SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After searching high and low for a therapist trained in betrayal trauma / infidelity I found one that comes highly recommended. I’ve only attended 2 sessions, but I don’t know if I’m "feeling it" with her. I found her to be very "therapisty" "how do you feel about that" … "how does that make you feel" - seriously, typical counselling "talk" like straight outta a movie. Maybe this is normal, I’m not sure (I don’t have much to compare too).

My first ever therapy was MC and I could "feel"it instantly that she was going to be a good fit. Shes absolutely phenomenal and couldn’t imagine having anyone else guide me through the "marriage" piece of my healing. She’s never once displayed those stereotypical therapist vibes, which makes me feel more humane and that my feelings are heard and validated.

Now I’m not sure if the reason I’m not feeling it with my IC is because I’ve been comparing her to my MC (I’m trying really hard not too) or maybe because I need to attend a few more sessions before I make a decision. It’s hard because each session is $220, I’m a SAHM and benefits have run out for therapy this year. I’m typically aiming for 1 session a month, but know it’s probably more beneficial to do 2-3 sessions per month (again, it’s a money thing).

Any advice? Should I continue to pour money into my current IC a few more times or should I try someone else in the meantime and continue to shop around for a new IC?

Personally I’d say don’t waste your money if you’re not feeling it. You want someone who is going to offer support, encouragement even guidance. Maybe find someone who offers a different approach.

I know I’ve wasted a lot of time ‘waiting to see’ how it goes when I knew straight away it wasn’t for me. First one was an online person who seemed to be blaming me for my bfs affair but I kept seeing her for like 8 weeks waiting to see if i would get anything from her. Money wasted there as I didn’t benefit at all from being told I was at fault people make mistakes just move on with him.

The other one I didn’t like for the exact reason you’ve said about how does this make you feel etc….obviously we feel shit. I saw this person only 3 times and it was clear she couldn’t remember details of my situation each time I went and I felt like she didn’t really care. I stopped going to her after that rather than waiting to see.

I’m now on my 3rd therapist and she is exactly what I need. I researched different therapy styles and she does a blend of psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, mediation and counselling which makes the sessions varied and makes me feel human and validated.

It’s definitely true what they say that you have to find a therapist that works for you. Maybe see if your MC will do individual sessions for just yourself if you like their style. I hope you find someone that works better for you in your healing journey xx

After D-Day, I tried a therapist as well as a MD, didn't like either of them.

Then found a great therapist, and shortly after my WH job was transferred out of state.

We moved, tried a third therapist, wasn't feeling it, gave up.

You need to feel extremely comfortable or it's a waste of $$ IMO.

Maybe you're not feeling it because the IC isn't helping. Maybe you're not feeling it because the IC is getting too close to an issue your are not willing but need to address at this point.

How can you tell the difference?

What I learned to do is to go into each therapy with an idea of what I wanted to change about myself. If an IC says they're able and willing to help, I'll start working with them while keeping an eye on whether or not I'm getting to where/who/how I want to be. If not, we talk about it.

I think $220 is a whole lot of money, but I think it might be very worthwhile for your to tell your IC you're not feeling 'it'. You may be able to solve a problem. You might get a lot by standing up for yourself in the face of a seemingly all powerful therapist. You might get onto the same wavelength and really get your money's worth.

Or move here where good therapists cost a lot less.

Best of luck.