SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

MY WW met her AP online while we were going through a tough time. Her AP lives in another country so she only got to know him from online flirting but obviously she built up a profile in her mind about how 'perfect he was' and eventually met and slept with him 16 months after the online relationship started!
I found out by accident while trying to help her do something with her phone as I stumbled accross a video message he had left for her! Obviously shocked!! ... I confronted her about it and she came clean, telling me she slept with him once (I confirmed using the timeliness of their messages!) when he came to visit our city and I was away working! This was 2 months after she had slept with him I had found out..... but she did not want to end the affair and she didn't want to loose me either! We have 4 children together from 4 - 14 years old so this was tricky to say the least!
I immediately began to think that she was infatuated with this guy and obviously living in a fantasy and now reality has clashed but she didn't want to let go of the fantasy! Since I found out, she has contacted him on 4 occasions when she promised she wouldn't because she says she can not help it.... she thinks she loves him! She slept with him a second time just 3 months ago and I finally had enough and told her I want a divorce but she begged me not to divorce her! I told her she needs to make up her mind and deal with what she is feeling for this guy. A 'love affair' is not true love and an online personality is not the same in the real world and unless she uses her brain instead of her hormones she will loose her true love and leave our children without a meaningfull relationship with their father! I told her I still love her, I know she is suffering from infatuation because I seen all the messages he sent her and this guy is full of sh*t but in her mind, he can't do anything wrong and she has taken every word he says to her as gospel even though she does not know him in the 'real world' and she refuses to take in any of the actual 'facts' I pointed out to her that makes this whole thing a complete fantasy! I am not jealous of this guy but I'm extremely angry that he knew she was married (not even seperated), she had 4 young children and she was obviously vunerable and having marital problems and he took full advantage of her! I gave her every opportunity to end it with me and get a divorce but she begged me not to and I really want our marriage to work because we were a really good couple for 17 years and this was our 1st major bump which brought this situation about! I have it in my heart to forgive her because I am 100% sure she is not in love with him and everything points to infatuation! I have turned every stone and read every article which point to the same conclusion but she still has feelings for this guy and she can't just switch them off! She is like a drug addict without a drug she so desperately wants, and she is aware that she doesn't actually know him! He has brainwashed ber into believing that he loves her with his cheap talk which is all he ever gave her but unfortunately it worked on her! How can she get out of this? She wants to do the right thing for us and our children as I do too and we have always been intimate even through this whole affair! I feel sorry for her and I don't want her to suffer but every feeling she spends on him is a cloud over our lives and I don't want to leave her but I don't know how long I can tolerate her infatuation for someone else that she has no control over! I just hope time will heal us! The sex is still good and always has been but this guy manipulated her emotionally and really got into her head! She listens to me and she knows what I say to be true but she is still confused as to what true love is compared to a 'love affair', fantasy, addiction which never last unless you feed them! Honestly... this guy had her act very irrationally and totally out of carictor going against everything she loved and cherished for years as if there are no consequences for her actions and risking it all for a guy she built up in her mind to be the perfect man from online flirting!

A few things..

If she wanted to end the affair, she would.

It doesn't matter if your marriage was in a rough spot, she chose to cheat.

She's a grown woman. She's not a child. She wasn't manipulated. She knows what she's doing.

By continuing to have sex with her,and not give her any consequences, you are sending clear signals that you condone what she's doing.

You're tying to nice her out of her affair. That never works.

Why would your children no longer have a meaningful relationship with you,of she chooses her AP?

You want out of infidelity. The way you're going about it won't work.

You're convinced this is infatuation..yet she's had sex with him. She,an adult woman, says she loves him.

It's about time you listened to her.

One last thing..not wanting to divorce, isn't at all the same thing as wanting reconciliation.

She is not a safe partner right now. She's not being a good mother.

The bh who have the most succes at getting out of infidelity set boundaries, and requirements for attempting reconciliation. And they absolutely refuse to tolerate one more minute of abuse. Infidelity is abuse.

This man..have you told his wife?

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:32 AM, Monday, March 25th]

Quit focusing on him. He did not make a commitment to you, she did. She chose to get involved emotionally and physically with him. she willingly crossed boundary after boundary. She is a classic cake eater. She wants to keep her family and have her lover as well. She may well be in limerence. She should be in IC to get to the bottom of why she betrayed you and herself. As has been said, you cannot nice her back. All you are doing is teaching her that she can have other relationships and there will be no consequences. It is said that the one who cares the least about the relationship has all the power. This is clearly her.

You have 2 choices. You can accept her having a lover or you can decide to stand up for yourself and get yourself out of infidelity. There are 2 paths out of infidelity. There is reconciliation or divorce. Never threaten divorce unless you are willing to follow through. I think your best approach is to tell her (and mean it) that you love her and want her to be happy. Tell her you also want to be happy and that you cannot be happy while she is involved with another man. Tell her that you prefer to reconcile but that is not possible until she goes 100% no contact with him and commits fully to rebuilding your relationship. Tell her that until that happens, you have no choice to but to pursue divorce, and follow through. Divorce can take a long time and can be paused or ended at any time. Give her a few days (maximum 1 week) to make up her mind and give you her answer (R or D).

I’m sorry you had to find this site but you will get great advice and support.

You are right in that you cannot get her to stop the affair. You can see she has an addiction to him and you accurately describe it as infatuation.

My marriage almost broke to sue to my H’s infatuation with the other woman (OW). I don’t wish to experience that again.

But you cannot sit by and allow the cheating to continue either. You cannot wait for her to decide what she’s going to do.

My biggest regret and mistake during my H’s affair was allowing him to call the shots. My H had the audacity to tell me that he would decide if he wanted a D in a few months. So I was expected to sit by and wait for him to decide.

And I stupidly bought into it.

When I found out the affair had resumed — months later is when I had dday2 — I was a very different person. I kicked him to the curb and planned to D him. I was no longer living as his safety net and waiting for him to decide what he wanted. I was putting myself & kids first. And living with a lying cheating spouse was no longer an option.

Best move I made. I took back my power and came from a position of strength. Restored my self esteem. Did the hard 180 and never regretted it.

Consider yourself living in limbo — that is like living in hell. Please don’t allow her to continue to disrespect you and cheat on you in front of you.

You deserve better.

Thanks guys and gals for the replies and I agree with pretty much every bit of advice you have given me but there are still questions!

There are things I DO know for SURE and this sounds silly considering the amount of confusion I have went through since Dday 1 but I have studied this topic, analysing every aspect of what led to our situation and what she and I need to deal with now! Long story short I know the following to be true and factual despite being unsure in the past! (I now have my ways of monitoring)

1. I still love her
2. She does not love him because she doesn't know him. She is infatuated and there's a big difference!
3. We are still together and working on things
4. She has not contacted him since the last time she slept with him
5. She still thinks of him but realises she doesn't know him
and wishes that she didn't think of him! But she can't help it!
6. She knows that ever since she got involved with him she was loosing sight of us! I am in a much better light now because I have changed for what my part of the problem was! She sees this!
7. I am her husband and feel she needs me now more than ever because she is dealing with infatuation which is very difficult to overcome hence the reason for my original post "Can she recover from online infatuation? "

I really appreciate your feedback and we have all gone through this under different circumstances where some might be resolvable and others not! I would not wish this on my worst enemy!

Nothing you were doing,or not doing,caused her to cheat. The marriage,and you, are not perfect. That is no excuse to cheat. All marriages have problems. She had many options. She could have talked it through with you. She could have separated, or divorced. She chose to cheat because something is broken in her..NOT YOU.

You saying she sees you in a more positive light,indicates you're doing the pick me dance. That never works.

Feelings are choices. She is choosing to have these feelings for this man.

Gently, you seem to be in denial.

You say you have researched this, extensively. What work is she doing to become a safe partner? Is she in therapy? What is SHE doing.

You didn't cause this. You can't fix this.

If he lives on the other side of the country, how did they meet? Where did they meet? Did she have him in your home?

She is not a helpless being. It seems to behoove her that she has somehow convinced of this. It gives you the opportunity to win her back. She isn't the prize. You are. You are the faithful spouse. But she has you convinced she's a weak woman, who needs saving. Yet,she's doing nothing to save herself.

Many bh make this mistake. They blame the OM, and need to believe their wife was tricked, manipulated into an affair. She was preyed upon. Eventually, most bh come to realize this isn't true. The sooner that happens the better.

You are teaching her it's ok to cheat. Sure,it hurts you. But she doesn't care about that. She's got you wooing her,and she's had zero consequences. If you continue on this path, the next time there is a bump in the marriage, she will cheat again. Whether with this man,or another man. Why wouldn't she? She gets a new experience, and a husband dancing around trying to prove his worth.

You say she believes she loves him. Maybe she does. You are posting in the reconciliation forum, while your wife believes she loves another man. You have skipped some major steps...some major work she needs to be doing.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:15 PM, Monday, March 25th]

Sorry you are here Derek and the situation you find yourself in. Your life has been turned upside down by your wife's actions. You are only a couple of months out...way too soon, you should have posted in Just Found Out... way too soon for Reconciliation even if that is what you want.

You need to realize that you have been playing the pick-me-dance with your WW. This never works. You can't "nice" your wife out of her affair. This is much more than a simple infatuation if she has slept with him... 2 times, at least and AS FAR AS YOU KNOW? Keep digging there's usually more... is this her first affair? Or just the first affair that you know of?

She currently has you reacting to her actions, needs and emotions. You need to flip this around. Start taking action that makes your WW react to you. Things you must demand of your WW:

-She needs to know that she has lost your trust for the present and probably for sometime in the future. To show her how much trust is lost, you need to ask her whether her four children are truly yours (even if you have no doubt that the kids are yours) She needs to pay for DNA testing for all 4 kids. You need to do the testing yourself and have the results sent directly to you at work (If kids ask why, just tell them you're doing an ancestry test)

-She needs to give you a timeline of her affair in WRITING, give her an ultimatum for when it will be done, everything must be in it... not just acts but how she was feeling and thinking during her affair. Tell her after the timeline is done, you will seek a polygraph test to determine how truthful her timeline really is.

-You and your WW need to have STD testing done IMMEDIATELY. Doesn't matter if they used protection (what does she say?) Protect your health and demand the STD testing and that you need to have the results directly from the lab/doctor's office.

-You will need all passwords to her phone, computer and tablets as well as username/passwords to all her social media accounts as well as personal and work email... no exceptions. Start searching for a burner phone in the house.

-Consider getting a couple/several VARs (Voice Activated Recorders) Place one in her vehicle (obviously don't tell her you're doing this) You need to know if she is still in contact with AP and also what is she discussing with her family and friends. Does she talk on the phone in a certain room in the house... put a VAR there. Also keep one on your person at all times to record your interactions with your WW.

-Read up on the 180/gray rock immediately and implement it hard.

-Have a consult with an attorney, lots of attorneys have free initial consults. You need to see what a divorce entails in your state or country, what the laws are regarding custody, child support and alimony, how long it will take and approximately how much it will cost you. Tell your wife -afterwards- that you have consulted with an attorney. YOUR MARRIAGE IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL... this is real life with real consequences.

-Finally, Derek, do you have friends or family that are close by and you can stay with for a few days? If not, can you afford a hotel/motel/AirBNB for a few days? You need some physical space from your WW for a time period. Go no contact with your WW for a few days, don't tell her where you are other than you will be back when you leave the house. You WW begged you not to divorce but still stayed in contact with her AP after confrontation. She needs to have a serious taste of being a single mom for a time. Let her deal with the kids alone for a few days. While away, take some time to think what you want your marriage to be and how do you want to live...you need to be away from everything so you can have some clarity to think what you want going forward. Yes, it will suck to be away from the kids for a few days... but if you divorce this will be your reality, might as well see what it will feel like beforehand. Your wife's "fantasy" needs to be blown up... do it ASAP.

Don't be a doormat Derek. You will regret it in the years ahead, your kids deserve better (they've also been betrayed). Stop the pick-me-dance. You are the prize, your wife is now the villain in your marriage. Start treating her as one.

Start taking action. Good luck and let us know how it's going.

Going to be blunt.

1. I still love her
2. She does not love him because she doesn't know him. She is infatuated and there's a big difference!
3. We are still together and working on things
4. She has not contacted him since the last time she slept with him
5. She still thinks of him but realises she doesn't know him
and wishes that she didn't think of him! But she can't help it!
6. She knows that ever since she got involved with him she was loosing sight of us! I am in a much better light now because I have changed for what my part of the problem was! She sees this!
7. I am her husband and feel she needs me now more than ever because she is dealing with infatuation which is very difficult to overcome hence the reason for my original post "Can she recover from online infatuation? "

These are reasons you are coming up with to stay with your WS. It reads like you are making excuses for her, and trying to convince yourself to stay.

It seems that you are trying to convince yourself that 'it was not that bad' (e.g. 4. She has not contacted him since the last time she slept with him).

What you should be doing is to go see an IC to sort out your feelings, and try and gain some clarity on where you should be heading.

Your WS is still in her affair mentality, and should also see an IC to sort out why she is behaving the way she is.

You are in no state of mind to try and help your WS (point 7 that you posted). Help yourself first before thinking about helping others.

I am sorry you are dealing with this.

Look at my registration date.

WH is self medicating due his combat ptsd.

He really loves me.

He was having a hard time sharing me with our four kids

He can’t help it, he’s addicted to having affairs

I love him.

I said all of the things. I read all of the insights and research and I excused his horrific choices that damn near ruined my life.
Over many many years.

I once read that we should learn from other’s mistakes because we won’t live long enough to make all of them.

Please learn from mine. There’s nothing lovable about the way your wife is acting right now. She doesn’t deserve your love.

Detach and let her feel the consequences of her choices.

You will survive and thrive.

I’ve been on this site since 2009. I didn’t listen when I was given similar guidance.

You’ve got this!

There's no question in my mind about this: people can recover from infatuation - if they want to and if they do the necessary work.

You don't describe someone who wants to end her infatuation.

You have to choose how to respond. Two things to avoid: rugsweeping (thinking time is all that's needed for healing) and doing the pick me dance (you're prize; she isn't).

Bump by request of OP

I've seen posts like yours a million times and I know you're not going to listen. I really hope that InkHulk and HellIsNotHalfFull contribute to this thread because I think they have a lot of hard-learned advice that they could give you from their similar experiences.

But anyway, I'm still going to take a crack at getting through to you...

Every romantic relationship-- yours included-- starts with infatuation. With enough time, effort, and emotional investment, that infatuation becomes love. This affair has been going on for over a year (at least). You call this an "online affair" but she's met up with him and been intimate with him repeatedly.

You telling her that the relationship and her feelings for OM "aren't real" is just you deluding yourself; she knows her relationship is real because she's in it. Whether or not her relationship with this man would survive with the stresses, pressures, and mundanity of every day life is a separate issue.

Also, you will not be the first nor the last man to think that his WW was a sweet, innocent, naive thing who was just preyed upon by a mastermind of seduction. I'm sure she would be happy to let you believe that because it absolves her of any responsibility for her actions.

Her feelings for this man will end when she wants them to end. At this time, she has no reason to try to "recover" from him. She acts "as if there are no consequences for her actions" because, to date, there haven't been. You're terrified of divorce, you're doing all the work to win her back despite the fact that she's broken contact with him repeatedly and slept with him after Dday, and you keep blaming OM instead of holding her accountable.

The only way you stop your wife from eating her cake and having it too is to close the bakery.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:49 PM, Thursday, August 1st]

I am her husband and feel she needs me now more than ever because she is dealing with infatuation which is very difficult to overcome hence the reason for my original post "Can she recover from online infatuation?

Sure, I’ll take a crack at it.

Look man, the above statement is both fully understandable to me from my own experience AND wildly unhelpful to you in your life. You need to break out of this, it is KISA on steroids. Just listen to yourself. Your basic argument is
- she utterly betrayed you
- her life is now really hard because of your inconvenient anger intruding on her fantasy
- you as her husband must jump in and save her now more than ever

I get it, if you have hours to kill I can point you to marathon threads of mine where I worked this stuff out under the tutelage of these fine people (truly, more than happy to direct you to some). But the cliff notes version here is you must find your own self regard enough to stop this thought pattern.

Stop infantilizing her. She is a grown woman. She did this completely on purpose.

Stop trying to protect her from the consequences of her actions. She is a grown woman, she is accountable before God and man.

And most importantly, stop setting yourself on fire to keep her warm. Dude, she went back for sex and refuses to go no contact. This is incalculably bad in terms of signs of remorse and you will ruin you own spirit if you force yourself to remain with an unremorseful cheater. Again, just ask and I will send you link after link of soul crushing stories on this site of people who have stayed with their unremorseful cheater. It’s terrifying and heart wrenching.

From my own experience, I know that breaking out of the mindset you are in takes time and lots and lots of pain. I hope you can use our hard earned wisdom to save yourself some of both.

I’m just going to proactively point you to this. I believe we are allowed to post links within this site, so I’ll do that. But if the link itself isn’t allowed, then use a search engine to find the thread titled "Cheaters Handbook". It’s a deep dive into my mind when it was in a state like yours.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/660338/the-cheaters-handbook/?ap=1

I was going to add but the Scribes on SI have spoken better than I could.

OP - I hope you find a way forward and my interpretation is your wife/spouse is a bit defective - disregard YOU and your marriage vows.

And you - as other note - dancing "Pick-Me"

(Queue scene from Shrek where Donkey is jumping up and down)

Derek, are you still here? How has it been going since March???

Derek, please let us know how you're doing. Please do not feel ashamed if you are still stuck in limbo, and nothing has really changed since March when you last posted. We've seen a lot here and there's plenty of wise posters that can offer some solid, helpful advice.

You have 4 young kids and Betrayed Husbands are often stuck in a no-win situation where they're looking at financial hardships as well as losing time with their children (not that BW's can't also be in similar situations...) for something that was not their fault.

So please give us an update. I gave you some advice earlier... hope you did at least a couple of my suggestions such as visiting an attorney to explore your options.

Strength to you...