SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband had an affair in 2011, it wasn’t his first, but the first I knew of any of them. He has turned himself around and I am as sure as I can be that it has never happened again. Most of the time, I feel that we have reconciled. However, I just can’t do anniversaries. They just remind me of the years of deceit and lying.

Yesterday was our fortieth, I probably would have forgotten if he hadn’t mentioned it. Only his sister acknowledged it, his father used to remember it every year, but he passed in October. I’m sure grief is part of why that seems to have hurt him . He never remembers anyone else’s anniversary, so I imagine grief is playing into this. He never acknowledges our daughters’ anniversaries.

Now he and his sister want to celebrate it. I wish they didn’t.

Now he and his sister want to celebrate it. I wish they didn’t.

I would tell my H that I have no desire to celebrate it, and I would ask him to tell his sister that you appreciate her kindness, but you're not interested.

I feel this.
Our wedding was literally the most beautiful day I ever could have asked for but for me it meant more than it did to my H. I have no desire to celebrate that marriage again.
I am one of those rare people that would like to EVENTUALLY write new vows and do it all over again but keep that date, I know it sounds stupid but my H wasn't ready to get married, he didn't think M was a big deal and as time goes on , he is emotionally growing. I know many aren't a fan of this and it may not work for you. We are only 7 months out so of course this could change.

I would also ask his sister and H to not celebrate.... especially if it brings up pain for you.
Does his sister know about the A?

Groot, same about the WH "not being ready for marriage." Mine admits now that he didn't fully understand that I became his family when we got married. He wanted marriage to show people he could do it, mostly, and because it was the natural order of things.

He wasn't consciously thinking these things at the time; he believed he was getting married for all the right reasons (even though he was cheating... he thought getting married would force him to stop cheating). But his view of me now and what marriage means now are a 180 compared to what he thought on our wedding day.

Now he values marriage and family above all else.

We still celebrate our actual anniversary, though we took a few years off in the beginning. We plan to someday renew our vows, but I'm not quite there yet.

Thanks for the support, guys. SI can always be counted on. My sister in law knows about 2 of the affairs. Since it’s been so long ago, I assume I’m supposed to be over it.

This is why reconciliation is so difficult. It seems at first like the most important thing in the world to reconcile and fix everything so you can go on with the life you built. But the new life you must build build is like a road full of pot holes, you have to be constantly on the lookout for the next bump in the road.

So far, both of them haven’t mentioned any further plans. We‘ll see what comes of it. H knows I’m iffy on anniversaries so I doubt he wants to bring it up.