motivator in me choosing a chance of reconciliation, regardless of how upsetting or graphic it maybe. I told him that I assaulted the AP (my international travel would be affected) and he said although concerning he would have to explain to his wife why I hit him in the first place if he did swear out a complaint.

I keep coming back to, I want to know his name. I want to tell his wife. I want to blow up his marriage. I want to tell their boss what was going with his employees on company grounds. I want to reach out to the receptionist and thank her and see if I can glean any useful information from her. I know the above are all bad ideas until the divorce is over but we are so far away at this point and I want someone else to be hurt and embarrassed like I am.

My wife is now saying that I cannot keep her out of the house, which is correct, and that we cant move forward if we don’t communicate and cohabitate. My lawyer suggested a cooling off period just in case I can see reconciliation with her. I cant imagine what it would be like living together after she is served because I simply don’t know what she is capable of anymore. Maybe I never really did.

Is there anything in the timeline that I should ask for in particular?

You might use Joseph’s letter as your starting place. See the healing library for that. Good luck.

I am so sorry you experienced this. She doesn't seem to realize that catching your spouse on paper and catching them in the act are wildly different scenarios. While both are traumatic, actually witnessing her cheating on you in the way you did is going to stay with you forever. You'll never be able to look at her the same way, or kiss her mouth, without picturing what you saw. Tell her this, and this is why you know the marriage is over.

OP, so sorry you had to find and join us here.

Do this regardless if you’ve already (extremely understandably) committed to D, at least in your own mind. Tell her she has ONE chance to be truthful now. Give her 24 hours max to complete an utterly complete timeline, with EVERY graphic detail of every sexual act, as well as who persued who, all conversations, all dates, precisely how she talked about you to him, every location, everything. Tell her she will sit for a polygraph to confirm the timeline’s accuracy & completeness.

At least having the written timeline will prevent her from changing the narrative as often happens, to make the BS out to be the bad guy. I’d also demand she tell both sides of your families what she’s done - not out of punishment but so your families can hold her accountable and you can be supported.

After she completes the timeline, you get a copy but demand she read it to you. Watch her as she does this.

Most importantly, keep posting so we can keep advising you. You got this!

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum and some with bullseyes that you might find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has some great information, including the list of acronyms we use.

Apparently it was not planned, it just happened,

This is incorrect. Maybe it wasn't planned, but she made conscious decisions to betray you. There would have been many opportunities where she could have removed herself from the situation and not had an A (affair). Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass has some good information on this. One of the chapters that I like is about windows and walls. You have windows between you two, signifying transparency. Walls represent safeguards you place between you two and others not in the M (marriage) because they aren't part of your relationship.

Please take care of yourself during this time. We're here to help you get out of infidelity, whether that is D (divorce) or R (reconciliation). The choice of which is up to you. R is very hard because the WS (wayward spouse) has a ton of work to do, and many don't have the fortitude or desire to change. It can happen, but it's rare.

I suggest asking for a written timeline of the A, which should include who he is, when they met, how often, what they did and what her feelings were at the time. From what you've said, I think the A was going on way before June 16 of last year and that you have more bombshells coming.

If you have trouble sleeping or with anxiety or depression, please see your doctor for some meds. They can help you through this really rough time. Also, both of you should be tested for STDs/STIs. There are some nasty ones out there that can cause you future health problems.

Does she work with the AP (affair partner)? If so, then there's another layer of mess to be dealt with. If you're going to R, then she needs to go NC (no contact) and find another job. An on-the-job A can cause issues because it's possible that they used company resources (including her work phone), that HR may be interested to know about.

If you can find out who OBS (other betrayed spouse) is, please let them know. It isn't blowing up another family. It's providing information to the OBS in order for them to have agency over their life and to make informed decisions regarding their life with the truth.

Please keep posting and we'll help you out.

I am so sorry you had to find our group. But we can support you and really understand everything you are going through.

First I am hoping that there are charges filed against you.

Second you are in limbo. Your marriage, your life etc are all in a mess. You were working on the marriage and she was not. Now she wants to reconcile but you are unsure.

I point this out b/c it just may be too soon to tell whether you (and I mean you) can accept what you witnessed and get past it. For some people an affair is a deal breaker. Unfortunately you just don’t know which way you will go. And that decision may change over and over again. You may want to R but a year or so later decide that you just are not able to remain married to her.

Please get some professional counseling just for you. It can help you navigate this process. The counselor I went to saved my sanity and kept me in check. He gave it to me straight and was just what I needed.

Please continue to post with updates. You would be surprised what we can see through as "typical cheater behavior" and how the cheater tries to lie and cover things up, avoid the truth, blame the betrayed (as you already saw) etc.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:26 PM, Friday, March 1st]

Sorry this has happened OP. You've gotten some good advice and will get more I'm sure. I would add that you should take advantage of your wife's current eagerness to gain forgiveness and a second chance. As time goes on, and if she doesn't see movement on your part, I think she will harden her attitude and be much less cooperative. By her attitude, I mean her willingness to provide you with information like a timeline and answers to your other questions. I'm not saying you need to decide on R or D right away, but you are currently in a position to gain the info you need regardless of your ultimate decision. That window of opportunity may close at some point.

A cooling off period is probably wise. The D process takes quite awhile to be sure. I second leafields suggestion for what a timeline might include. But you can request anything you need to know. Your WW needs to be in IC to address her brokenness whether you D or not. Do contact her AP’s wife to expose, not necessarily for revenge, but because she has a right to know the truth of her M. However, do follow your attorney’s advice on whether exposing could lead to the AP pressing charges against you. Be smart. Very sorry you are going through this. You have suffered a real trauma. Take care of you. Do get into IC. Good luck.

epicryan

Welcome to the best club of the type none of us ever want to join.

I cannot imagine the pain, rage and shock you must have felt when you caught your wife in the act with her POSOM. Many moons ago, I too had booked a romantic luxury trip to Cabo with my fWW only to find out she cheated on me the next week.

Now, like your lawyer, I too doubt that your wife had to do much to get the OM not to press charges. If he is a coworker, especially a superior, he stands to lose his job and potentially his marriage if he pressed charges and the sordid circumstances were to come to light.

You need to get to a state of mind where you are able to make an informed decision on whether you want to give her another chance or to end the marriage. For that, please practice self-care. Eat well, eat regularly, hydrate, go outside for a walk, exercise and get good sleep.

No real insight, but wanted to let you know you're not alone in this. I can only imagine the rage you're feeling. If you haven't yet, seek out individual counseling as soon as you possibly can. Get sleep, drink water, hit the gym...all the stuff you need to do to sustain your endurance for what is likely to be a long endeavor.

The thing in your favor is she can't gaslight you. You know for a fact that she did cheat, and you have a fact pattern leading up to now that is best explained by the behavior of a cheating WW.

You've handled this remarkably well so far. Yeah, hitting the guy is probably zero sum. You could get in trouble, but so could he. Having been the recipient of a broken nose, it's a pain that you never forget and tends to leave a sometimes permanent visual reminder right in the middle of your face. Every time he looks in the mirror he'll see you and your fist sapping him of his manhood at a VERY inopportune time.

He's not your problem right now, she is. She has to be in sheer terror reliving all of those times she emotionally abused you (and make no mistake, it was abuse) knowing how busted she is now. She sounds like a very typical cake eating cheater with BPD. This line is problematic as well:

My wife is now saying that I cannot keep her out of the house, which is correct, and that we cant move forward if we don’t communicate and cohabitate.

That she won't give you space to process this betrayal really means she is just about as selfish a WS as they come. Don't try to be the bigger person and let her relieve her anxiety. Grey Rock/180. Communicate through a lawyer. Get out of infidelity. Divorce is the surest route. If she's sincere, you can always either stop the process or even try again after it's complete. She's got a LOT of work to do to demonstrate remorse and you are under NO obligation to trust her again.

[This message edited by 1994 at 7:19 PM, Friday, March 1st]

I thought I might give you something to smile or laugh about.

Considering how incredibly painful a broken nose is, combined with the blood, snot and tears you have described. I suspect anytime someone offers this guy a BJ, he will always remember you. In fact you have permanently ended or degraded is capability to enjoy that act.

Icedover, you captured exactly what my issue is, besides the lying, the deception, the manipulation, the gaslighting, catching her in the act is something that I will never be able to get passed.

Has anyone ever gotten over such a thing? I really feel like vomiting when she has tried to kiss me.

epicryan

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/joseph-letter/

The link above is a great primer on what to ask your WW to answer.

She has some nerve to try to kiss you after she had her POS OM's dick down her throat in front of you. She clearly is deluded or suffering from a behavioral disorder.

Hardyfool,

You made me laugh out loud. After I had calmed down, I actually felt bad for him. Firstly he didn't make any vows to me. Secondly, I can't imagine being in the depths of bliss and the next second being enveloped in pain.

I'm not sure if he deserved what I did, at least not by me.

You are getting good advice here, take what works, leave what does not apply.

Has anyone ever gotten over such a thing? I really feel like vomiting when she has tried to kiss me.

You can get past it, but the betrayal itself, the gaslighting, etc, is much, much, harder to get past. It is abuse, plain and simple, and IC would be very helpful for it with the right counselor.

We have no kids, no pets so spitting will be easier unencumbered.

This is coming from someone who had 4 kids, multiple pets, house, a business, completely commingled assets, and was the sole breadwinner for the household when my FWS had her affair during a mental health crisis, and who reconciled and we are still together 23 years later: Reconciliation is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, requires sacrificing years of work in order with no surety of success, nothing else comes close. The reward at the end, at best, is the marriage you should have had, with the memories of what the person next to you did to you. If you don't have the aforementioned encumbrances, especially considering what I went through, I would advise against it. Don't get her pregnant as she strives to save the marriage without doing the work.

Another thing, in case he files charges against you, then sue him, and since you are in the USA you name his wife in the suit to prevent assets being hid, and your wife separately, for the gaslighting conspiracy that led to your psychological state.

Sue for millions in damages. You likely won't get them, but the initial filing will be a shock to their outlook on this and you might walk away with a pile of money.

I got sued a number of years ago, business issue, they named all of us and our spouses. My wife was very unsettled by this, and even though I was dropped from the suit as I was not at fault, it was a shock to her. I expect that she would have been far less happy if the reason I was being sued was because I had my dick in another woman's mouth. Which, come to think of it, the prior year unbeknownst to me at the time, is exactly what she had been doing with another married man while I was at work and he was at my house.

E,
Sorry you are here and that you discovered your WW’s A in the most painful way. I would encourage you to think long and hard if you can accept what you saw and stay in the marriage. Almost ten years ago, I came home to find my fiancé in our bed having sex with a stranger. I can tell you that the visual NEVER, EVER goes away. Even though I left right away, sometimes the most obscure triggers bring it back front and center. I can’t even imagine how much worse those would be if I had stayed.

My dad caught my mom sucking his friend's dick in her car. He said he never ever forgot it. They tried to reconcile but it didn't work. They divorced. He re-married my stepmom and lived a good long life. Before he died I was having my own marital issues from my wife cheating on me. I discovered audio and video of it on her phone. He told me that if he wanted to he could still pull up the images in his mind of what my mom did way back then. Even 40 years later. And I can still do the same with my own wife's betrayal even 7 years later now. It gets burned into your mind.

Of course you can "get over" it. Lots of hard work. Lots of forgiveness. Lots of sincere changes on your wife's part. Who knows if she really will do all of the hard internal work to be a genuinely changed person and sorry and hurt by the things she did to you. She abused you and murdered you mentally and emotionally. I am not just talking about all the times she sucked and fucked another married man behind your back while she lied to your face.

I am talking about all the gaslighting and degrading you by making you feel less than adequate as a man and as her husband over bullshit things. Lies and excuses about why your marriage was in trouble and she wasn't happy, and it was all your fault. What torture that must have been for you. She was torturing you with stupid shit that you had to do better and better and better, never being good enough for her. All the while she had no problem laughing and smiling and licking another man's balls on her lunch break in her own car at her own job risking everything personally and professionally.

Your own wife was showing you the height of contempt and the utmost disrespect for you as her husband even after you took her on a romantic 7 day getaway and was doing everything you could to make her happy. In my mind I don't know how you get over this. How do you ever go away on vacation with her and not think of it? What happens the next time she complains about you not doing something right or well enough for her? What if you had not decided to take her out to lunch at work? It would still be going on to this day. She is sorry she got caught and she has consequences now. Before she had her cake and could suck it too.

By the way, her behavior in response to getting caught is very disturbing. And also very enlightening as well. She did not chase after you and rush home to you and cry and beg and tell you how sorry she was and she loves you and will do whatever. You said she did not even come home until later in the evening and she was MAD AT YOU. Never mind that she is the reason you were put in that ungodly situation in the first place. You said she raged at you about how embarrassing your outburst was. Nothing about how embarrassing it was for you to be a romantic husband surprising his wife with a lunch date only to be served with a visual of your wife orally satisfying another man in her own car. Your wife sounds like a fucking monster.

Do whatever you want brother. I know it is hard to stay and hard to leave at the same time. I have been there. My wife actually did me a favor and left me for the other guy. It almost killed me. I called the suicide hotline four times the first year. But it does get easier. And I have now met someone who loves me like I have never been loved before. She adores me and I feel safe with her. No visuals. No issues. No feeling bad. Just trust and love. That is all out here waiting for you too should you so choose it.

Look up a member on here named "spaceghost0007" and read his story. Then read it again. I wish I would have done what he did and handle things how he did.

I'm very much against violence. If I'm on a jury in a case in which one person walked up to another and slugged him, I'd have a hard time not voting 'GUILTY'. In your case, though ... if I were on the jury, I'd vote NOT guilty. If he sued for damages, I might award him as much as 1 cent and a half.

You're better off that he didn't press charges, but if he had, I think you were in a much better position than your W or POSOM was.

*****

I'd have a hard time recommending R. It's possible, but if my W got mad at me for slugging a guy just as she was fellating him, after months of making me jump through hoops, I think I'd have to see a quicker turnaround from her than you're seeing.

But ... I know my W wanted to have ow spend a night at our apartment (to protect ow from her H, ya know), and it's possible ow would have engineered my discovering them having sex, and I probably would have wanted to R. My W was so much under ow's thumb that being discovered might have snapped her into becoming a good candidate for R fast enough for me, so my advice is:

You've been traumatized. Part of your healing is build the best life you can, and if you think life will be better with your W - if she changes from betrayer to good partner - than without her, so be it.

In that case, my reco is to figure out what your requirements for R would be and see if she'll agree to meet them. You want her conscious agreement to meet them, because if she won't, R won't work.

My reco is also to ask any question you want answered. It's possible that POSOM might have enslaved your W in a way similar to my W's enslavement. If so, that may be something you can accept, if your W heals herself.

My reco is to include in your requirements: never another lie (except possibly about a surprise gift, but no surprises' is probably a good requirement, too; not going off for her own entertainment for a looong time; working with a good IC to become more of a giver and less of a taker - healthy people need both, and she seems not to have balanced giving to you and taking from you; etc., etc., etc.

If you want to consider R, great - let us know, and we can provide counsel. OTOH, if R is entirely off the table, that's great, too. Go for whatever seems best for you.

My pint is: if you make mindful choices, you can heal, and this will become an annoyance in the story of your life. Your M is ruined. Your life as you know it is ruined. The whole experience of your life is ruined only temporarily.

*****

You've been traumatized. As you heal, you'll be introduced to the fact that your W failed for her own reasons. It's not about you. She hurt you, but you do not deserve that. It's not about you. As you accept that idea, if you accept that idea, you'll be able to move on. You won't forget about it, but it will become part of your life story, but not part of you. Your W maybe monumentally lousy choices, except for marrying you - you're a good guy in general, and you're the good partner in your M. You're just not responsible for your W's choices, except for recognizing what a good guy you are.

I know you feel awful now. You'll feel awful for a lot longer than you want to. But you can heal. You can survive and thrive, even after this.

*****

You've done a lot for yourself in a short time. In terms of healing, you may be one step ahead.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:45 PM, Sunday, March 3rd]

Her manipulating you is as bad as the cheating. Every time you did what she demanded she moved the goal posts. Wonder how long she would have kept it up.
Read GAMES PEOPLE PLAY. Old book. Not about cheating but about mind games you will never win.
It was a con job on an innocent man. I hate that for you.