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Picking up where I left off "Fantasy Story Part 2). I had a conversation with WH that I wanted to slow R down, start MC and a new IC, and potentially a polygraph based on the fantasy story wasn’t disclosed and was about a "fictional" co-worker. I confirmed that I have seen a lot of consistent growth, and this was more about slowing down vs. a huge step back.
His immediate response was major dejection, tail between his legs. In the past, something like this would have made him stomp off and throw a little fit. This time he was very down and dejected. He had to take a drive and became very depressed that night, stating he was feeling hopeless and full of despair.
The next morning we had a follow-up conversation and I explained it feels like a pressure cooker situation, he is white-knuckling, and it’s too fragile if I’m stating boundaries and this is the response. I explained I had asked him to be transparent, honest, focus on himself, be authentic, and only do what he can and wants to sustain in the relationship. He is working too hard to pursue me, say the perfect things, blah blah blah. It’s too much.
Anyway, his spirits were much better as the day went on and he was happy and hopeful. He agreed the boundaries were not unreasonable and that he would do anything needed.
Last night he asked if he could read me something. It was a new (his 2nd) sexual fantasy story, but it was about us. He read it, stating how vulnerable this was for him, he was nervous but OH so proud of himself. He wants to go on a friend's date with me this weekend too.
My thoughts are ….
He just doesn’t get it
His executive function may be even worse than I realized
He is so focused on sex
He is trying so hard and just keeps missing
I feel pity for him
It seems all actions are externally motivated for him. It took me telling him the story was triggering. He didn't feel bad about the story until I set new boundaries.

Thoughts on this sexual fantasy storywriting? I've asked him to be honest and vulnerable so he is doing that but I don't know, this isn't what I was thinking. Maybe I'm expecting/hoping for too much or more than he is capable and I will either have to accept this or D. I'm trying not to see things so black and white but just when I have more flexible thinking shit like this happens.

I don't know alot about your story, but my first thought was are you meeting him where he is, rather than were you think or want him to be?

Have you asked him why he is so focused on physical intimacy and why he's choosing to express it in these fantasies?

Take a step back, and re-define the conversation to get a better understanding of where his head is at (or where he thinks he's at.)

[This message edited by Twitchy at 4:03 PM, Friday, March 22nd]

Does it seem like he wrote you a story to placate you because you were upset about the coworker fantasy?

I would be annoyed with so much of his attention and energy going into sexual fantasies right now.

I can understand the annoyance as well. He doesn’t get that you are looking for emotional safety.

Let me ask you, prior to his affair, was there ever any emotional intelligence/intimacy from him?

It sort of feels like he has this mental fixation, which that part I understand could be the OCD, but is it because he equates sex with love? It’s almost like he feels his crime is not being able to make you the center of his sexuality. I am going to guess there has been an addiction to porn for some time?

The dejections come from his shame over his behaviors. WS can get kind of stuck in their shame and guilt and spend less time in remorse. Shame and guilt are about their feelings over what they did. Remorse is being able to connect with the damage they caused you. Unfortunately, most ws have a hard time processing their shame and it’s the most useless human emotions because it keeps you stuck.

So I think for him, he is more connected with how he feels about what he has done and is trying to make amends in directions he is fixating on.

This is going to be very difficult for you guys to move forward, and I am not saying that has to mean divorce, but the slowing down may need to be a step back to keep your sanity.

What is the plan for getting his OCD treated? I kind of feel like until he can get that under control his fixations are going to be very hard for him to manage. At least if he could get that layer taken off it might make more room in his mental space.

People who don’t have it don’t realize that it’s like you are being bombarded with all these intrusive thoughts. And our emotional state is largely influenced by those thoughts. I really struggled even at work with a job I was familiar with for 14 years. You keep mentioning his executive functioning, I am assuming that aspect has always been there.

Twitchy – Trying to meet him where he is at, also where he is capable to get to, and how much room there is in between. Will it be enough for me? I have to be the more flexible one for sure but this may be too much to meet him there. I feel like I was good at mostly meeting him where he was at for the first 25 years of our marriage, been struggling last 4-5, and then DD may have ran out of the mental gymnastics to meet him.
SacredSoul33 – Placate me? Yeah probably but I really don’t think he realizes that’s his intention. If I point this out to him, and I have in the past, it again puts us in the dynamic of me being the bad guy and he feels like it’s never good enough for me. Feels very annoying and like a lose/lose situation.
Hikingout – No, no emotional intelligence or emotional intimacy before. I’m taking an honest look at how much growth he is capable of. His OCD/ADHD/Low Exec is not treated by medications, his health anxiety is a barrier to this. He is treating these issues with mindfulness only, did do some neurofeedback for a year, and I’d say there have been some improvements. The improvements would have been enough prior to the infidelity but with infidelity it may not be enough.
Important note…and I’m really trying NOT to minimize my experience but wanted to throw this out there. The infidelity consisted of 3 different situations – one was inappropriate flirting texting, another person also texting/flirting/innuendos – these two live out of state, and another IN person kissing situation where they met a few times to make out. I think all of these were for attention, validation, ego driven. He is a needy person.

I don’t think that’s minimizing. Those are legitimate betrayals and lend themselves to dipping your toe in behavior. Unchecked it will only increase in risk. Also if you discovered them separately and he has done nothing in between to fix his boundary issues then that paints a portrait of how that hopelessness grows when dealing with him.

I did mindfulness, but did take meds for a short time while I was practicing that.

Honestly, it doesn’t sound like there is a big future in terms of emotional safety and emotional intimacy, but probably to him the risk of sharing the fantasy is very vulnerable to him. So it’s like he does want the connection but doesn’t understand what it looks like. He is definitely anxious/avoidant attachment so it doesn’t surprise me that he is very needy.

I didn’t have a history of OCD, maybe a history of some untreated ADHD. My OCD was triggered through emotional exhaustion. It truly made my kind so loud that it was hard for me to function and I was highly functioning prior to this. So I understand how his afflictions are standing in the way of his success. It sounds like you have a great handle on it as well.

But you touched on something that’s true for most couples in infidelity- what was tenable prior to the affair, becomes easily not tenable afterwards. You deserve to have emotional safety and intimacy. I sort of wonder at this point if you stay out of guilt? Are there things that you get from this relationship that is satisfying or have you gotten to a point where you just feel responsible for him?

Lessthinking,

Just wanted to say that I can sympathize with having a neurodivergent partner. My wife has ADHD, and though I would say our marriage is overall great, it can be incredibly difficult to manage the mental/emotional dysregulation.

Does does your H suffer greatly from the rejection sensitivity symptoms? My wife does, and I find that it takes a lot of work to navigate how I present any sort of dissatisfaction. I can only imagine how much more difficult it would be with infidelity thrown into the equation. I can't remember if you've said he's getting any treatment for the ADHD/OCD, but if not, I would strongly suggest doing so. If my wife is in an emotional spiral, I find it virtually impossible to communicate with her. So if you your H is anything like her, the more under control he can be, the better.

Hope this helps to some degree. I know it's hard.

Hikingout - you are spot on...anxious/avoidant for sure, hopeless feelings because all information has been discovery vs. disclosure. The one that really hit my heart was when I found the flirty text 12 years ago, he swore up and down there was nothing else to disclose, yet a few years prior there had been the kissing fling. He kept that secret for the last 15 years and I just happened to stumble on a text in July of him reminiscing about "that time in the park". Otherwise, I would have never known.

ALSO - spot on about the guilt/responsibility. I finally got to the bottom of where this was coming from and IF you are interested read my post in general "I had the amazing opportunity..." on 3/20/24. Things clicked for me after that insight/reflection but am left wondering now what I do with this information.

Retrospected - tell me more about "rejection sensitivity symptoms" it sure sounds like a match by that name. I appreciate your validation of how complicated this all is.

[This message edited by lessthinking at 7:39 PM, Friday, March 22nd]

Lessthinking,

My understanding is that rejection sensitivity is a thing all on its own. But people with ADHD suffer similar symptoms due to the overall inability to effectively emotionally regulate.

With my wife, it feels at times like we experience two different realities. We can be emotionally walking along a flat landscape when suddenly, she'll fall of a cliff into a deep chasm. From my perspective, there's just a smoothly rolling hill. But she's deathly terrified, and if I say something like "I'm not seeing this as a problem," her rejection sensitivity can kick in. She feels heavily criticized, and in turn, equally ashamed, and then in turn can become highly defensive. In other words combative, and inconsolable. I find it best to disengage and wait for her to climb out of the hole to discuss what happened. She hates that these sort of things happen, and while it can be hard for me at times, I can understand that her reactions aren't necessarily under her control.

I've found a lot of good information from ADDitude Magazine. They have videos on YouTube that have invaluable to me. My guess is that they may even shine some light on why your H might be writing down these fantasies. My wife does this for so many things...I often walk into the bathroom to see a note written on the mirror that says "brush your teeth."