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My H came home tonight and was honest with me on where one of his upcoming jobs would be in a few weeks.
He will be 5 minutes from where his affair took place.

I can’t do this.
He can’t just say "I can’t go there I had an affair in the area."

I am working on this in IC but I can’t avoid this and it will last a week. I don’t want to spiral. Someone give me some advice. Maybe learned in Ic? I immediately feel unsafe and I feel sick. I know it’s unrealistic but I’m so afraid of how bad I will spiral.

Clearly we’re going to advise you to tell him "don’t do it". What is going to keep it from being that simple?

He is starting to lead and supervise of new hires and they give him a route a month or so in advance and he’s only been there since December. How does someone tell their boss I can’t lead this job? My wife doesn’t approve? My He told me 3 weeks in advance and I’m trying to realize I have to learn to cope.

I can’t dictate where his job sends him he installs. :(

He hates it too but doesn’t know how to get out of it.. I have no idea either.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 1:17 AM, Saturday, June 22nd]

No work flexibility at all? Options to trade with another leader?

Is this a one time deal, or if he stays in this role will he reasonably expect to keep getting sent into these zones?

Changing jobs is not an unusual ask for a wayward in R. You have said that you are the primary breadwinner, seems like that wouldn’t be a crazy burdensome ask.

I should have said right away, I’m sorry friend. Your pain makes sense. You will be enough for this.

Ink I know you mean well by now friend.

It’s 2-3 days only. Some days he makes more than me depending if it’s prevailing wage …. I was the breadwinner when he worked with his ap now we are pretty close in pay.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 1:45 AM, Saturday, June 22nd]

I appreciate that grace.

First, your feelings about this matter. And you have choices you can make here.

Would it be a helpful exercise for you to list out the options you can think of right now, just brainstorm this bitch and make the implicit explicit. Show your terrified lizard brain that you have power to choose some things?

I bet you could list a few options. Would you be willing to do that here?

English ink

I’m struggling to regulate what do you mean. Of course I would be.

Sorry.

I’m asking you to slow down and make a list of things you could do here.

I think it would be a good exercise.

If you are deeply disregulated, you’ll need to address that first. So go get wasted…. You know I’m kidding, but do what you need to regulate and then make a list of your options. Take back your power, it will help with the fear and helplessness.

There may not be a perfect option, but you do have choices.

#takeasskicknames

[This message edited by InkHulk at 1:58 AM, Saturday, June 22nd]

Groot - I get where you’re coming from. My WH would stray after work sometimes with the POS married coworker and it was only ever after outside of his regular work hours. Outside of his regular job he has a subcontractor job within the same company that he does with a couple other guys. This subcontractor job for him is mostly seasonal (summerish) - jobs come up in advance or sometimes they don’t even get a days notice. When jobs arise, which is mostly everyday now, it makes me sick and angry because when he tells me he has to "tie cages" after work this is exactly when the "opportunities" (if you will) presented themselves. Every job is different and takes different amounts of time, so last summer when he would text me "on my way home" I’m not sure if it was from work or from one of the side roads he stopped at before coming home.

It sucks so bad. I don’t ever want to hear "I have to tie tonight" ever again as it takes me to a dark place. Honestly, I don’t know if I will ever fully be ok with it … BUT I tell myself it’s his job. I can’t tell him to not do his job or to tell his boss he can’t do his job (even though he’s offered to quit this piece of it because he knows it’s a huge trigger). Logical thinking kicks in though and it’s a lot of money he would be missing out on and financially we need it. He will FaceTime me before he starts and as he’s leaving and on his way home (he also shows me the other guys still there). Most days I don’t answer the call because it makes me angry we have to even be in this situation to begin with - but he does make the effort.

Sorry for my personal ramble. I just want to say that I get you, you are heard. Your H let you know in advance which is such a good thing of him to do 😊 I understand your struggles with this and it’s not just as simple as "just don’t do it," because it’s his job right?!

You said he would be somewhere near the affair, what do you mean? Where AP is located or where they met up?

If it’s where he might run into AP, not much you can do, and really he should figure out what he can do to make you feel safe. Maybe it’s something like he FaceTime calls you and keeps his phone in his pocket. He can keep that out of public eye but still give you reassurance that nothing is going on.

Even if it’s not, maybe he just does that anyway. It can’t be a permanent solution, but for the first few times it could give you the opportunity to make peace. It’s just a place, it could have been anywhere, just happened to be where it is.

You shouldn’t blame yourself for your reaction to the severe trauma the affair has caused you. At a point, yes you will have to dig in and find a way to cope with normal life circumstances that may intertwine with the A, but it’s ok to give yourself grace and patience, you’re not there yet.

Challenge your WH, have him come up with a way he can do this without hurting you more. Tell him that his reassurance isn’t good enough on its own.

I understand the spiral, and I'd be dry-heaving, too. There's a reason why you don't feel safe, and your feelings are valid. I shared with somebody recently that when your fight or flight response kicks in, your body (or lizard brain) doesn't realize the difference between you being in danger due to betrayal trauma or you're being chased down by a lion (or maybe a cougar in this instance?) about to be eaten.

Why can't he go to his boss and say why? There are consequences to having an A. Maybe this needs to be one.

OTOH, is there a way that you could go with him or is it too difficult with your kiddos? Would grandma be willing to take charge for the few days that you'd be away?

The FaceTime and text or call option might be an option, too.

Just spit ballin' some ideas....

I guess you can't go with him...
I would be freaked out too.

He will be 5 minutes from where his affair took place.

What does this mean? 5 minutes from her? Her home? The hotel?

Unfortunately, this is part of the shit sandwich a BS has to choke down, if they want R. There will be situations, beyond our control, and we just have to get through them.

It's said here, that the ap could have been anyone. If that's true, then our ws are surrounded by potential OW at all times. Location doesn't matter.

This isn't your problem. It's his. He needs to figure something out. He needs to come up with ways to help you feel safe.

He did this. He needs to figure it out. You shouldn't have to be twisting yourself up,trying to figure it out. That's his work.

I love all of these answers.

Hellfire / hinhf you’re right. I am going to tell him he has a few weeks to figure out how to make me feel safe and what his plan is. He’s already came

Up with a few such as packing his lunch or only using drive thrus to avoid the chance of ever running into her but to be fair she works at the middle point between us and her so I doubt she will be there during the day but it’s my lizard brain.

He will be 5 minutes from the park they met up and 10 or so minutes from where she lives and 20 minutes from the restaurant they always met at. (He gave me the name of the church he’s working at those days)

I won’t be able to go because I also have a full time job and I don’t think I would want to. I would feel sick the whole time. He admitted to me when he found out where he would be going he felt sick and he told me the same day he found out. He told me that he doesn’t want what he did to ruin so many places and things for us so he wants to overcome and conquer those shitty feelings. I’ve always agreed but when we get close to the area I freak , it’s too soon.

I have counseling on Monday so maybe I need to start my session with emdr around that. Idk.

As far as my H , I am going to challenge him to plan ways to make me feel safe that day, he already had a few good ideas which means he can find more and won’t show him these ideas. Let’s see how much work he does.

Thank you all for the advice , any other times we avoid that area like the plague. He also refuses to eat at the restaurants they met up at (even other locations). He is aware of what bothers me and he’s trying to avoid things at the best of his ability. As far as spilling the beans to his boss, I don’t want more people knowing and I don’t want to ruin his character at a place where he’s doing so well and basically got a $10 raise from his last job. That’s part of his individual growth too is feeling like he is important and financially supportive , he had self worth issues and I won’t add to them for a few day gig. If he was there for months then we would probably have to find a way to say no.

Now, he has turned down out of town work that required hotel stays. He didn’t even ask me, he just used having four kids as a reason he can’t and really that is also a valid reason.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 2:42 PM, Saturday, June 22nd]

The key is realizing you will be OK whether he uses this opportunity to cheat again or not. Safety lies in learning to nurture yourself to make yourself feel safe, trusting yourself rather than other people.

What's behind feeling 'unsafe'? It looks like some sort of fear? Do you fear your H will connect with the ap again? Do you fear - or just want to avoid - your feelings about being betrayed? Rather than staying afraid, why not figure out what your fear is and deal with that directly?

Sisoon. You stole the thoughts out of my brain. I feel like this is what ink was trying to hit at.

Maybe this is going to make me sound stupid maybe it will make me sound cocky, but I am not concerned about him having an affair again especially with his same AP. Honestly, I don’t really fear it at all anymore, he’s made me feel safe enough and he’s shared enough and has done a ton of work to prove he doesn’t want to be that person and if he does this again? Oh his loss, won’t ever be mine.

I think my main issue is the memories and just seeing him in that area on the map makes me wanna vomit. It makes me wonder what he’s thinking as he’s driving past it. It’s making me think of all the times I was so stupid and didn’t know what he was doing. It almost feels like I’m back in that time is that makes sense? When we went to the zoo for my daughters event the entire time I wanted to run because I just didn’t feel safe and not because I thought she would be there but because we were so close to where he betrayed me. I felt stupid I felt sick I felt uneasy. I felt like they were there doing it at that moment under my nose?

I am getting to the point in my life now where I told him that if I thought he was cheating on me, or I had proof that he was cheating on me, there would be no conversation I would just be gone. I would take his four beautiful children and leave.

I wouldn’t keep them from him that isn’t what I mean but we would have split custody and our kids would be affected

Now what lingers is just a feeling of the affair, it’s the worrying about how I’m going to feel seeing him there on the map or knowing that he’s driving past those places where he used to get so much enjoyment he used to call

He would call me when he would go to a city for work that just involved him passing the road on the freeway he saw her on. He and I got anxiety just from that , this is like self torture.

No matter how much he tells me he hates it and doesn’t want to drive past it and avoids it. My brain is still telling me, but he liked it at some point so how do you know he’s not thinking about all the times that he did this? Even in my heart, I know it’s not. Does that make sense?

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 3:08 PM, Saturday, June 22nd]

Does that make sense?

It all makes perfect sense, Groot.

Quick t/j

I’ve noted Sisoon’s silence for a little while, and last night I had a dream about something happening to him. Glad to hear from you again, good sir

End T/j

Locations have some strange power in A world, like maybe the whole ethos of ghost stories come from a betrayed spouse. My work’s summer picnic is held at the same park that my wife’s first physical encounter with POSOM happened. It was in that very place that she fell in lervvvv with him. The picnic was just a month post d-day, and I easily could have dodged it. But I made a point to go. To walk the wooded path they did, to find the parking spot they stained, to confront and excise the ghosts. The universe even did me a solid and let obliterate a coworker in lawn games that had the same first name as POSOM. 🙏🏻

The anxiety, the hyper awareness, it all makes sense. Totally normal.

And I agree that your husband should help in the vigilance, but like HF said, potential OW are literally everywhere. Your husband should take reasonable precautions here, and you get to be the arbiter of what counts as reasonable. But I still think it would be empowering for you to write out the options. Think of the different considerations, like your feelings, money, husband’s provider self image, etc. This is complicated and none of us are going to be able to tell you exactly where you will land. But I believe if you have considered it with a clear mind and know what it is that you want and why, that is the most empowered and least fearful you can be.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 3:38 PM, Saturday, June 22nd]

Thank you ink. As always.

Ive been thinking a lot today. I think im looking for a Time Machine still. Counseling is Monday and I’m struggling with going. My mind is a prison

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 9:31 PM, Saturday, June 22nd]

Grout, congrats on doing so well when your world was turned upside down.

You are not far out from the A, and I totally get the location fear. I had it too.

I think telling your wh to make you feel safe is a great idea. This should be a top priority for him and it does sound like it.

I do want to gently float the idea that you will want to claim your life back 100% soon. You should be able to go to the zoo or anywhere without fear or worry.

I purposely went to places to claim them back and conquer my fear and anxiety. After I did that a few times it got better.

You did nothing wrong, you should hold your head high wherever you are. Always.

Tall girl. Thank you.

How long did it take for you to go to those places?