SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm only a few weeks out from the polygraph (and the last of the disclosures). So it's fresh, still. I'm in neutral gear, and plan to stay here for a long time before I decide to R or move towards separation. WH is seemingly committed to repairing the damage he's caused. I have access to all of his things, email, social media, etc., and do the ritualistic checking regularly.

My imagination is making me nuts. He did a (surprisingly) good job hiding a 2 year affair, so I imagine thatthe reason I'm not finding any evidence that he is still in communication with the OW is because he has gone deep underground, making me the fool for looking in all the wrong places. AND THEN I SPIRAL. I am pretty sure nothing is going on, but then there is always a chance, and I refuse to be the fool again. Is this normal? How long will this last?

Elara, yes it is totally normal what you're feeling and thinking. And I guess it will last until either (a) you see your WH making changes in little things that may not even be connected to his affair behavior, or (b) he does it again, most likely with somebody new. (Even a steamy affair can burn out after all the uproar Discovery brings.)

But your real question is "Is he safe?" Right? Time will tell.

In my case, I'd done all the frantic book reading and MC for a solid year after D-Day, was assured I'd "know" if we were in a better place, yet when I observed his day-to-day choices and avoidant style of dealing with anything unpleasant, I couldn't say I noticed anything change with my WH, so I never got to that feeling of safety from another bomb going off in my life. And sure enough, 12 years later he did it again, and I filed separation papers.

Yes, completely normal. How long it lasts is an individual thing. At nearly 4 years out, I don’t have these thoughts nearly as much, and when they do pop up now and then, I don’t emotionally spiral very much. It took me a couple of years to get to that place—I had to learn to accept that it’s impossible to know or control everything, and to place trust in the fact that I am much more aware of potential red flags and that I am resilient enough to handle whatever comes my way.

You’re at a hard stage; I’m very sorry. I think it gradually gets better and better for most people in reconciliation whose spouses are genuinely and fully committed to repair and reconciliation, but it’s definitely hard.

I just read back through your posts. That was a LOT of lying and trickle truth by your husband. He even balked at the polygraph, right? What made him change his mind, and did he pass?

At this point I don’t think the focus should be on you imagining/spiraling. Given his behavior, having very serious doubts about his honesty is 100% rational and sensible.

Doubting him right now is healthy. Your emotions are in touch with the reality that he has lied and lied, and what truth you’ve gotten has been forced and pulled.

Edited to add: neutral gear is good. Practice self care and quiet vigilance. Don’t drive yourself to distraction trying to find every possible avenue of communication; just neutrally and carefully observe his behavior.

[This message edited by Grieving at 2:48 PM, Saturday, April 6th]

What Grieving said: if you only learned the truth by having to extort it, that is not encouraging.

It's what my WH did to me, too. 5 years after my life exploded, I found out just by accident that my marriage had lasted 1 year less than I even thought! (But it made sense, as well.) After several years based at home trying to R, his boss sent him back on the road. I happened to open his old suitcase and came across a sales receipt from a massage parlor in a side pocket, dated 1 year earlier than what he'd sworn to me and our MCs was his first and ONLY episode being sexually unfaithful.

I hope you are taking care of yourself and honoring your instincts.

How long will this last?

Forever if you want it too.

Thoughts are super hard to control. Thoughts about anything, really, not just the A. Your actions can influence them, though. You control your actions 100%, thoughts influence actions.

It’s early days for you. Be patient and just continue to watch your WH. Unknow him. See him with fresh eyes, unblinded by your past, that was filled with lies.

LTA survivor here. Those Lizard Brain thoughts can be torture. Even 7 years from DDay1, 6 years from DDays 2/3 and 3 years from having a Cease & Desist sent to LTAP due to her cyberstalking and attempts at reaching out - they happen.

What helped me keep them from circling around my mind nonstop is to write them down. I have a spreadsheet with the basics - DATE - THOUGHT/OBSERVATION - FEAR/QUESTIONS. I tell myself every time I document it - I can release it from my mind. And that I can feel safe doing so because it is in a safe space I can go back to at any time if I need it.

That's given me some sort of "comfort" as I know I can validate my thoughts/fears (my bring is trying to protect me after all), document why they bother me and then let them go all the while knowing they are stored in a safe place. Sometimes I've even said aloud as making an entry "you have this - now you can let it go - you have it documented - you are good"

I'm glad I started doing this a few years back. Those intrusive thoughts were slowly eating me alive.