SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found this article by Laurie Bryson, M.A., LPC very interesting. I hope it helps you in your recovery process and becomes something you can refer to from time to time.

The disclosure process is usually the most painful and confusing aspect of recovering from infidelity. It can also be the biggest barrier for couples trying to get unstuck.

As a concept, it doesn't seem that difficult. Painful, yes, but can't it be easier? Well, yes to both. It is painful, and it can be simpler than most people make it.

Today, we're going to discuss two important aspects of disclosure that can bring clarity and speed to the healing process for both partners. In short, disclosure is about uncovering what happened – the when, the how, and the who. Revealing the secrets that have been kept in the relationship is crucial for healing and moving forward.

Ultimately, we want everyone to find healing and freedom. In order for that to happen, the disclosure process must be complete. We want you to be able to move on to the next stage of healing.

Let's start with what happens to the betrayed mate when they do not have full disclosure: Choice is taken away. A fundamental aspect of adulthood is the ability to make choices about our daily life and about our future. When choice is taken away, in essence, we are held captive to the event or circumstance, making us feel trapped, dehumanized, and very much like a victim. The betrayed partner desperately needs to have a choice in how they respond, but they do not have that unless they have all the information.

Wayward partners, if this is hard for you to think about, consider the fact that the marriage proposal itself was a choice. Will you marry me? Yes, yes, I will. The affair, the pornography, the acting out, whatever it was, those actions have taken choice away from your mate.

The discovery process starts with recognizing that the most important part for the betrayed is knowing what happened and giving them a choice in how to respond. Without it, they are robbed of dignity and respect that everyone should have. Nothing will keep the betrayed mate in a state of feeling crazy, helpless, and stuck more than robbing them of the choice to know what happened.

Notice I did not say the discovery process will necessarily cover the "why." That is an important question for both the wayward and betrayed to ultimately understand. Answers to that question tend to come in layers and over time.

It's important to realize that full disclosure takes longer than we would like. It's not easy. While this isn't justifying infidelity, it's common for couples to initially improve but then find there is more information and take what feels like a step back.

For the wayward, you've been in a pattern of deception, and you're now making the choice to live differently, to become an honest person. The longer that pattern of deception has been going on, the more painful it is to work through. This pattern of deception has served a purpose in many dysfunctional ways.

Let's use the analogy of restoring floors—it's like finding original hardwood floors beneath old, stained carpeting. The carpet has to be ripped up. It's heavy and messy. The tack board and staples have to be pulled out of the floor, and that's very tedious work. You think you are done with that stage of the project until you step on a nail and realize you hadn't gotten them all.

Many times, the shame that accompanies lying and deception can serve as an awful barrier – like that old carpet you've got to get rid of.

I'm here to tell you that hope can be found.

Share and share some more. Get out the ugly stuff so the renovation can begin. It may restart the clock, but it's worth it because the betrayed deserves the choice to know.

One of the most practical and helpful concepts we hope to give you today is to think about choice and the need for empowerment in your relationship.

Wayward, if your betrayed mate is questioning you over and over and asking for information, they are most likely begging for a choice.

Betrayed, if your wayward spouse seems to be struggling with disclosing all of the information, are they at all able to see through the shame or layers of dysfunction and deception? Maybe they aren't there yet. Remember, the restoration process for the wayward doesn't happen quickly either.

Sometimes, all we can see is what's in front of us, and we have no vision for how to change it. But if we change our viewpoint ever so slightly, that can make all the difference. We can go from feeling helpless and frustrated to patiently walking through the process.

While this is generally great advice, what I’ve learned from being in this unfortunate club is that many cheating spouses don’t get it. This is my problem with all infidelity help guides, a lot are based on the assumption that the cheating spouse will actually hear this and change, or at the very least try. More often than not they chose the hard way.

These articles give a false hope. It’s great to help the BS find their voice for their needs, but it’s still too gentle for the one who cheated.

If the cheating one gave a damn about choice they wouldn’t have lied and deceived.

I also really like this information. It helps me because it is true in my situation but it wasn’t like that at first. I thought my H would be the total opposite of this because he was so defensive after dday.

Now we are mostly on this path but I do agree this only is relevant IF the WS takes the steps and many don’t.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 1:29 PM, Thursday, June 6th]

Thanks, Hell and Groot.

I agree that R cannot happen unless the WS makes changes, significant changes. It all comes down to whether or not the one who caused all the damage is willing to repair all that damage.

In my case, my WW was willing to do what I asked, but that was all. It was as if she would take the steps I pointed her to, but no more. As if she was working down a list, checking off items one-by-one. I never thought any of it was from the heart.

I did put her to the test, though. I told her that if she could think of any details of a subject we talked about, that I wanted her to tell me, even if it's a week or more later. It gave her an open door to prove she wasn't hiding anything and that she was willing to open up. It was an opportunity for her to begin rebuilding trust. She wouldn't do it. She would only answer any question or provide information while we were engaged in the initial conversation. In other words, if I didn't ask the right question, I didn't get my answer. And, if she thought of anything later, she wasn't going to open that can of worms again, all to protect herself from embarrassment.

This showed me she still had herself in position #1. In my opinion, a relationship can't work successfully that way.

While this is generally great advice, what I’ve learned from being in this unfortunate club is that many cheating spouses don’t get it. This is my problem with all infidelity help guides, a lot are based on the assumption that the cheating spouse will actually hear this and change, or at the very least try. More often than not they chose the hard way.

Not only do many cheating spouses chose the hard way, but therapists and marriage counselors often support and enable them. "It's not going to help you to know that." "You know what adults do in the bedroom." "You need to just move on." All things that I was told in IC by our shared psychologist.

The lack of recognition in old school therapists that they're dealing with trauma is disappointing. You can't bury trauma. You have to face it. You can't rebuild trust on a foundation of lies and mysteries.