SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hellfire has a point. I do get friend requests from these random men, they always have "widowed" in their profile with a bunch of pics making them seem important or like they have a luxury life. They usually are following hundreds of women/have hundred of wrong following them. It’s very suspicious that he is only following your wife.

Yes! Always a widow. Always a very good looking man in his profile and cover photos. Always has a very high earning job.

Never a farmer,who only follows farming groups..and one woman.

I also agree with HF, this being just some rando incel just doesn’t jive with what you’ve shared with us.

I will say that my wife had that same "I’m going to help" attitude. I remember her telling me that she told herself she was going to try to strengthen POSOM’s faith and help his marriage. Go from that to bent over his kitchen table . For what I described as naiveté in my wife, this was it. This sort of ok impulse with complete lack of appropriate end points to it. Like sure, give the guy on the street corner a couple bucks for the bus. Don’t give him your number and end up pleasuring him because he’s lonely and tells you you are pretty. It’s a complete lack of loyalty enacted in the name of niceness. This is an enormous character issue and one I think they don’t see because they see it as a virtue. When you expect your rightful loyalty they see you as controlling and jealous over their "innocent" niceness, which just so happens to pay off in kibbles.

You are going on two years and she is pulling this shit and is still DARVO’ing you. This is really bad, man.

Don’t give him your number and end up pleasuring him because he’s lonely and tells you you are pretty.

So this need to help has a term- it’s called KISA (knight in shining armor)

I just want to correct this slightly what ink is saying. My husband has major KISA issues. But they re not altruistic, it’s a way of justifying shitty behavior by calling it helping the other person.

It’s kind of a way of feeling superior. "They need me" "Their spouse doesn’t understand them like I do"

Most of the time this isn’t "I am going to help you, give you my number and then somehow end up pleasuring you." It’s actually predatory behavior to get validation from this person by saving the day. This feeling of power is part of the false security of affairs, and often they wanted to be in that position in the first place because the whole idea is to have this other person think you are great. This was always charged with needing kibbles and the high is contributing to the arousal. It’s a false sense of emotional connection.

So it’s not like these people with this issue gets themselves innocently mixed up. They start the whole thing to get validation, and the secrecy/forbidden/lack of actual security leads to the highs that escalate into sex.

I just wants to clarify that because it’s not like "let me help you, oh oppsie now we are fucking" it’s more like "this is how I ingratiate myself so I can get what I want" which is ultimately validation and escapism.

My husband did this even when we were dating. He once planned a date to an optometrist where he paid for the appointment and got me glasses. This was when I was young and money was scarce. He actually got fully um, aroused when he was helping me pick the frames. I thought oh he is so giving! Nope, he was bolstered by his ability to "help" me. He liked feeling like the big man. When the affair happened, he chose someone who was far more disadvantaged in her lifestyle. So he got to be big man with her too.

I just wouldn’t buy into this is altruism- this is someone who is using that facade to signal what a good person they are. This is selfish behavior not selfless behavior.

I just want to correct this slightly what ink is saying.

I’ll allow it

An excellent correction, I found that helpful and on point. And I maintain that it’s an insidious character defect because it masquerades as virtue.

Honestly, that may be a defining trait of character defects, but that is a discussion for another day.

If she thinks this is a wonderful part of her personality at this point in the game, it seems pretty hopeless, man.

And I maintain that it’s an insidious character defect because it masquerades as virtue.

Yep that’s exactly it- it’s virtue signaling. And manipulative. They do tend to even believe it themselves. This was one of the major things that I wanted him to address in his whys.

Your wife might very well know who this guy is but I wanted to say that I have received friend requests from men who have little to nothing on their profile and no other friends. I assume it's BOTS or some catfish scheme. Or some married dude who created a fake profile to hit on me.

Later, after the A went full on physical, she sent me a message basically calling me an uncaring ass and how she really wasn’t looking forward to me coming home after being gone for over 9 months. Cool. I was scrambling to figure out what the actual hell was going on, still clueless about the A. On my way home my flight got delayed, and she had sex with AP less then 24 hours before I came home.

Absolutely one of the most heartbreaking passages I’ve ever read on my many years on SI.

My question is sincere - why isn’t she moving heaven and earth to honor your boundaries? Why is DARVO her tool when her only objective should be to make you feel safe?

Every one of her decisions should pass through a filter of "will this be protect my marriage and strengthen my family?" Why isn’t she doing this?

I see no reciprocity here.

You deserve buckets and buckets of effort. Good God, you are worthy of a partner who puts you first. When are you going to see the effort you deserve?

I confronted her, and asked her to not get mad or defensive. Well that lasted all of 5 minutes. First thing she throws at me "you’re never going to trust me again are you?" Then it turns into if this was bothering you so much why not be a grown up and just tell me.
And I asked why didn’t you just tell me first? Wrong question. Has gone from what could have been a civil conversation and maybe even a build in our relationship to this is all my fault, it’s absolutely ridiculous of me to even suspect her now, I am never going to let it go and punish her for the rest of her life.
Plus just non stop bullying.

I hope you realise that his is textbook DARVO tactics, right?

I take back my previous comment that she might not have any critical thinking abilities. She seems to be able to think, but she does not factor you into her thinking.

Rocket,

Yeah, I am starting to realize DARVO is pretty normal experience for me. Really nothing to do about it, just going to do my thing.

We are in separate rooms for the foreseeable future, I think maybe to punish me or something, but I’m more than happy to be.

And I agree, her thinking doesn’t have anything to do with me. She is very intelligent and actually critical thinking is very much her strength, but i think selfishness is her primary attribute and that’s her motivation

[This message edited by HellIsNotHalfFull at 4:30 AM, Wednesday, July 10th]

When I read this story originally, I thought about how we all don't know what this WW is thinking. That leaves us to speculate. If this Social Media action isn't just a hard NO boundary, I think it's normal to try to evaluate how the wayward thinks. Honestly, I think we all can go there with HellIsNotHalfFull and understand even if it's not our personal boundary.

While it was occurring, this story reminded me of being a child, around 9-13 years old, and my mother giving me a correction or discipline in my actions. If I didn't agree with her, I would comply because I was forced to comply. I would also try to push against it. I don't know why. There were no additional consequences usually - no yelling or additional punishment. But my mother would enforce her values and will. So I guess I knew that and could push and see if she was serious. Or maybe I just didn't agree and was expressing that. For me, it's true of this WW and Inkhulk's WW with the mechanic. If they understood and agreed, acting accordingly would be obvious and easy.

That's not to downplay the seriousness and equate these persons as being child-like or not able of critical thought or forethought. Maybe the actions of an addict in denial is more apt. I recently read a post on another site where a young woman in her 20s was an addict in recovery from heroin and opioids. She stated that her parents had spent much money and effort to put her through rehab. She was now clean. She wanted to start smoking marijuana and get high occasionally because she thought it wouldn't be the same as her drug use. She wanted to know what everyone thought. She also stated that she had a 13 month old daughter. That's a bit tragic in my view.

It was clear that she knew what her parents and sobriety counselors would say and think. She mentioned her daughter also, so she brought that into the equation in her head. She would clearly understand what she was risking and choosing. The top comment and topic was Why? Why would she risk that? Yet she would. To the rest of us, it seems abnormal or that she's not thinking clearly. But she is in her own mind.

It's the same with infidelity. I have read on cheating spouse sites where those partners have said they will simply not live without that spark from meeting new sex or romantic partners even if it destroys their marriage. It's simply a choice. That's only certain people though.

I honestly don't think it's always the same outcome. Some people chose a different path. Some just don't. And some eventually come around at a later time. I'm so sorry HellIsNotHalfFull.

Simple. Your wife wanted to behave badly because she did. She did it because she wanted to. It is a simple answer to a simple question. "I told you not to eat that cookie. Why did you?" Three yr old says, "Because I wanted to." Your wife never moved past that. She does what she does because she wants to and she figured out yrs ago how to maneuver you emotionally until up is down and YOU WILL NEVER WIN. That is why so many bs start to feel crazy. Nothing changes except the sheets on the bed.

Cooley's example of the 3 year old is spot on. Look up the theory of moral development by Kohlberg. There are 6 stages, and very few people reach the 6th stage of pure altruism. But a LOT of people are down there with the kids. Maybe we thought their childlike qualities were endearing at some stage in the dating game. But it goes down to the bone.

Ugh. Gently.Your wife has shown you who she is. You can't fix her, you can't make her tell the truth, you can't make her be a faithful partner.

Sorry, the ball is in your court now, share your wife with others or end it.

Sometimes the D process is enough to snap a cheater out of it, but if I were in you situation I dont know if I could accept that