SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel like I am so hot and cold when it comes to communication with her. On one hand, I want to talk to her, to share about our kids and to still be her best friend and in the next moment I hate her guts and wish her an unhappy life. I still daydream about taking the AP's head off with a bat. They are still together. I saw them in the car together and it was the first time I have seen them in person and I had a panic attack.

According to her sister she is on eggshells when it comes to doing anything since she feels like I am using any opportunity to attack her or use something she did wrong against her to take the kids. I'm not intentionally doing that but I also feel like I'm the only one making decisions with their best interest in mind. She created this reality. I don't know how I can ever have any sort of relationship with her as long as the AP is still in the picture. (for the time being it looks like that wont change). I'll never be okay with him in my childrens lives. (thankfully she has to wait six months from when the divorce is settled before she can).

Everyone keeps telling me my feelings will subside and I won't feel this way once I meet someone and that I won't hate her and the AP forever, in fact I may be thankful that he took such a horrible person out of my life but I'm still just so heartbroken.

I caved last week and went to her place late at night when she had the kids and asked her to come outside so I could hug her. We hugged for a minute and then I left and I was so mad at myself for being so weak.

I feel like I can't say anything to her or even try to talk to her to tell her how she's made me feel because A) what's the point and B) she'll just talk to her new love of her life about it and it will be fuel for them to be even more connected because "he understands her completely".

I hold it together for my kids and then when they are with her I'm just a complete wreck.

Why do you care that she is walking on eggshells? She should be. She blew up your lives and has lied to you all along. This has to be torture for you. Why shouldn’t she feel some pain in this also? I’m not saying to be unreasonable, but you have every right to advocate for your children. The fact she is nervous about doing something that jeopardizes her case is a good thing. It’s probably the only thing holding her back from this guy moving in and trying to replace you which from your past posts is probably her end game.

Don’t be stupid, but don’t roll over either. And please, no more begging for attention. She is done with you. Be business like in your interactions. From now until the divorce everything is a negotiation. Take your power back. If it makes her uncomfortable, that’s her problem

Waited too long is right.

I am sorry you are in this terrible pain. It may be hard for you to see at this point but it will gradually get better. If you have the resources for therapy that might be helpful.

If not, think about doing some things that can start to infuse some dopamine in your brain:

1. A gratitude practice sounds trite, but studies show that it reworded your brain in as little as 21 days. When I was at my lowest point I did it, and at first it was really hard. But you basically think of three things each day that you are thankful for and really take a moment to appreciate each one. It does help remind you to look for good and also when you encounter those things throughout the day it gives you a little deeper connection of being glad for it.

2. Try and get sleep as steady as you can. Exercise/being outdoors can give you a boost. Eating certain foods like pine ale or salmon (look up the full list) are known to help increase happy chemicals in your brain.

3. Think about some hobbies you might take up that you can look forward to when you don’t have the kids. Also this is a great way to meet new friends who you can have plans with sometimes when your kids are with her.

4. Basically do anything that makes you feel good, lose track of time.

It’s a huge adjustment. Be patient with yourself. There is no shame if you need meds for a while to help yourself get through it.

You are divinely loved and inherently worthy. Some of the best days of your life are still in front of you. Start investing in yourself. It’s hard to feel like it, so definitely consider therapy or meds or whatever to get yourself a little more steady.

Op. I know the pain you feel all too well. It is a tough road. But you need to find your inner strength. Hold your chin up and act the part ofva strong, confident man, even when you feel like anything but. Never let her smell your weakness, and she will smell it. All it will do is fuel her narrative.

Do you have any strong men in your life who can support you? I feel it is vitally important that men have a community of masculine men in their lives. Men who are strong and honorable and good and believe that their word is their bond. Being around such men can give you the confidence to endure this. Remember, iron sharpens iron.

I’m in your shoes but a little way ahead in my story. You need to stop talking to her. Text about the kids, that’s it. Lawyer up now. I have two lawyers one for property division one for child custody. It sucks but that’s the way it is.

Don’t get hung up about the AP being in your kids lives. It’s inevitable and you can’t stop it. Accept it, it’s hard I know. I accepted it and I still hate the guy. But I won’t say anything bad about him to my kids because I know from my childhood how damaging and confusing that is.

You are totally valid in not wishing them well and hating them for all time if you want to. A lot of people here will say indifference is the opposite of love. I don’t agree. You want to be no contact with your nasty ex so you don’t think about her. Eventually you’ll move on and barely think about her but when you occasionally do it’s fine to remember how she betrayed, lied and cheated you and robbed you on your dignity and time with your children. It’s fine and valid to hate her in those moments. Indifference is a myth.

Some of us old-timers have D'ed,; some R'ed. But note that we agree WRT you.

First, your thoughts and feelings are normal. It's good that you aren't actually going to remove ap's head with a bat. Hitting baseballs at a batting range and putting ap's face on every ball is a great idea, though. Hitting a punching bag with a photo of ap pasted on is a great idea. I didn't fantasize about bashing ow, but inagining batting his head off may work for you. There's nothing wrong with wishing ill on them - but a good job for your W might be good for your finances. High pay in a job one's WS hates seems like a great wish to adopt for one's WS.

Second, I think it's fair to say that all of us think it's highly appropriate for your STBXW to walk on eggshells because she messed up very badly. A living hell may be a good wish for an unremorseful WS, as long as that doesn't impact kids.

Third, we all think you'll do yourself a favor by going NC with your STBXW.

At first, our son and XDIL didn't even talk to or see each other when they handed off our GS - the switch occurred at the end of a schoolday, so GS left one home to go to school and got picked up by the other parent at the end of school that day.

It's not getting together with a new woman that will save you. You need to find your own strengths and get together with yourself. Have you considered find a good IC for yourself?

BTW, our son found out that a D settlement couldn't even keep our GS from contact with a sexual abuser, as long as the abuser was not convicted.