SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I decided to schedule with an APSATS coach. I’m tired of bad advice from professionals who don’t seem to get it. My WH provided me a disclosure letter early on and it was helpful but there have been some new insights (porn, fantasy story) since and the two of us don’t know what we are doing in this healing process, so I sought out professional help.

The APSATS recommended full therapeutic disclosure and poly. A part of me still doesn’t trust him, rightly so, and I feel like this would help me in the process of making peace with the past.

I talked to him about it, and he said he would do it. The next morning, he seemed put off and sad, teetering on avoidant but he shook it off. I, on the other hand, sat with it all day and felt incredibly sad/guilty/ashamed that I am still on the fence and asking him to jump through all these hoops when I don’t know if I even will end up choosing to reconcile. We talked about it when I got home, and he validated my feelings and did much better than he would have in the past.

The next day he seemed a little put off by it again. We talked about it….
Am I subconsciously being spiteful or vindictive? He said 10% of him thinks so (for the first 3 months after DD he thought 80% of me was spiteful). That I’m making him jump through hoops, so he must pay for his transgressions. He verbalized how this sounds in his head, imitating what I might be thinking, "You lied so you have to pay" and hearing him do that made me so sad. I saw him in a different light. It reminded me of when he played out how I sounded to him in his head all those years ago when I was pushing him to do things (spend time with kids, finish college, plan dates). I own that and see now I was trying to change him, mold him, into something I wanted. I am working on this myself with my therapist and have made good progress in acceptance.
As I’m typing this what I’m thinking is that it may be his own internal voice, his own self-flagellation. I mean wouldn’t a small piece of me feel good and not incredibly sad if I was being spiteful?

I filed for divorce in November 2023 but put it on hold to think things through. I feel so incredibly stuck, in agony when I consider either direction. It’s almost like once my brain considered divorce and filed I can’t stop thinking about it. Almost like an obsessive thought, I don’t want to be having. I want to WANT to reconcile and put my wall down but then my brain thinks about divorce and ruins any piece of hope I was trying to ignite.

All that to say my questions are;
-Has disclosure/poly brought anyone a sense of reconciling the past so you could focus on reconciliation?
-Has anyone had this obsessive divorce/exit thought and worked through it? If so how?
-I’m a realist so I know the grass isn’t greener on the other side but perhaps a part of me wants to make sure. Or do you think it could be my gut intuition?
-I'm pretty sure this guilt I feel is a piece of the codependence showing up but sometimes I question if I myself am a narcissist. I was so incredibly controlling and manipulative when I was younger (married him at 20). I did eventually mature, especially when I was far away from my volatile controlling dad. But for a long time, I was a nag and eventually became mean from untreated ADHD spousal burnout. I've been working on that for several years and JUST when I reached a level of growth I was proud of DD hit. Not sure if there is a question here just a side rant.

Also, I appreciate all feedback - no need to sugarcoat anything.
I think this is all codependence and self-gaslighting, but I'm doubting myself. Perhaps after 34 years of being together, it's too difficult to break the unhealthy/toxic patterns unless you get out of it.

Maybe it's just chronic resentment. Too much to overcome? UGH, this is a snippet of my brain.

A poly and a therapeutic disclosure doesn’t sound like too much.

It sounds like you have evolved and he hasn’t recognized it. I can appreciate how that happens in a long term marriage, h and I are both guilty of that. It’s because we have to continue to get to know each other over decades of marriage. I used to be an over thinker and would obsess about whether or not I said the wrong things. Part of my healing has moved me out of that but he still thinks it’s there. It takes time to adjust to a shift after knowing someone for so long.

It also sounds a little like he is avoiding this either because there is more to know or he is afraid that talking about it keeps it stirred up. Either way, those are not valid reasons for not doing it if he wants the marriage. And if you think it would help you I think he should be thankful you keep looking for a way through.

You need to change your perspective.

Getting the truth shouldn't be dependent on whether you reconcile. You deserve to know what happened in your marriage. Knowing the entire truth will give you clarity, and help you heal, regardless of reconciliation.

Pushing him to be a better person should never cause you to feel guilty. It also shouldn't make him feel,in any way, resentful. If he were truly remorseful, he wouldn't be resentful. At all. He would empathize,and know you don't trust because he's shown you good reason not to.

He shouldn't want to become a safe partner, because that means you may reconcile. That's the wrong reason. He should want to do the work because HE wants to be a safe, better person.

None of his work should be contingent upon reconciliation. And you finally having the truth shouldn't be either.

Getting the truth shouldn't be dependent on whether you reconcile. You deserve to know what happened in your marriage. Knowing the entire truth will give you clarity, and help you heal, regardless of reconciliation.

This.

Thank you Hikingout and Hellfire....that change in perspective makes perfect sense. I felt relief reading that because really healing is my main goal, no matter the outcome of the relationship.

repeating Hellfire:

You need to change your perspective.

Getting the truth shouldn't be dependent on whether you reconcile. You deserve to know what happened in your marriage. Knowing the entire truth will give you clarity, and help you heal, regardless of reconciliation.

Pushing him to be a better person should never cause you to feel guilty. It also shouldn't make him feel,in any way, resentful. If he were truly remorseful, he wouldn't be resentful. At all. He would empathize,and know you don't trust because he's shown you good reason not to.

He shouldn't want to become a safe partner, because that means you may reconcile. That's the wrong reason. He should want to do the work because HE wants to be a safe, better person.

None of his work should be contingent upon reconciliation. And you finally having the truth shouldn't be either.

Hubby needs to learn what being a responsible MARRIED adult should be.

spend time with kids, finish college, plan dates

Something seriously missing in his thinker to resent any of these 3 items - (and you can add more I'm sure)

Good Luck with the poly.

!#$ grammar checker

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 4:49 PM, Tuesday, April 23rd]

Hippo16 - you are 100% correct, I can think of so many more!

OMG! I just got sticker shock on how much full therapeutic disclosure polygraph is going to cost!!!
We have already spent so much money!!!
I feel so defeated.

So, I just found it curious that you responded to the cost of a polygraph with a "we" defense statement, whereas you could have said "so, this man's issues are sure expensive!" but not shared in the responsibilty for such forensics being needed. (I sense you have granted this man way too much of your own identity over the years tgat you've struggled with his issues.)

Something to think about.

Maybe he could do a side hustle to raise the funds?

Actions
_______
Words

(Actions over words)

I get that things can be expensive. Is he not wanting to do this because there's more to the story? Why isn't he coming up with ways to cover the cost rather than having you stress about it?