SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I used to lay by the pool, relax in bed watching king of the hill, cook pasta dishes up like no one’s business, go to the gym, sit in church, read books… now the thought of doing any of these things scare me.
I did all of these things a lot while my H was having his affair. I used to cook pasta a lot on the days he would see his AP and now even cooking it will throw me into a depression and my kids LOVE pasta. A few weeks ago I almost threw it all in the trash half way through cooking.
I will want to lay in bed and just throw on a show some nights and be alone and I can’t, I scroll through this site instead searching for hope.. I haven’t put the pool up because the thought of enjoying that again has me just feeling sick.
I am trying to find new rituals and new hobbies but the fact I sat around so dumb thinking everything as great has me just kicking myself. I should have seen the signs , I should have known something was wrong. I start EMDR next week and my counselor thinks it will really help and I’m hopeful. My mental health has always been in a good place and now I feel like I’m barely hanging on. Yesterday was Monday (when he usually saw his AP) and we both have a new ritual where he cooks for us that day to relieve me of stress. Sunday night I had nightmares of him and her all night and let’s just say it ruined the whole day. I kept him
Awake half the morning crying and asking the same stupid questions.
He used a new word at dinner thar I’ve never heard him say and I lost it, I asked him if he got it from his AP and I just started losing it.
I don’t know what I’m asking or if I’m asking anything really but my mental health is struggling more than I could have ever imagined and for someone that I loved so much to be the cause, has me just feeling sick and I know this is the only place I can be heard and at the same time understood.
Thanks for always letting me vent.

I completely feel this, Groot. Infidelity makes you feel utterly insane because it stole your past. You constantly think back and you can't trust what you lived, and obviously can't trust the present, and the future is completely unknown. It's brutal. I feel you. You're not insane. You're having normal reactions to abnormal actions by your wayward.

As a funny, irrelevant aside, when I was overseas and had only been married for about 6 months, my WW had her cellphone set to the king of the Hill theme song for the satellite phone number I called about once a week from because I had the DVD box sets and was such a fan.

This is pure grief. It manifests itself in so many ways. The more lies, manipulations, gas lighting that you endure piles grief on top of grief. You can’t breathe because you are smothering in it. Do not expect feeling "normal". Your H has, in essence, shot you. Your body is going through the same agony as if he used a gun. Finding a therapist and a support group will help.

Sending you hugs because I wish I could send you healing. Once you take charge of your life and stop expecting decency from him you will be on the right path. You need to be finding ways to give you peace.

You’re only 5 months into this, after the death of a thousand cuts from your WH TTing you from October to Jan. That’s a lot. Everything you are experiencing is normal trauma response. It sucks, it’s horrible, but it’s a consequence of his choice and affair.

Don’t feel dumb. Trust me, I know what that feels like. Every BS knows. AP had dinner with me and my WW while they were very active in an affair, at my house. Hell, I even let AP
crash at my house when I was out of town while going through a d, which I only found out after dday 2 was because he was having an A with my WW, I had no idea. You had trust in your WH, you’re not stupid for thinking that. He is the one who messed that up, not you. Stupid things will cause you to spiral. I had to throw out toys AP gave my kids, which sucked, but I couldn’t take it. There are certain shows I can’t watch because I know WW and AP watched them together.

I say this a lot, but especially to those trying R and are still in the first year or so, it’s brutal and give yourself grace. You didn’t do anything wrong, nothing you did caused this, and nothing you could have done would have prevented it. Don’t blame yourself for anything you are feeling or struggling with. R is a slog, it’s pain, it’s so damn hard, and there will be days when you can’t take it. You are giving a gift to someone who doesn’t deserve it, no matter how much remorse they show. Doesn’t mean it won’t hurt, it will, a lot. It will get better. No matter what path you choose, it will get better. Just remember to be patient and honest with yourself. If you can’t and you are done, then you are and that’s ok and in no way is that your fault.

I do promise, it will get better and you will get through this.

It really does get better, but I know that is cold consolation to anyone in the thick of it. Take care of yourself. Hold on to the marriage loosely if you choose to hold it at all.

This - what you say in your post - is normal, and allowing these thoughts and feelings into your awareness is healing.

Being betrayed is a giant hit to one's mental health. I often write that BSes are stronger than they realize. Part of what I mean by that is that BSes are strong enough to think these thoughts and feel these feelings that come with being betrayed.

Knowing what you think and feel is crucial to healing. You're taking the shortest way through this awful period, but feeling awful is part of your work. It seems endless, but it's not - rather, there are so many thoughts and feelings that letting them in and letting them go takes much longer than anyone thinks it should.

Your kids love the pasta you make? I expect you'll be getting back to making them pasta, partly because giving them what they love is a loving act, and you ARE loving, and partly because you enjoy their loving your pasta, and you'll start opening yourself up to the joy of being loved.

You'll get through this. Your life will get better as you release more and more pain. The improvement is likely to be slower than you want, but you will reclaim your mental health and ability to feel joy.

I read this post last night and so many thoughts and feelings washed over me. I couldn’t form a response because everything just came rushing back.

That may sound odd because I talk more about being the ws than the bs. My husbands affair was 18 months long and in our house. Everything I touched I wondered if she had touched. Every picture I wondered what she thought when she looked at it. The entire house and the entirely of a year an a half was just dripping with the mockery of our reconciliation. I get there should never have been an affair or we wouldn’t have been working on R, but I was really putting my 150 percent and it was like going 90 miles down the interstate and hitting a brick wall.

Reading sissoon’s response is so spot on. Grief in this situation is inevitable, and the only way to the other side is through. It’s so unfair, and it drains every ounce of your life force some days. What he is saying is what I believe to be true.

My main reason for this rambling response is you have it even harder with small kids at home. I can not even imagine what that would have felt like. I only had to hold it together for adult children who weren’t at all focused on us.

Here is my advice: divide some of these duties with him more. It’s great he cooks on mondays. But tell him that you need time to have solitude. He can put up the pool, and he can manage the kids for more than just a dinner on Monday. Go lay in bed if you want to. After some time, add back one activity. Perhaps something with friends or a close family member. It’s not going to take this all from you but you need time to focus on your self care and being able to process too. Take care of you.

I agree with Inkhulk, it does get better over time. You are best to focus on your needs right now. Trying to suppress them so you can get through the day is likely adding to the heaviness of your burden. Take care, Groot.

I really appreciate everyone's response, some days I literally have the worst days like I feel like I will never be mentally sound again and it is scary, which I am sure you all get. I feel like I will never be put back together and every thing I do will remind me of his affair.

hikingout

Thank you for your response and letting me know you get how I feel, since this my H has taken on more, I wouldn't have it any other way. We bought a blackstone grill which he cooks on most nights, I used to cook 4 days a week, now I maybe do 1. When he goes to the store or to dinner he takes a kid with him, and he is putting up the pool. When I think about how much I did last summer while he claimed to be "Making money" I get so upset and I just want to throw in the towel. With a 2 and 3 year old, this is brutal. I went to bed right after I made this post last night and he put the kids to bed. I have no complaints with how much he is doing for the kids and I, I just can't let my guard down, I feel like a joke. I deep cleaned the house today while I worked AND took care of the babies wondering if I am stupid for even enjoying living here anymore. The back and forth of feeling is brutal. Every day I wake up I remember what he did and that he chose himself over the kids and I then I just go and cook, clean, and play with the kids like nothing is wrong... I don't know I feel like life should have to stop for a while.

Sisson

You are always so wise, I hate having to feel anything. When I feel things I end up in bed, I end up crying, or end up screaming at him for making me feel this way. I am trying to tell myself that what I am feeling is "normal" but it literally feels like a big black hole I keep falling down. When I feel it , I feel like I am giving into depression if that makes sense?

Marine

I LOVED King of the Hill but now that he did this and there is so much infidelity in the show, it will take a long time for me to watch it again. Sorry you are here too.

Hellisnothalffull

You are right, the trickle truth is what has me so upset and defensive , I hate him for dragging it out. I think it would be easier to reconcile if I had the whole truth at the beginning but instead here I am questioning my last 10 years. It is literally the worst pain I have experienced, how can someone who loves me this much destroy me? It is just inhumane.

Ink

Thank you for that, I can't wait to get to the other side of this hell but I know it won't be anytime soon.

Cooley

I am definitely trying to find that inner peace and happiness, the last thing I want is to be codependent but I know this will be a journey

I don't know I feel like life should have to stop for a while.

Yes, I totally understand - if this had been a physical recovery from a surgery or injury, life would stop. Emotional injuries (while we do manifest physical symptoms) are harder to recover from but life doesn’t get to stop. There is a line from a movie that I always think of "I don’t have time to have the nervous breakdown I deserve". I think it was "Something to talk about" with Julia Roberts.

Glad he is pitching in. Allow yourself to give in to the depression sometimes. Rest is so important for healing no matter if it’s physical or emotional or both. It’s when your healing epiphanies will visit.