(All the things I did in the bedroom) why wasn’t I enough!? Why did he go ten pegs down, why did he "pretend"
To care about her if he just wanted to F her and leave. Why did he not think about me and the kids?
Oh, I have been there and done that. After my wife's full disclosure of all the shit she did, I sat in the car in a parking lot and screamed "why, why, why" and she had no answer. For years I had dealt with her sexual inhibitions, lack of interest in sex, and of course, all of the issues that come with having a family, bills, children, pets, etc.
She did things with her affair, partner that she has never done with me, and in one instance she did something I would never do with her, because it was so Irresponsible, and I can guarantee you had they gotten caught I would not have been bailing her out of jail.
Odds are that your wayward spouse doesn't even really know why he did what he did. That it has absolutely nothing to do with you, it has nothing to do with your sexual abilities, willingness, etc. It has nothing to do with your looks, your intelligence, Absolutely nothing to do with you. This is so hard to wrap your mind around, the simple fact that there's absolutely nothing you can do or could have done to stop your spouse from being unfaithful to you.
What I learned in marital counseling, and from reading about other people here, reading their stories, is how similar all of our wayward spouses are. Trying to fill a hole within themselves that just cannot be filled by anybody from the outside, but still trying, doing things that make no sense to any independent observer. In most cases, not really knowing why they are doing it, But thinking that they do. Thinking they are doing it because it was "wild sex", or "my husband doesn't like me" or "I just wanted to have some fun". Every excuse under the sun.
When the real issue is their own self perception and need for external validation because they can't handle "real life".
Real life is standing up to the demands of the day, going to bed, getting up the next day, and doing it all over again. Dedication to your family is about thinking about and prioritizing needs, and trying to make sure that everybody is getting their needs met, not just their "wants". It is about taking what you have, working with it, and trying to make it better.
People who can't handle this try to "escape" into these dysfunctional fantasies that damage all of the things they are supposed to be taking care of.
