SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would like to have some advice on how to proceed further in the following situation.
I am married since 1991 to my high school sweetheart and at the beginning of this year I accidentally discovered that he has been cheating on me. He left his secret email open on his tablet and I read all the messages. I found out that he cheated on me while on business trips 3 times, at least. Once in 2009 and two times in 2016. Then starting with 2018 he started a relationship with his co-worker. At that time I was still working at the same company with them and I noticed that something was not right in out relationship but continued to hope all will be better. They were on and off for 3 more years. They ended their relationship in 2021. He told me it was a toxic relationship and he needed to end it. Since 2021 they were just closed friends and colleagues. I saw his exchanged messages after the intimate relationship ended and my conclusion was that they were involved emotionally. At the same time in 2018 my husband went on a dating site and looked for casual relationships. He found one married lady and they met once at the hotel. But they stayed closed after that, via email. However they ended up the email exchange and all they had.
When I found out, I confronted him and at the beginning he denied but then I told him I saw his opened email and read everything. Then he told me everything, showed remorse and wanted to forgive him and try to start over our relationship. He offered to share his location with me. Sleep every night with me. And he told me he feels lighter now since he carried with him all these years the guilt.
All these years there was a wall between us and I did not know why. Now I know. I still have feelings for him. I never cheated on him. Always hoped he would come back to his senses.
I want to forget and forgive him but it is hard for me as he is still working with his ex-coworker mistress in the same project and they have the same manager. Since I found out the truth, he told me that he did not get in touch with her on private level, only on the professional level. I am afraid she does not know why he suddenly ended his messages as a friend and will eventually seek answers from him. He keeps telling me that he cannot be with her anymore after their toxic relationship. He tried to find a job inside in another department without luck. Also his manager does not want to let him go as the politic of the company is to stay in the same project for at least 18 months. Still 10 months to go. He also applied outside but no luck either.
I am feeling bad when I know that they see each other everyday and have meetings and talk professionally.
And at the same time I am trying to recover from what I found out back in January. I want to give another chance to my relationship but I am suffering a lot. Cannot sleep properly as I envision all that and it is hard to go back to normality. And because of that we argue a lot. Even thinking and nearly taking about divorce to stop my emotional suffering and all the arguments.

I cannot trust him 100% anymore. I am afraid he will start another relationship when he feels low. Also he keeps telling me that he learned his lesson involving himself with co-workers now but should I believe him?

Any advice would be very much appreciated.
Thanks.

Hi, luna, welcome to SI, the best club no one wants to be a member of. So sorry you find yourself here, there is a great deal of support and knowledge from members who have walked in your shoes.

Your husband's cheating has absolutely nothing to do with you. He owns his actions.

Gently, your husband is a serial cheater, at least for the past 15 years and at least 6 times that you know of.

It takes years to forgive, are you certain you are willing to forgive over a decade of cheating? I'd put him in the club of someone who is most likely to cheat again.

IMO your husband should not be having any contact with his affair partner, he made a mess of this, he needs to actively seek a new position pronto. My husband had an affair with a co-worker who lived 3,000 miles across the country, there was no way in hell I'd allow any more communication or ever allow him to visit her site again. He found another job, no compromises.

Please find a good counselor for yourself to help you navigate this hell your husband brought into your life. Also check with your MD for STD testing and temporary medications to help you cope, even just a sleep aid to get you through these next few months. Your husband dropped a nuclear bomb on your life, the fallout is wide and it will take years to move past this nightmare.

Understand that most serial cheaters don't change. How can you be absolutely certain their affair has stopped? Many affairs go underground, burner phones, secret emails, snapchat.

I cannot trust him 100% anymore. I am afraid he will start another relationship when he feels low. Also he keeps telling me that he learned his lesson involving himself with co-workers now but should I believe him?

^^^Right now you cannot trust anything he says. He's been leading a double life for over a decade and all of a sudden he is sorry? He learned his lesson about affairs with co-workers , what about the business trips and dating site. Your husband was/is actively seeking other women outside of your marriage. He is a very broken person and there's not a thing you can do to fix him.

Please take time to read the articles in the Healing Library.

I'm sorry if I cannot be more positive in my response, but your husband has lied for 15? years, and now that he got caught, he's willing to change. What is he doing to help you feel safe? Counseling, perhaps a sex addiction specialist, has he given you access to phone, emails, social media, voicemails, etc? Accountability for his whereabouts?

BTW is the co-worker married? If so, her husband should be informed by you that he's living a lie. Whatever you do, don't tell your husband if you choose to do this, and do not tell him about this site.

Sending a virtual hug, we all understand the emotional roller coaster you have just boarded.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you've had to find us. There are some posts pinned at the top of the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that are full of tips for people new to the site. Also, the Healing Library has a lot of great resources and includes the list of acronyms we use.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful. Also, he needs IC to start to dig into his whys. He sounds like a serial cheater and they have a rough row to hoe. He should read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Please get tested for STDs/STIs and ask your doctor for some meds to help you through. It takes between 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. Be sure to process through your pain rather than hang onto it. Take care of yourself and practice a lots of self-care.

I am so sorry that you are here. You only found out in January, you are probably still in shock (I know I was for at least 3 months after, if not longer - it’s a bit of a blur now) give yourself some grace. You cannot forgive and forget this quickly, if ever. 15 years is a long time to live a double life (my case involved 5 years and I couldn’t get past it).

Are you in IC? The day after I found out I saw my doctor, was put on meds to help me get through the crisis, and immediately started counselling which I continued for years. Betrayal is incredibly traumatic.

On the work front, I get it, it can be hard to move. But…what do you want? Do you want him to quit right now? Is that an option financially? If not, is there anything that could make you more comfortable in the meantime? In my case work travel ceased immediately, as did work socials, but the cheating was in the company of co-workers rather than with a co-worker.

Basically, he’s blown up your life. There is nothing easy about this for you, you are entitled to take your time as you work though it. Take a lot of care of yourself. And, personally, I would have an initial consult with a lawyer to see what D might look like and whether there are any immediate steps you should take to protect yourself. If you have access to family financial information, now is the time to make sure you have secure copies. You may never need to use them, but knowledge can only help. Even though I tried to R for years, I was in my lawyers office literally days after D Day.

I'm so sorry you have reason to be here, but glad that you found SI.

All these years there was a wall between us and I did not know why.

Your story sounds a lot like mine. I found out about multiple affairs all at once after years of wondering why he was so flaky: a ONS, a chat room hook-up that went on for a year, dating sites, and the last affair was full blown EA/PA with a coworker. (EA: Emotional affair; PA: Physical affair.)

And he told me he feels lighter now since he carried with him all these years the guilt.

You'll find that he transferred the emotional load to you. And boy, is it heavy. Nothing will ever go back to the "normal" that it was before the A, but it can be better if he's willing to work at it. It's going to be stressful for a long while - years, so just go ahead and accept that. Get something to help you sleep from your doctor, if you need to. If you're having trouble eating, try smoothies or milkshakes.

Most people will say that serial cheaters can't change, but mine confessed to me 20 years ago and hasn't strayed again. We did intensive marriage counseling for two years, but no individual counseling (IC). If I had it to do all over again, I would insist upon IC for both of us. Everybody is different, though. I decided to extend trust and take action if I discovered that trust wasn't warranted. It was the only way that I could stay with him and stay sane, and seemed like the healthiest option emotionally.

I want to forget and forgive him but it is hard for me as he is still working with his ex-coworker mistress in the same project and they have the same manager.

First of all, don't rush to forgive and forget. It's way too early to forgive, and you will never forget - and you shouldn't anyway, so just go ahead and let go of that notion.

Second, does his manager know about the affair? I get that it's hard for him to leave his current position, and losing his paycheck is probably a worry. He should absolutely keep trying to find a new job. He needs to get away from the COW ASAP, for YOUR sake. It doesn't matter if their affair is over, she's still the enemy of your marriage and she needs to be launched into oblivion so that you can begin to heal. You can't heal while the knife is still sticking out of your back.

If the COW is married, her husband also needs to be told.