SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just glared at him and held my comments.

You didn’t really hold your comments.

A good question to ask before you respond is, am I going to communicate something, or am I going to try to manipulate? Try to place him into a certain feeling-state? If manipulate is the honest answer (and honestly, it often is) then pass to ask yourself why? Then do what you’re going to do.

Meanwhile, your husband will see the wheels turning and think, WTF…ohh. :)

I'm a bit confused as to why you "gently" attacked Hellfire. I didn't see a single comment that was harshly stated, offensive, or "bitter."

"Gently-
You seem very bitter. I can count on you to convince everyone here who is struggling with reconciliation that their WS is not doing the work..."

She was both respectful and honest. Please let posters know ahead of time if you want advice or just encouragement.
I don't have much experience with Hellfire responding to my posts because I don't post very often anymore on my own behalf, but it seemed like she was genuinely giving advice to help, not to be "bitter" or condescending. Nowhere does she even closely try to "convince everyone" that your spouse isn't putting in the work. I would have given the same basic advice to be honest with your spouse that she did. I would have added the caveat to do it when you are calm in order to avoid being offensive or harsh, but suggesting honesty is pretty big here on SI. You can be forthright in your communications without tearing someone down. Please try to remember the amount of experience others have. What may seem like being bitter may really be a measure of wanting to share valuable experience in dealing with infidelity. I'm sure plenty on SI would want to label me bitter because they don't want to hear some unpleasant truths, and it's easier to relegate me to being in the bitter crowd rather than to look in the mirror and see that maybe their reconciliation was false. Easier to attack someone trying to offer aid than the person that actually caused harm. I sincerely hope your reconciliation is genuine and that you can heal, but it's not cool to turn on each other when we're only genuinely concerned with helping each other.

At some point in R I think one starts curbing one's tongue if not curbing it prevents a positive outcome, but sharing one's feelings is not something that needs limiting. Or, rather, if you can't/won't share your feelings, I think something's off.

IOW, if sharing your anger is destructive, I think you probably need to be destructive. Perhaps you didn't need to share your anger on the phone, but I also think you need to share it when your H gets home. An alternative is to ask your H to deal with this disconnect - how it affected you in the past, how it affects you now, and how it will damn well affect you in the future.

If your H can't/won't deal with it, something has to change in him for R to succeed. If you can't/won't deal with it, I hope you figure out what you need to do or get help in doing so.

Besides, if your H doesn't know a problem exists, he has no way of knowing that he has to help resolve it.

Giving in to reluctance to raise an issue does not help R.

Again I think it’s very difficult to understand the situation from the cheater perspective. They are not hurt and wounded. They cannot comprehend the impact the affair had on the betrayed.

It’s is maddening when the cheater shows kindness and empathy and whatever else to others but showed none of that to the betrayed (at least during the affair).

I let things slide in the interest of "voicing my opinions or feelings is just not helpful" and is hurtful. No one needs to remind my H the damage he caused. He knows what he did and truly regrets all of it.

Here’s a perfect example. St Patrick’s Day we were at a local pub. We were talking to a family we know and the story turned to discussing a particular place in the city that my H had planned to take the OW to. He’s talking about this place and I’m just remembering the affair etc.

Yup a trigger 10 years later.

But I said and did nothing. Moved on. Didn’t let it ruin my day. Didn’t confront him or say a word.

Obviously he didn’t remember the significance of that place in the city or if it would bother me.

So I don’t think you need to discuss everything with your cheating spouse. I think that there are some things that you can keep to yourself and there is nothing wrong with that.

There are millions of triggers after Dday. You just cannot keep focusing on them because it can keep you stuck in the past.

Just my two cents. Not saying I have the answers. But I also feel as though I have expressed everything I needed to about his affair and I’m not looking to re-open those conversations just because I remember every aspect of the affair.

Let me preface this by saying I feel like I have the personality of a golden retriever. By that I mean, "kick" me and I’m wagging my tail and trying to get attention 10 minutes later. But I also acknowledge that and try my best to make sure I’m not too forgiving. Anyway…

In my humble opinion, if it’s not helpful I try not to say it. Since my wife’s betrayal I’ve fought back SO many biting and hurtful comments. Why? Because they wouldn’t help anything and while I am angry, so angry, it wouldn’t even be sensibly placed anger. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve let a few slip too but 99% I keep to myself.

Let me also say, we are trying to reconcile and so far I think it’s going well. I’m still crushed though and the pain and anger both swell like the tide.