This sets up a common dynamic, do you tell him what you want him to do or sit back and hope he figures it out?
I don't tell him what to do. I will tell him if I'm unhappy about something that I want done differently. I've always communicated openly with him, and prior to the affair years, I thought we had really good communication as couples go. I'm probably on the autism spectrum (old enough that it's not worth getting diagnosed), so I tend to prefer straightforward talk to "mind reading" or "he should know what I'm feeling." If anything, he is the other way - he expects me to "understand him" without telling me what he is feeling.
In this case, I'm reluctant to request a change when everyone else (WS, SIL, and our kid) seem very excited to have him officiate. That's going to make me the bad guy/fun police, and I'm sick of playing that role. Honestly, I think I'm better off finding a way to skip the wedding. My nascent plan right now is to use my health problems as a reason (and it's a very legitimate reason anyway). I'm thinking I'll rest during the wedding and attend the reception for a couple hours. That way I still satisfy my obligation to show up, and I can miss the part that will be hardest for me (the ceremony). I will be honest with WS about my reasons if he asks. I've never lied to him about anything, and I won't start now.
I really don't have the energy to work on R anymore. It's been 20 months since dday1, lots of therapy (MC+IC for each of us), and if he is still this oblivious (on top of all our other problems), it's not worth the drama to object to him being the officiant.
Thank you to all of you for the support and validation about skipping the wedding. I think that's my best course of action.
