Not entirely sure the reason for this post. I've been reading these forums a lot lately, and I guess I just feel like writing to human beings today and not my journal....
You can see my full story by looking at my other posts, but the TLDR is that last year I found out that my wife has been nurturing an inappropriate friendship/affair for the past 9-10 years. The OM lived on another continent for most of it. They periodically would send pictures to each other, talking about banging each other, their relationships at home etc. I knew he existed as a friend in her life, but had no clue the extent of it. I also recently discovered that when he was here visiting with his wife, they snuck out for a secret coffee date that i didn't know about. My infant son attended that date, so chances are it was above board, but also WTF!?
Since D Day, i've discovered a pattern in my wife's relationships with other men, which is that she has huge issues with boundaries and validation. Shocker, I know. Exhibit A, is the emotional affair she had with another dude before we were married. This one wasn't sexual, but it was intensely emotional and secretive. Again, I knew this guy was a friend but had no idea the extent of it. Exhibit B is an old ex-boyfriend from high school of which she was apparently hung up on for decades. He came out of the blue on social media the month before our wedding and sent her into a tailspin, that eventually ended in a phone call where they 'reconciled' the unresolved issues of their relationship 15 years prior. She also had this guy (along with other friends) over to her parents house when he was in town visiting a couple years after our wedding. All of which I didn't know.
We are a year down the reconciliation path, and i'm in a much better place than I was. I don't spiral down the toilet of misery like I used to. I've stopped searching for evidence like my life depends on it. I'm beginning to accept that vast swaths of my life are not what I thought they were, and being at peace with that. I'm feeling more centered and confident with who I am and what I want (not always, but more than I used to).
For her part, she is trying. She checks in with me frequently and is always open to talk, and is never defensive. She doesn't do as much "work" (i.e., reading Not Just Friends, therapy, answering outstanding timeline questions) as i'd like, but our life is quite busy/stressful, so I cut her slack and try to focus on the work she has done.
There are still hurdles for me. I have a hard time being affectionate towards my wife. It feels like if I do I will be betraying myself and giving her what she wants (i.e., her cake). I'm still predominately alone with my thoughts. I've told one friend, and none of our family. We had our anniversary the other week, and her family made a point of sending messages of congratulations and pictures/videos of our wedding. I cried alone in my basement, and wanted to punch a hole through the wall. I wonder what they would say if they knew that less than a year after that (very) fun day, she was sending nudes to a scumbag two weeks before HIS wedding?
I've read so many stories on here, and it makes me want to reach out and hug you all. What a shitty thing it is to live this reality. But there is also tremendous courage and strength in your stories, which is really what it's all about, isnt it? I see that strength and courage revealing opportunities in the misery - opportunity to grow, opportunity to become a better person, and opportunities to start over and find happiness. This is the first major shitstorm life has thrown my way, and its forced me to learn and grow in ways that were long delayed. Something to be grateful for I guess. Anyways, thanks for reading, I wish you all the best.
[This message edited by longdistanceAP at 9:03 PM, Thursday, July 4th]
