SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are divorced. The boys are 21 and 18 and live with her. The oldest is moving out soon. I have a dichotomy in my head regarding her that is just absolutely infuriating sometimes LOL. I'm nice to her and polite to her when I really don't want to be. And then I ask myself why are you being so nice to this woman? LOL the other day I helped her out and got her some food for her and of course for the boys too by proxy. So I tell myself I'm helping my boys and not her. But it just seems to be odd that I'm still paying for stuff for her 15 years later LOL. If you had a quarter and would have put it between your knees this would not have happened my dear LOL
We actually do get along okay though. There is not a lot of animosity or anything like that. I've talked to my boys and she's never said anything bad about me to them. So I mean she's not completely means. She just made a series of incredibly bad decisions. Whether or not these decisions are forgivable is Up For Debate.

After 15 years of being The Spouse Who Was Cheated On, forgiving and letting it drop might be like giving up a core part of your identity.

So you've decided to stop rug-sweeping? That's a great decision. You can't change the fact that you rug-swept in the past, but stopping it opens up a good future for you.

Be kind to yourself, bro. You deserve it.

Your life is too precious to be carrying the baggage of her reckless actions for so long, specially that you are divorced. Glad you are getting help. Process it well and move on. Once you feel better about yourself and everything, date causally. Invest your energy on right kind of people. Good luck !

I appreciate all of your comments!

Is she still with the AP? Or with someone else? Is so, she should be relying on them not you.

Is she still with the AP? Or someone else? If so she should rely on them not you.

The AP died in 2020. She dates no one currently and says she doesn't want too. Says she likes being single. Like I said we get along fair well. In a recent text, I don't remember what we were talking about, but she said something to the affect of "we sometimes hurt those closest to us and I feel guilty about that". This is as close to an apology as I'm likely to get lol. Even then though she deflected by saying *it's not just one person's fault". But you know, take a win when you can lol.
I specifically asked my therapist about this yesterday. She said it as quite simple. I'm kind. If I see need I like to help. I work in the medical field and naturally like to help people. I'm not doing anything out of obligation. It's simply right, despite her past actions.
Never let a person of questionable character determine your own self worth. I know I am a good man despite her.

You are a good man and you should be proud of it.

My thought about forgiveness has always been that it’s an organic function. It’s not something you can force. Almost an involuntary response like breathing. Your body and mind will do it when it’s ready if it ever is and you can’t just make it happen.

That’s why I kind of shudder when people say quickly they forgave their WS days or weeks after DDay. It’s not possible.

Anyway it doesn’t sound like she’s asking for your forgiveness so she probably doesn’t deserve it anyway.

Keep on being who you are and stop worrying about concepts like forgiveness. You really have no control over that.

Some day down the road you may just realize that you, your mind, and body have actually forgiven her.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:32 PM, Friday, April 19th]

Thanks a bunch. I am thinking all these things through. I should have seen a therapist years ago. Plus reached out on a forum such as this. But I just didn't talk about it and had little panic attacks periodically if I got triggered. I seriously couldn't even get an oil change without feeling bad because that putz was a mechanic lol. (not saying anything bad about mechanics guys! But those shirts they wear still set me off). You all have been a blessing.

I didn't mention but when this happened my children were 4 and 8. To This day they do not know this happened. They just kind of knew that Mom and Dad had a strange marriage LOL. But I truly do not want my boys to know that their mother is capable of something like this. I don't think a boy should think these things about their mother if they don't absolutely have to. Unfortunately this kind of makes me look like the jerk sometimes because they don't have a bilateral view of their mother and my relationship LOL.

LOL means lots of laughs. What's so funny about this situation? I've had 3 DSs and would not want them to put up with an abusive situation.

What you should think about is what kind of relationship do you want your children to have? They'll base it on what they've seen.

I suppose the LOL is a defense mechanism against lots of tears....
I feel for you bro. I simply do not think I could have more than one D-day in a lifetime. I know my limits. This one from years ago is on my mind every day still. I do have a genuine fear that someday I will be laying in a nursing home somewhere. Perhaps the hospital or a hospice bed. And I will be laying there dying in the final moments of my life. And at some point while I'm laying there I'm going to think about her and this ass being together. And I just think that's a horrible thing to do to somebody that you claim that you used to love.

[This message edited by Vashta at 1:56 PM, Sunday, April 21st]

Vashta, I read this somewhere recently. Take responsibility for your own unhappiness. If you don’t like something, try to change it.

There is no reason for you to continue being unhappy now that you are divorced. You are responsible to seek therapy , process the betrayal and live a happy rest of your life. You chose to do things for your ex wife. You can absolutely enforce boundaries and not communicate with her if your kids are adults now. You chose to be a martyr, no one asked or expected this from you. You are drowning in the pressures and expectations you put on yourself.

I hope you can really get the help and move forward. You have gotten yourself out of the muck, but refuse to leave it behind. Life is too short to carry that dirt with you. Good luck.

I get where you are coming from. I'll help if truly needed but yeah she should handle her own things. Therapy is a blessing and there's a lot to learn

You've been carrying this weight alone for years. Talk to your boys.thwy are men now. They will be entering relationship and will subconsciously use your toxic relationship with your ww as a model. Sadly, it's how our minds work. They need to know the truth. You are not sabotaging their relationship with their mother, only telling them facts. They can come to their own positions.

Then cut contact with your Ww. She is unremorseful, and based on your description, seems to have few if any redeeming qualities. She is a constant source of pain, and you cannot heal being wounded regularly.

And stop doingvtgings for her. Bring yourcsonsca meal and not her. Its notvtaking the low road, its just not giving a shitvabout hercwellbeing. She fired you from that job. You should read "No More Mr Nice Guy". You seem like a kind man, but being nice enough will not get your WW to see or realize how badly she treated you. She may see you as weak and thus deserving of maltreatment. It's sick and twisted, but some people think that way, and it is a completely illogical way of viewing the world if you are a decent person.

I appreciate your advise.