SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This background info doesn’t sound encouraging. Is he single?

Not telling you what to do, but just gonna say this:

Life doesn’t have to be this way.

Others have addressed the possibility that she was talking to him, so I'll just say this...

"I was only your side piece and you blew up my life"

The fact that your wife is crying over being used and discarded by the AP-- and not the fact that he terrorized and assaulted her child-- means she's a total piece of shit.

It's really not any more complicated then that.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:35 PM, Monday, April 22nd]

How long do you intend to give her to legitimately pull her head from her ass?

Blue,

I came here to ask for understanding and perspective. I know this is a shit show, but I do not approve of you calling my WW a piece of shit. Yeah she fucked up, but it doesn’t help me at all to just flat out insult or attack her. Insulting her doesn’t make this any better.

I’m exhausted, and I don’t want to play spouse police anymore. I don’t want to snoop around.

You shouldn't, and you don't need to. You will be following rather than leading.

As it is often said here, let them go. If the WS decides to head off to their AP, or start another A, there is nothing the BS can do. If just exposes the flaw in the WS, that they cannot be in a relationship. No point fighting this, as it would be a waste of time and effort.

This0Is0Fine had posted a term, in another post and in another thread (which stuck in my head), Reverse Vigilance. The WS would be the one that is vigilant about not putting themselves in any situation that could be harmful to the M or their BS. The WS takes the lead in defending the M, and making sure that the BS is protected.

IF a WS were really invested in the M, they would be the one that is guarding the M against any attacks. They would be working on strengthening their boundaries and working with an IC to make sure they do not go down that path again. At the moment, your WW is still very self-absorbed. Throwing pity parties for herself.

What has your WW done to make herself safe to you and your child?

BluerthanBlue you have a pm.

That she is pining for a guy who terrorized and assaulted your child is something I cannot wrap my head around. That doesn't qualify as lapse of judgement, that is something far worse.

I would have grave difficulty not directly confronting this head on.

HellIsNotHalfFull,

I'm sorry that I name-called your wife and recognize that doesn't help you in your situation.

When everyone was piling on her about "how could she not have known?!" I was one of the few who gave your wife the benefit of the doubt based on my perspective as a child who was abused privately by my stepfather and my mother didn't know for much of the time it was happening.

But my ability to empathize with your wife ended when she weeping and pining over the man who assaulted and terrorized your son.

If there is anything you should take away from this situation it's that you know that whatever show your wife does of "doing the work," she only cares about the negative impact this has had on herself.

You heard it right out of the horse's mouth:

"You blew up my life."

Not her marriage. Not her family. Not your life. Not her poor son's life.

I told you previously that I didn't think you should get divorced until your kids were 18 because she can't be trusted to be alone with them and your chances of getting full custody (given that she has been the primary caregiver and hasn't worked) were nil.

I still stand by that advice (for the most part) but I think you should meet with a lawyer and get your ducks in a roll now, as your wife might prove to be a danger not only to herself, but to others as well.

At the very least, you should try to stop having a "normal" marriage with this woman because she's clearly incapable.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:26 PM, Tuesday, April 23rd]

BtB,

"You blew up my life."

Not her marriage. Not her family. Not your life. Not her poor son's life.

I don't know about this.

The way I read it is that she could be considering her whole life, which could well include her family, which could well include HINHF....

Whatever the case, I would think that the concerning part is that she is still seems to be focusing on herself on the pain aspect, and not on everyone else that she hurt with her betrayal.

Blue,

I have my ducks in a row, unfortunately with D I will be screwed. No fault state, and due to my military career. WW will get a significant portion of my disability/retirement. Infidelity isn’t a factor when deciding what a spouse is entitled to, lawyer told me she would likely get over half, plus I’d still owe alimony and child support. With 5 kids, id be ruined financially. I don’t care about paying for them, but I’d have little to nothing left for me to actually take care of myself or them when they were with me, if I even got 50/50. Lawyer also told me that wasn’t likely. Court won’t care about infidelity, they will care that she was SAHM who gave up working to support family and deal with military life, and that since I’m the only income, what’s best is for me to support her. It is what it is.

Rocket,

I appreciate the perspective of she needs to police herself, ain’t that the damn truth. I hate living in a world where I feel I have to. And I agree, if she wants to have another A she will. All I want is to make sure I’m not blinded again, that if anything happens or whatever I know so I can take proper precautions and protect myself best I can. Still sucks, and I miss not ever even considering this as a possibility.

Hiking out,

As always I deeply appreciate your input. Yes you aren’t my W, but there are so many similarities between experiences it’s hard not to make comparisons. She has said many similarities as to her why, what happened, her mental state, her admitting to how toxic her behavior/beliefs were. I don’t want an empty marriage, I truly hope she can get to a point where she has the clarity you have achieved. I won’t ever be able to fully forgive all of her actions during the A, but if she gets to a point where she fully understands and does her work to change deeply, I can probably forgive all in all. Time will tell.

I'm not questioning your lawyer, but I've never heard of more than half of your military retirement going to a spouse in a divorce. 50/50, yes, but not more than that. Also, I didn't think that your disability would be subject to divorce proceedings either. How old is your youngest? While she's coming to grips with the damage she caused, this would be a good time to discuss a post-nup if you're leaning toward divorce.

Also, I apologize if this is triggering, but I haven't seen whether you were pursuing any kind of criminal complaint or litigation against the POSAP for assaulting your child.

On a personal note, I can only imagine how much you're struggling with the injustice of this worthless POS living in your home while you were deployed. Your restraint is nothing short of superhuman. I remember times while downrange in some sh1th0le not knowing whether I'd survive the day, and to have that to come home to is mind-boggling. You're a better person than most, and he has to live every day with his sad little world knowing how small and insignificant he is.

Stay strong, brother.

[This message edited by 1994 at 4:08 PM, Monday, April 29th]

1994,

I appreciate it brother. Never thought the worst battle would be the one fought at home. I’ve done all I can legally against POSAP, which isn’t much unfortunately. I am showing restraint because if I do anything stupid I lose everything and he isn’t worth it. I won’t lose my freedom for him, because that is just how the world works.

I’m going off what my lawyer said based on his long experience with military divorces. He’s one of the best lawyers in my area, top rated, but he gave me the facts based off the judge. I think I phrased it wrong, she won’t get my disability but with alimony and child support all of it will go straight to her and then some. He gave me the most likely numbers, and it would be a significant portion of my income. Now if I have to, yeah I can make it work, but it will be basically losing everything I’ve worked so hard for to give my kids a stable happy life, I’m not there yet

With those numbers the attorney gave you, I can see pausing any steps towards divorce!

Maybe short term you can just stay in a hyper-vigilant state. You know how to pay attention to everything around you, so use that. Nip any potential problems right away. Trusted buddies may be able to help as well.

She could have been condemning herself for blowing up her life for only someone who viewed her as "a side piece". Showing contempt for herself.

But I’d recommend confronting her on it. Telling her you walked in and heard her talking. And she owes you honesty. That if she still pines for him she owes it to you to let you go if she only views you as Plan b to her true love.

I’d then tell her if she truly thinks of you as the love of her life, she needs to be proving that to you every day. She needs a real plan on how she treats the person she wants as her life partner and true love.

It can’t be more of the same. Little things and big things.

And it starts by explaining what she was saying when you heard her. It starts with owing you honesty.

Given the financial shackles and circumstances, I have some questions:

1. What is your vision for the marriage if this is as good as it gets?

2. I know you still love her and this possible breach or pining hurts you. What is your strategy of handling constant broken expectations and it not just killing you along the way?

People do not typically change until the pain of not changing is greater than the change itself. I had many areas about myself that I would call "emotional maturity" that took years to fix, and my motivation was fully there. I did not want to be this person. My mind was like a living hell and so it was hard to focus very well and becoming self aware is painful and humiliating until you can practice new tools or techniques. However, my willingness to figure those out and use them have me the confidence to keep building.

In your situation, I am not convinced her desire to change has anything to do with her. So, my assumption is that she too has similiar pressures to stay in the marriage.

I am saying that because if worse comes to worse, will this become a situation where you agree to stay married but function more as roommates?

I know you may not have a vision for this, but I am trying to understand better where you are and where you are trying to go. At some point you have to find stability for you. You say things have gotten better, I just don’t know if you can keep cycling through false hope over short bursts of whatever made you feel that way?

I think this may sound judgmental l, it’s not at all the direction I am taking this. Many people stay together until the kids leave. I also know that 2 years in the journey is still relatively early for a lot of couples trying to reconcile. I think it will take a tightrope of deep detachment while staying engaged enough that she isn’t the one who leaves and you still end up in a financial bind.

Anyway, that was a long winded way of trying to understand where you are and where you think you maybe going with these parameters? I just haven’t read enough of your posts and I would like to be more helpful if I can.

HikingOut, while it’s certainly possible that she would pursue divorce on her own, she won’t do it without another man waiting in the wings. And as she has so recently learned, a man might be happy to use her as a side piece, but no one is lining up to be legally and financially ensnared by an adulteress with 5 kids and a host of serious mental health issues.

OP, get your ducks in a row so that you can, if you choose to, get a divorce when your kids turn 18. She will still get alimony and a share of your retirement, but at least you won’t be on the hook for child support. 5 years goes by quicker than you might think; having a light at the end of the tunnel might make your day to day life more manageable.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:57 AM, Tuesday, April 30th]

I guess my point was, he isn’t the only one who can decide to stay married and the financial issues will be in the same place. I do think there are men that will take on five kids, but they are unlikely quality partners. This may not matter to a person prone to escapism, she is t going to be looking for red flags.

Honestly my concern is just with HIHF, and trying to understand the best way to help him.

All I want is to make sure I’m not blinded again, that if anything happens or whatever I know so I can take proper precautions and protect myself best I can.

Well, nothing should be stopping you from doing that right now.

As mentioned earlier, your WW should be the one protecting the M against any threats if she values the M. She would be on high alert for the family unit as she had betrayed the unit already.

What you should do, is to keep your wits about you. You don't have to divert precious effort/energies to protect the M, but you will need to heal yourself. The protection duties are to be delegated to the WS. If the WS cannot protect the M, well, you would have focused on yourself to heal somewhat so that you can protect yourself and your kids.

Keep your situational awareness active, but not to such a high state that you get anxious. Have a plan to extract you and your kids out of the situation if it arises so that you are not 'caught out', and it will help lower anxiety as there is a plan to follow.

If your WW is not able to be vigilant, it could be that she is still in wayward thinking and is too busy throwing a pity party for herself...

Hiking out,

We actually aren’t living as roommates. I post a lot when something major happens and it sends me into a dark place, but that may be painting a one sided picture of our marriage. There has been a lot of damage, and major issues during our R, and I know I’ve been accused of being her cheerleader, truth is she has really been trying. We have been in a good place for about 4-5 months now. Yes I still love her, but I don’t have my rose colored glasses on anymore. I am still working on seeing what she is for real and not who I thought she was, but I am no longer blind. She has a very difficult road ahead of her, and I can’t fix what is broken, only she can.

I do agree she needs to do it for herself and not me. I don’t honestly know if she is there yet. I am reasonably sure that she agreed to my boundaries of R out of desperation of me not leaving her and not so much that she needed to change. I do think she is taking accountability, and slowly understanding that she has to change because she needs to in order to have a solid relationship, regardless of our future.

I don’t want to be roommates, I don’t want to stay for the kids, and I don’t want to stay because of money. I want my marriage, obviously I want the marriage to not have been tainted by an affair, but that will never happen again. I know I can leave, and I know that if i wanted to find someone else I could. I could have had multiple affairs if I had wanted to.

Also, I am no longer afraid if she leaves. If she wants to leave, she can go. I will not do anything to stop her. I did that all with my pathetic pick me dance and I will never do that again. I have told her this. I am in R because I want to have a partner again. Which
is why what I overheard devastated me so much.

Blue,

I do agree that she needs to stop feeling sorry for herself and remember that she ignored so many red flags to get herself out of whatever she was dealing with, at the cost of our son’s safety and health. FWIW, the guilt that she is responsible for allowing harm to our kids has been nothing short of crippling for her. I do think it played a big part in her attempt a couple of months back. She felt that yes I was an awful wife, but I am still a good mom, and to finally get hit with no, she fucked that up to snapped something deep inside her. Course she didn’t actually think I would D her upon discovering the A so she was able to justify herself, the cold hard facts of not only did she almost end our family and that she let someone harmful into our life (it never ceases to amaze me how she could deny that a man who got divorced because he was cheating on his wife with her, a SAHM who was married may actually not actually be a good person) had shattered her view of herself. It’s up to her to pick the pieces up.