SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I managed to keep from losing it for 37 years, and now it's very likely gone. I thought I was okay with it and even said yesterday on hikingout's thread that I didn't care all that much because it's not my style, but I was wrong. I'm now deeply sad about it. I went on a big crying jag last night. The big emotions came out of nowhere and completely overwhelmed me. I was so surprised.

I stuck it on a straw on my tumbler when we were camping, which is unlike me. I'm good at securing things and knowing where they are, so there might be a bit of a subconscious dismissive factor to it. I remember looking at it and thinking "I should put that away" and feeling sort of rebellious about leaving it on the straw. There's no telling where it is. It could be at the campsite, or it could have been dropped anywhere in between. We'll check our camper the next time we get it out of storage.

While I was keyed up about my ring, I relayed to my H that I saw a meme or a TikTok yesterday about women needing to feel secure in a marriage and that I do not feel secure. I don't think I've ever felt secure. And the kicker is that I married him for security. He had been crushing on me since high school. I was 20 and feeling a bit at sea because I had dropped out of college and was working a dead-end, low paying job. He was a Marine. We had to marry to be together because of the military, and marrying him meant that I'd have guaranteed housing and healthcare. And someone to "take care of me."

He jokingly warned me before we got married that he was into hot rods, and that it wasn't going to change. There had been a lot of financial infidelity surrounding the cars before DDay, but I thought we were well past that. Then, about two years ago, he bought an old truck and dumped about $25k into it that we didn't have. He maxed out a credit card building a ridiculous motor. I paid it off using our savings. He did it AGAIN, and paid it off using a 401k loan. Then he did it AGAIN and I lost my god damn mind. (This financial infidelity is what brought me back to SI after all these years.) His solution was to do a cash-out refi on the house. So we went from a 3.2% interest rate to 6.75%, and our payment went up by $1500/mo, because I also got talked into taking out the max equity we could before PMI kicked in - by him and by our mortgage guy. My gut was screaming the whole time, but those assholes talked me into it. Oh, and the motor in the truck also blew up less than six weeks later so now we have to spend MORE MONEY to get it fixed. (Not his fault that it blew up; long story, but it doesn't fucking matter.)

And then his industry took a downturn and he's now getting about $1000 less each month in commission. So, essentially, we have about $2500 less each month than we did before he fucked everything up. We have a good chunk of the equity money in savings, and we're having to draw on it each month to make it. It's driving me MAD. He also just HAD to have the truck that he wanted, which he leased right before we did the refi, which affected our interest rate. I drive a 13 year old Miata.

It hit me like a ton of bricks that he's always just done what he wants, with very little mind to how it will affect me. He professes to love me and takes care of me in the ways that HE thinks are valuable, but stressing me out for literally decades with his irresponsible spending habits is not loving. It's bullshit.

I've had diagnosed hypertension for 15 years. Lately, I've been dealing with an average BP of about 165/90. I'm like "What is going on?!" not taking into account that I am STRESSED THE FUCK OUT. I've added another medication and it's come down to about 140/75, which is better, but not good.

We're going to sell the house, because he now hates taking care of the yard and the pool, and because we can't fucking afford it anymore. He used to love it. And this is MY heart house, after living in the house that he wanted for 18 years and hating it. There's a freaking tree swing in the front yard that my grandsons love, and it's breaking my heart that I'm taking it away from them. They've even cried about it. After unloading on him last night, he came home early from work and is working on the pool and other things that need attention before we can list the house.

It's time for a big change, one way or another. The stress could literally kill me. Sometimes I dream about running away to a cottage in the woods with my best friend, whose husband is a "bill paying motherfucker" but who stresses her out in other big ways. She traded security for fun and passion. I bet she'd go for it. She already owns said cottage. lol

Anyway. Thank you for reading, if you got this far. I needed to barf that up.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 11:16 PM, Tuesday, May 21st]

I don’t have words right now, but I do have tears.

Thank you, IH.

We had a great talk last night. I don't have the bandwidth to update right now, but will soon.

Tears here, too. No words.

I am sorry things are hard right now. The situation you find yourself in surely does suck. I know this isn’t the point at all but I hope you will find a place for that swing in your new place. Selling my dream house wasn’t on my bingo card either but it did leave a lot of space for new dreams. I am in no way saying your husband has done you any favors, but this too will guide your path and new dreams will be born. Losses can lead you to wins too.

I can’t be sorry I am a big ole Pollyanna, but it does help me regulate my own hypertension issues that began decades ago during my pregnancy. This doesn’t erase your husband’s irresponsibility, or inform on how to move through that, just a reassurance and hope that things will turn out better than you expected. Godspeed.

Thank you for being a safe place for me to get this out.

We had a really good talk last night and landed on the fact that we're very good friends, but we're severely lacking at being husband and wife to each other. And something has opened up recently where we can talk so much more honestly and freely, even when we have potentially scary things to say to each other, like "I can't do this anymore. It has to change."

He was defensive about the money that he spent on the truck, saying that he never hid anything. (20 years ago, he had concealed that he got a raise so that he could spend the difference on his drag car.) Okay, but he didn't discuss anything with me, he just did it. He wasn't forthcoming (or didn't realize) about how much it would take to build, and didn't friggin' stop spending when he knew it was a problem. So many times I've told him "We're tight until payday; keep it to necessities" and then he goes and does something like spend $150 on go-kart shit. He says he doesn't remember. I know how he is, so I believe him in cases like that, but I need him to get his shit together. He just has to. I can't do this anymore.

He asked me what I wanted from him. I have a warm and fuzzy memory of when we were first dating: We were at a friend's party sitting on the couch, and he had his arm around me. I was tucked tightly into his side and I felt like I was his. Like he would take care of me. I've relayed this story and the accompanying feeling many times over the years, and I told him that's what I want to feel. Like I'm always tucked into his side with his arm around me. Protected and safe. Prioritized. Cared for.

I'm a lifelong feminist, my BFF is a feminist, but when I was talking with her about this yesterday, she said that she understands why some women are attracted to "alpha males." They handle everything and their wives feel protected. Of course, that dynamic can be problematic, but it speaks to some women's desire for security. I wonder how much of my independence has to do with me having to be independent, having to take charge because it's been necessary. It might be nice to relax into a more traditional role.

And of course, there's been a tit-for-tat dynamic at play for a long time. I don't get what I need from him, so there's no motivation to give him what he needs in order to feel loved and cared for, and round and round we go with nobody getting their needs met and everybody unhappy and angsty.

When we bought this house, I said that I would help with the pool. I had no idea how big a job it would be (we have lots of oak trees that dump their leaves and acorns) and he got stuck with it. That's something that he "can't do anymore; it has to change" and I need to be fair about that. He also had back surgery a few years ago, and has a torn rotator cuff, and it's time to make life easier. It really is time to move for practical reasons, including money, and if things go as planned, we'll be building a very cute house that we designed on a lot that we intend to landscape with native plants. It'll be so much easier. But there are no trees that can support the swing, and the swing was here when we bought the house and should probably stay for the next owners. I'm just really sad about it. (It's such a fun house. We also have a seesaw and a giant school chalkboard in the kitchen.)

I got up with him this morning so that he could start his day with me, which is something that he's always wanted me to do. He says it makes a huge difference in his attitude. (He just leaves so friggin' early and I WFH.) I made him lunch, too, which helps him stay out of convenience stores and not spend $30 on Uber Eats because he's busy and starving. His job is high stress and he feels unappreciated for what he has to endure to support us. He makes about double what I do, and has a long commute and a busy day, every day, whereas my days are significantly quieter and I WFH.

Anyway. We'll see how this goes.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 8:29 PM, Wednesday, May 22nd]

Forgot this bit: I told him that what's going on with us is like when the lake turns over. It's unsettling, but necessary for long term health.

Lake turnover is important because it prevents the water from becoming too cold or too warm. It helps to clean the sediment that has accumulated at the bottom of the lake. As the water mixes, it brings the sediment up from the bottom and circulates it throughout the entire body of water.

This helps to keep the lake clean and clear.

We live in the lake community where H grew up. He instantly understood and appreciated the reference.

I'm a lifelong feminist, my BFF is a feminist, but when I was talking with her about this yesterday, she said that she understands why some women are attracted to "alpha males." They handle everything and their wives feel protected. Of course, that dynamic can be problematic, but it speaks to some women's desire for security.

I'm sorry Sacred. You've been heard - vent away. I wish I could give you a hug.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm also a giant feminist and I don't think there is anything anti-feminist about wanting security. Wanting security in your relationship isn't about seeking out some "alpha male" Gaston-type "provider", who will beat up the bad guys and bring home the bacon, I think you just want to know that someone has your back - emotionally and psychologically so that you can relax and take a breath... and feel safe. You want to have trust that your partner is going to be there for you always, not just sometimes. Your desire for security is not about being a "kept woman", it's about knowing you can let someone else keep watch at the fire pit for predators at night so you can sleep soundly in the knowledge that your ever-present vigilance has been transferred.

And yes, right now you're stressed about money because you are going to have to leave your home - your safe place, a place you love - in order to pay for a stupid truck you never asked for. That's logical. I'm so sorry.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 12:42 AM, Thursday, May 23rd]

Your desire for security is not about being a "kept woman", it's about knowing you can let someone else keep watch at the fire pit for predators at night so you can sleep soundly in the knowledge that your ever-present vigilance has been transferred.

Nailed it. I had originally typed that I don't trust him to not fall asleep on his watch, but that wasn't quite right. It's not just a passive, inattentive negligence. I don't trust him to not actively make bad decisions. It's exhausting. I buzz with anxiety. I can usually only truly relax when I'm high. I have no idea how much is biological anxiety and how much is situational because it's been this way since 1988. I don't remember being anxious as a teenager, but I married him so young it might not have presented yet. I don't know. (I just took a gummy and managed to scrounge up a little flower, thank goodness! By the time I'm finished writing this, it should have kicked in a little.)

About 30 years ago, I tried letting him pay the bills. We had two checking accounts and he wrote all the checks from the wrong account, so everything was bouncing all over the place. The very first boundary that I remember enforcing was when he asked me to clean up that mess and I said absolutely not. You fucked it up, you clean it up. I've handled the bills ever since. He has no idea what's in the bank unless he asks me. I tell him often, and I tell him when to be frugal, but it's like it doesn't sink in. He's got ADHD like a mofo, but dang, so do I. I think it's more about risk tolerance. Mine is low so I'm more driven to compensate, if that's the right term.

When my dad died in 2010, I kept his bank account open and did an owner finance on his house. All the payments went into that account. I just accepted the last payment a couple of months ago, so that revenue stream has stopped. It's not a lot of money, because it was a little house in a rural community and because I shared the profit with my sister's kids, but I will likely always keep enough there to bug out if I ever needed to.

And yes, right now you're stressed about money because you are going to have to leave your home - your safe place, a place you love - in order to pay for a stupid truck you never asked for. That's logical. I'm so sorry.

That's it, exactly.

Thank you, my friend. Your words are always such a comfort to me.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 3:16 AM, Thursday, May 23rd]