SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well hello, where do I start..my mum died last year, I was here with her, and for the weeks before. WS came down and wrote the eulogy for her funeral, supportive practically but emotionally, no….. he rolling his eyes and shaking head whilst I’m dealing with solicitors with a mashed head. Roll on 2 weeks and I get diagnosed with a rare eye disease, brushed it off as I’m trying to deal with beginnings of grieving, ( I have one good eye I’ll be fine I thought, that’s changed). Dealing with all of this, weekly eye visits, probate, mothers tenant etc etc had been rather my who,e life for a year now, I know I’ve not been easy to live with but still working and doing all the day to day chores of life. He is retired.
pre Christmas and WS gets a new phone, and hogs it like it’s part of his body.My suspicions are aroused but keep dismissing as everything else crowding in (as well as worrying about dead sisters son and normal life stuff)..no help, no empathy no nothing regarding all this..all comes to a head when I find pictures on his old phone,my gut instinct was right so I checked and found selfies and then the nudes..
unfortunately it’s weeks before he returns and although I’ve asked him all the questions and hes answered them, and he’s apologised twice and agrees to IC and MC, I’ve struggled to talk to him, despite him showing me his phone and laptop, he’s had a long time to delete anything..but he still won’t show me one app..
he’s been to one IC, now thinking about whether to go to another solitary or MC with me. I’ve flipped out big style, never flipped like that ever, cried and cried, apologised for flipping out, and now I’m numb, I don’t know who he is anymore, the worst was when he returned, he acted like nothing had happened..just moaned about the travel, made dinner a couple of times, picked me up from class (can’t see at night to drive) but cant start the conversation about his indiscretion. He swears when I ask about anything to do with the A.
I’m due back at IC next week, he can come if he decides to.
So I’m just being civil at the moment as I’m expecting a turn around from him, but I’m let down as he’s not giving it. I know we can’t make anyone apologise , but I’m feel stunned he’s acting this way. I just didn’t expect it. Maybe it would have been different if I’d found out whilst WS was at home.i don’t know, but I just don’t know what to do now. I’m sorry this is very rambling.

I’m sorry you’re going through all this all at once. It must be very painful and when you wanted your spouse’s support the most. He sounds incredibly selfish and still wayward. I would counsel you to prepare yourself that the affair isn’t over. He’s still hiding things and is angry and defensive when you bring it up.

Get support elsewhere, you cannot rely on this guy. Do not expect him to come back and be remorseful. It might happen but don’t count on it. As hard as it is, you need to start planning an exit strategy for your self. How would divorce look like for you? Co-parenting, finances everything. See a lawyer and tell your WH nothing.

Look after yourself, you’ve been through hell. Therapy, friends, exercise. Don’t fall apart.

So sorry that you're here. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that you might find helpful, plus some with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is a great resource and has the list of acronyms we use.

First, I suggest IC (individual counseling) for you separately. MC (Marriage counseling) is to work on the relationship. Your M didn't cheat - your WS did. MCs have a tendency to shift part of the blame to you, and NONE of this is your fault. Your WS had many other things he could have done, but made the decision to cheat - that is 100% on him.

Him swearing at you when you bring up the A is not a good sign. He should read the book How To Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a little over 100 pages and is a nice blueprint for him to follow.

Take care of yourself right now. Your up & down emotions and just being numb are a trauma response. If you can see a betrayal trauma specialist, that will be helpful. You asking the same question a zillion times is your brain trying to put the pieces together to make sure that you aren't in imminent danger.

Please get tested for STDs/STIs so that you will not add another issue to your list of stressors. If you're having problems with depression, anxiety or sleeping, please ask your doctor for meds.

He needs IC to work on finding his whys and to work on becoming a safe partner. R (reconciliation) is a lot of work, and both partners need to be all in.

Thanks for managing to decipher my babble of time jumps in those paragraphs and to the invaluable advice given.
I don’t have to get tested as pretty sure there was no actual physical, only online. I’ve also thrown myself into yoga and exercise, plus healthy eating for my disease, but the stress is keeping me awake, and now having sold and packed up the last of my mothers stuff from her flat (family home for the last half century), and passing the anniversary of her passing, (with no emotion shown towards me), I’m still feeling tension.
I’ve got my 3rd IC next week, so I’ll see what the outcome of that session is, and maybe have a clearer picture in my head then, even a drop of clarity would be helpful!
I’m still confused, not sure if I even want to carry on to be honest. He should read the book you suggested, but I don’t think he will.
Luckily our offspring are grown with partners and jobs etc, so only sorting out would be pets and house/finances.
Thank you for helping/answering me. I appreciate it.

It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, so don't feel like you have to figure everything out all at once. It took me 18 months to get my head in the right spot to be able to leave. My XWH (wayward ex-husband) couldn't do the work to be a safe partner, so I chose D.

Expect your emotions to be all over the place. We call it the emotional rollercoaster. It can pick you up and take you for a ride without warning.

Frankly, I wouldn't recommend MC at this point. Your M didn't cheat - he did. He needs IC to work on finding his whys and becoming a safe partner. If he isn't wanting to work on himself, it's not a very good sign that he's going to be R (reconciliation) material.

This might be a good time for you to sit and think through, how do you want to spend the rest of your life?

The problem I have now is I'm not even sure still that I want to be with him..the 36 years trust has gone, he's acting like a petulant child or not reacting at all, and thinking back, he wasn't much better last year when my mum had actually died, no empathy or offers of help unless I asked.
I'm going to ask him later if he wants the IC appointment this week. As he's only had 1, and the counsellor suggested both of us or just him again, I'm not sure she's got a handle on the situation. He's probably jumping to marriage problems before sorting the infidelity out.
I must say I have become calmer the last couple of days, detached is the word. I still cook tea, hoover, do the washing though let him fold/sort out his own clothes, and everything else as normal, yet he seems to be doing less. I look at him and feel sad. Oh what a bloomin mess. I'm stuck as to where to go, ie move/buy a pad if my own, near the children or tight back to my home town 6 hours away. Sorry for waffling.

If he's not interested in IC, then he's probably not going to change. He won't be a safe partner and will continue to treat you the same way. Unfortunately, you can't drag him through R (reconciliation). If both partners aren't in 100%, then there's not much hope.

You may want to use the IC appointment for yourself. Work with your IC to work through some of the pros/cons of staying. And do you really want to be treated like that for the rest of your life?

Don't apologize for waffling. Some of us are champion wafflers. It took about a year after dday1 to realize that I wasn't going to perish from the pain and that XWH wasn't really doing any work. Then, he said his IC said MC would be ok. So, I hung on for another 6 months. Then he confessed to the hard boundary of no inappropriate sexual contact with another person (while in our MC session.) That's when I knew he'd never change and I was getting out of there.

Take the time you need, but don't stay in an abusive situation. If you feel that this is a dealbreaker, that's ok. If it takes you some time to figure out if it's a dealbreaker, that's fine, too.

When you know, you know.

You can’t change another person. If this is how he behaves, even after you have found out, and his attitude is to shrug his shoulders then you don’t have much to work with. Right now I think you need to look at what you need and what you want and leave him sitting on the curb. If he wants to come along with you to make a good marriage, he can, but if he doesn’t, you need to move on by yourself. There’s nothing worse than living in a home devoid of love and support.
I will add that you can remain right there in the same house and gray rock him. If you feel you need to stay put then treat him as a chair. Ask him to move when you need to Hoover but you can move on emotionally while remaining physically. It is done in some marriages where the only connections are incomes and bill paying. You can reach out to the community, including friends and family. You can find a hobby that gives you pleasure to do. You can train for a marathon. In other words your brain, heart, lungs entire body continue to go on with life without caring what he is up to. You are in charge of your own life. Treat it with kindness.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 10:06 PM, Sunday, April 14th]

Well I tried tonight, to glean answers and reiterate that we need to talk at some point..to which he said he had tried...yes he's acted like nothings happened, normal day to day chats/chores, which I have replied monosyllabic..as I've built my wall up around me, protecting my sanity a little . If he cannot talk be honest etc to my face (yes he's apologised twice on messenger and explained how it happened, but not divulged the WhatsApp messages to me, nothing face to face, then how on earth can I move onto normal day to day chat?
I did end up raising my voice somewhat as he just didn't respond, tried to leave the room, shut the door on me, then leave the house until I called on him, running away being defensive ..he called me unhinged, said he was leaving..couldn't stand it..said he wouldn't have reacted or taken it so badly if the shoe was on the other foot ...so I said fine leave divorce it is then..to which he said again knee jerk reaction, over the top reaction..
I am using the IC for me this week, I'm not even going to bother to ask him if he wants it. He's made no effort with that or any part of R this M. Lastly I said calmly thank you for calling me unhinged and for trying so hard.
My head is just a blob of whirring fuzz. What the actual hell..do you all wonder who this person is you've been married to for over 35 years?

I suggest not engaging with him any more than this. Seems like he's using your emotions against you and justifying his current beliefs. Anything else will further fuel the 'unhinged' image he built of you in his head. Look up gray rock and follow his lead.

He wants to live like a bachelor, treat him like one.

do you all wonder who this person is you've been married to for over 35 years?

It's scary sometimes how some people can be d@mn good actors.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 11:20 PM, Sunday, April 14th]

Thank you. You say look up gray rock? I don't know what you mean?

Sunnycot; gray rock, look in our healing library for "the 180", it's a similar concept, aimed at helping you detach and focus on yourself healing.

You can Google GrayRock also.

On YouTube, Dr. Ramani has some good videos describing grey rock. She helps people who have been in relationships with people who have narcissistic, sociopathic and psychopathic personality disorders. It doesn't mean your WH falls into this category, but she has some great information.

Grey rock is where you pretend that you are a grey rock in response to his behavior. Stop doing things for him, and become as unimaginative and boring as possible. Don't speak, and if you do, keep it short and sweet. If he starts to bait you (saying things to get an emotional reaction), don't take the bait - keep your answers short and to the point.

It's to help you emotionally withdraw a bit so that you can see and sense things more clearly.

Aha, thank you.!
I think I’ve been doing that, after reading the 180.. I’m being civil, polite but not elaborating in conversation. I ask questions relating to day to day stuff, but that’s all. According to him, I’m not communicating.
I will have a look on YouTube also when I get a minute to myself.
You’re very kind to respond, thanks.

According to him, I’m not communicating.

Classic DARVO response.

D = Deny
A = Attack
R = Reverse
V = Victim and
O = Offender

He's denying any responsibility and conveniently making it your fault. You may have lived with him doing this for so long that you may not even realize what he's doing. It's a form of emotional abuse.

Hang in there, it does get better. It may take awhile but it does, I promise.

That’s just the problem, I’m not sure I want it to get better with him now..I’m seeing a pattern that’s occurred these last 12/14 months …arrrgh..so frustrating!

I’m so saddened to see you are still struggling trying to rebuild and repair a decades long marriage w/ someone who is not on the same page.

I spent months during my husband’s affair trying to get us on the same page. At dday2 when I found out I was working my butt off and he was still cheating was the day everything changed (for me and got the better).

I just plain stopped being his wife. Read up on the 180. We have been reconciled 11 years this summer and we are happy. But I don’t do his laundry and haven’t got 10 years. He’s not my priority now - I am. My H was truly sorry blah blah blah. So I’m not facing the same situation you are.

I see your point about not wanting to be in a relationship or marriage with a lying cheating jerk WHO HAS NO REMORSE AND MAKES NO EFFORT!!😡😡.

You cannot live with his attitude and inability to try. A divorce is a better option (in my opinion) than what you have right now.

You deserve better. And if he’s not going to do anything to help you heal, you will continue ur to have issues years down the road if you stay with him.

Pay attention to 1stwife. I hope I have her story right. He had emotional affairs and a physical one. Instead of coming clean he just kept it up until he exhausted her patience. She was smart enough to get her ducks in a row then told him he could hit the road, she was done. It changed the power balance in her marriage…and he grew up.

You can’t do anything about his behavior but you can make decisions on what you want in the future. This is your one life. Try to plan how you will live on your own or reconciled. Look at his overall behaviors through your marriage. Is he a selfish person? Does he treat you, and others, with respect? In other words you need to make decisions on how your life has been with him and if you can trust him enough to stay. Truthfully it does not sound like it. And he has the power in your marriage. You need to figure out how to get yours.

Well tonight I looked in his bedside drawer, to find a little blue pill missing..rather strange as he refrained from using them the last few times we were active in the bedroom, so I asked, nicely, when he'd used it, which he denied, until I revealed there were 2 last week, bitch what are you doing going through my stuff was the reply..(amazing). I shut up. Became the grey rock.
Thank you, I have read and reread 180. And will prob read it again plus the other articles.
I'm seeing our IC this week.
I asked him how he thinks this relationship should heal. He said we should decide what we want to to do about us and go see the MC as mediator, voice of reason whilst we work out the way forward. I reminded him I'd asked him twice if he wanted to go, to which he was still thinking/didn't know.
I've left the ball in his court.
I'm tired, 8 weeks is draining as you all well know. (I andmire you for sticking annd sticking!).
And I swear it's not doing my eye disease any good. ( I'll find out tomorrow at the clinic).
He's generally been good, dependable throughout 36years ..but this last 12/14 months or so hes changed, I know I've been going through the mill several times over. But....no empathy??
He had a stroke and a heart attack 9 years ago, not long after I lost my sister. (Another hell of a year).! The stroke changed him slightly, his reaction to me, mainly me, (occasionally to others but fleeting) but we've been ok. It's hard when you get bitten, or hammered down verbally. My life was more balanced then so I could escape to my hobby or work, and come back to us both being fine.
And funny you guys ask, is he selfish, another old friend asked if he'd always been selfish.
Another asked why isn't he trying to help heal us (apart from acting like normal day to day chat life stuff, I can't do as I'm stunned at his indifference, (hence grey rock).
I admire you for sticking with your WH and R, I'm not sure if I have the willingness. I think I'll have to make the appointment, line up my ducks and start marching them. Thank you again

According to him, I’m not communicating.

Welp. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. There’s no winning no matter what you do. Best thing is to not play his game at all.

Line those ducks up nice and straight