SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can't believe I survived this rollercoaster ride and I am not sure if I can still ride on it for the next coming years.

I don't think my WH understands the impact of the betrayal and trauma he puts me in.

He still couldn't handle my triggers most of the days. He is definitely not consistent as well. We are okay if I am okay but I feel like he doesn't care anymore. I really don't know why I am still here trying to fix whatever it is that needs to be fixed.

Just last week, he told me if we are just always like this, arguing etc etc, might as well get a D. I agreed and said sure. Next day, he hugged me and said that he didn't mean it. 🙄 Told him that I dont think I can still do this anymore and just wanted to die and he said I am being selfish, just thinking about myself. He disregard it. He doesnt believe that I have depression, not until I told him I will take antidepressant.

TBH, I don't really understand myself anymore and why I am still trying to hold on. I just couldn't let go. Is there something wrong with me? Am I not allowed to feel whatever I want to feel? Is there something that I am missing here? Am I just like this because its the "antiversay"?

I am going to start my meds this week, maybe, just maybe, it was really me who has a problem that I couldn't move on to this misery. I feel stuck!
I am still lost after a year of all of this shit.

Best revenge? Living my best life? How to even start with that when all you can think of was all the mind movies, triggers given to you?

IC, journaling, praying, meditate, walking?! Name it. Doesn't seem to work. It helps a bit but it doesn't really work. Most of the days I just want to die.

I'm sorry for the typo/grammar error. I am not really good expressing my feeling thru words.

Sorry that you're still in so much pain. It wasn't until about 3 years post dday1 that I thought I'd be ok.

For people who stay with their abuser, it takes longer to heal.

Think about it this way.... Your WH beat the crap out of you and you decide to stay (think Rhianna and Chris Brown), how long do you think you would stay in that relationship?

Has he read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair? What work has he done to be a safe partner?

I know it's tough. It took me 18 months for my heart to catch up with my head and realize he'd never be a safe partner.

Thank you leafields.

"Has he read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair? What work has he done to be a safe partner?"

- Yes, he did. The audiobook though.
He does everything I asked for.
Changed his #, deleted the app where he used to talk with his AP, traded-in the car, tracker. Sometimes he tries to be physical and emotionally intimate but I always turn him down or I will bring up or questioned him about his A (like did you this to your AP?! Or dont do that to me because I know you did that to your AP etc etc). Then, he will get upset because of that because I keep bringing the past. He is trying but I think it was me. I feel disgusted. It's annoying.

I really wanted to see past and beyond his bad choices because I know he is not a "bad person" but it is so difficult given the trauma and situation he put us in.

The hardest for me to do one year out was to let myself feel the good moments.

It’s as if I was pushing myself to feel the hurts more than the good moments and had to work thru it myself.

It took a full three years, for me to accept my hurts and my good moments.

It took another two years to let go of my hurts. Though they are there. In my mind. And I can now say that they surface when I’m not in the best of moods for whatever reasons.

I’d like to encourage you every day to find something good, soothing and calm in your life. It can be anything. And maybe you are already doing that.

I’m sending you courage, perseverance and kindness.

I was a mess around the 1 year antiversary. Not only was I reliving dday, but I was also looking back over the year and what had (or hadn't) changed with my WS. I don't know of anyone who gets through the antiversary period - especially the first one - without being a mess. Your WS needs to understand and expect that you will be unhappy around this time. You might even need to be away from him. He will probably want the opposite - to cling harder - but the fact that he is throwing out the D word means he hasn't made himself safe with you. Naturally this will make you even more anxious.

Is there something you can do on your own to give yourself some peace? Maybe spend the antiversary with a friend? As for the coming years, if you can't do it, that's okay. There's no requirement when it comes to staying after infidelity, even if you have agreed to try R. Sometimes it takes a while before you are calm enough and detached enough to see that R isn't going to work for you. That's ok - you are doing the best you can.

TBH, I don't really understand myself anymore and why I am still trying to hold on. I just couldn't let go. Is there something wrong with me? Am I not allowed to feel whatever I want to feel? Is there something that I am missing here? Am I just like this because its the "antiversay"?

Could be. I was a wreck in the runup to the 1st antiversary. That went on for 3 years for me, too, but I felt less bad in years 2 & 3. The rule of thumb here is 2-5 years to recover. The people I know who R'ed took longer to recover and R, which makes sense to me b/c 2 processes can easily take more time than 1.

I felt great relief on the 1st antiversary itself, even though the runup was awful. Wait to find out how the day actually affects you, and let us know.

Told him that I dont think I can still do this anymore and just wanted to die and he said I am being selfish, just thinking about myself. He disregard it. He doesnt believe that I have depression, not until I told him I will take antidepressant.

That concerns me a lot.

First, wanting to die - is that an exaggeration? If not, give yourself more time. You're a valuable human being. You can get a lot out of life even after being betrayed. It may be hard to grasp, but even people who don't know much about you - your fellow SIers - care about you. Those of us who have healed know there's a good life available to you. Give yourself time.

I don't like your H's demand that you drug yourself, but it might be for the best, especially if ADs will stop you from wanting to die. Do you know if he wants you to take ADs to make his life better or yours? If he wants it for your benefit, that's one thing. If it's for his benefit, it's another.

I think, in a lot of situations like this, if you dig deep enough, you’re going to find, below all that sadness, an enormous amount of rage. After all, he got away with it. No one beat him up. No one put him in jail. He’s still has you regardless of how much pain you’re in so he’s really not paid the price for the damage he has done. This is where the rubber meets the road. You’re going to have to accept the fact that he did it because you don’t get do-overs. You’re going have to face the fact that the person you put your trust in is not trustworthy. It comes to all of us, in one way or the other, that the person we are married to, or live with, has feet of clay. Sometimes it’s just too bad and we can’t hang on and move on. Others, like me, did a wonderful job of rug sweeping because we were both so young, and now he is the person he wanted to be. So I am glad I hung on.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:27 PM, Thursday, July 4th]

Notaboringwife:

"I’d like to encourage you every day to find something good, soothing and calm in your life. It can be anything. And maybe you are already doing that.

I’m sending you courage, perseverance and kindness."

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I really appreaciate it. I will and still trying my best to survive this. I couldn't wait until the day I will have my usual self back.

NoThanksforthememories:

"Is there something you can do on your own to give yourself some peace? Maybe spend the antiversary with a friend? As for the coming years, if you can't do it, That's ok - you are doing the best you can."

- Actually, believe it or not, I find peace when I am at work. The only best thing I had this 2024 so far was I got my dream job. It sucks because I couldn't get myself to enjoy it as much as I can. But atleast it gives me peace -- Away from the chaos at home. Away from my WH and have a break with my children (I love them but I feel so guilty when I am not 100% focus on them that I tend to get irritated easily.).

Sisoon:

"I felt great relief on the 1st antiversary itself, even though the runup was awful. Wait to find out how the day actually affects you, and let us know."

- Will definitely do and thats actually tomorrow. Goodluck to me.

"First, wanting to die - is that an exaggeration? "

- No, it is not. I am not exaggerating at all. I am kind of suicidal. Not active but I am thinking about it lately. I always look my children whenever I am feeling it as it helps a little bit.

"I don't like your H's demand that you drug yourself, but it might be for the best, especially if ADs will stop you from wanting to die. Do you know if he wants you to take ADs to make his life better or yours? If he wants it for your benefit, that's one thing. If it's for his benefit, it's another."

- Sorry for the confusion. I just want to clarify that I am the want to wanted to take AD. My WH doesn't want me to take it at all. He said I can do it w/o it and there is no need for that but I insisted and told him I needed it to see if it will help me. I feel like my energy/aura is full of negativity.

Cooley2Here:

That is so true! He got away with it. I want him to suffer, they way I am suffering. This is me with so my negativity.

I thought about rug sweeping too. I feel like I am going towards to the path. I just want to drop everything and move on, like nothing happened. I feel like thats the easiest route. BUT ----- I couldnt do it anymore. I couldn't undo the things I know.

UPDATE:

Had my 1st antiversary few days ago.
Cried, had an anxiety & panic attack. It was a mess! I was a mess!
Just had a flashback of everything I know about the A! Flashback of what happened of the day I found out. That soul-crushing/destroying feeling! Ugh!

Just writing this makes me cry again. Anyway, thats how it went sisoon.

So sorry, Kibu. There are certain things that may be considered a sentinel event on a mental health level. One is losing a spouse or a child, and another is infidelity. It may impact your function in July for the rest of your life.

At work one night, a coworker who was married to somebody who worked with my mom (a waitress, so she had waited on me and was somebody I knew), came screeching in with her car and then took off. It was the 20th anniversary of her son's death in an drunk under the influence (DUI) accident. After 20 years, she still hadn't addressed the issues surrounding her son's death.

Please be sure to take care of you so that 20 years later you aren't still having problems for the same issue.

I'm sorry the day was so difficult. (((KiboGaAru))) - a hug, if you want one.