SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:10 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

I got pretty personal but not enough to write a porn script from. I found the intense need to know faded with time for me. I recommend writing down all the questions that come to your head and sitting on them for a time and see if you still feel the need to know after a few days. If it keeps coming up, then you have your answer, so ask away. But the traumatized mind is sending so many "DANGER" signals that I do believe that we can do harm, ring the bell, hear things we maybe never wanted to hear and can’t undo. I think it’s ok to take some time and be deliberate about what you ask and let time and your mind/gut answer this question for you.

Good advice from Ink.

Most people say they want to know everything. And some folks do just that and seem to handle it and/or heal from knowing alllll the details.

Others find out that the details plague them and they can't get past it.

You have to do what works for you. But like Ink said, some of these persistent unwanted thoughts are your trauma talking and might not serve you best in the end.

Or, those questions are better left until you feel more stable and can manage the feelings that will come along.

I was lucky in that I wasn't plagued by the sexual details. His affair was long enough that I assumed anything and everything was on the menu and ordered. I didn't need him to draw me a picture. For me, he had sex with another woman. How he did it, what position it was or what the weather was like that day didn't really make much difference to me.

But again, you do what you need to do. I like the idea of writing them down and taking your time.

Questions you should ask yourself are:

Why am I asking this question?
What is the potential benefit vs the potential harm of knowing this information?
Do I expect her answer honestly and completely?

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:10 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

I think BTB’s questions are good. But even if the benefit of asking is to get an answer that will allow your brain to stop ruminating, that is valuable. If you have things written down for an extended period of time and you still want to know, then I say ask. But prepare for it to hurt.

I asked a lot of questions. Sometimes the answers satisfied me. Sometimes the answers caused me to have more questions.

Sometimes the answers left me feeling like I didn’t have the truth. In my case, it led to yet another DDay a few weeks ago.

If your WS is a trickle-truther, the questions are like a pry bar I guess.

I’m exhausted from it all.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:10 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

I struggled with this too.

I asked a few questions I knew I had to know.

1. Did he go down on her (he didn’t so this with anyone other than me) so as stupid as it sounds it would have been a deal breaker.
2. Did he think he bonded with her more emotionally through sex than me.
3. Places they had sex
4. What places did he pay for that they had sex at
5. Did he ever make love to her vs just F her.
6. Did she get on top (that was the only position question I had) I asked this bc this is my favorite and he couldn’t finish with me bc he had to dominate
7. How many times (estimate)
8. Did she dress up for him (I like to so this)
9. How did he finish

Other than that I don’t give a shit to know anything else about her.
He answered all of them.

Sorry for the TMI.

I will say that even though some questions hurt that he answered I don’t bring them back up again and they do not bother me during sex with him and they haven’t. Maybe I’m cocky but I know what I bring to the bedroom and I know she isn’t shit. 💩
I would rather ask them stew on them every single day.

My reasons for asking was so they had no little dirty secrets. I wanted her and his nasty asses exposed anddddddd he literally died each time he has to answer and he deserved all of that too.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:10 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

When to stop asking questions?

I stopped asking her questions when her nose began to resemble Pinocchio. Did I want to know every sexual act and position WW did with her AP? No, we are all aware what adults do when having sex. The adulterous sex is not the real issue. It's the lying, gaslighting, and lack of respect.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:11 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

I didn’t really want too much detail. I mean I wondered but I was afraid to hear the details. She did describe in rather great detail just how good he was with two of his fingers. So good she said the two of them would joke about how he should teach a class on it. Not a moment I’m happy to reflect on. Oh and my penis works better than his. Yippee! Still more wonderful shit I’d rather not have heard.

Best to write out the questions you may have, then give it time and reflect on what the answers may be to decide if you still want to hear the answers. Once you hear the answers, you can’t unhear them.

I feel strongly that you need to know what you need to know. I don’t believe in the once you ask you can never unlearn so don’t ask mentality. If you need to know you ask. Yeah it will hurt, but doesn’t change the reality. They did freaky s and m crap that you never did, then they had better tell me. If it’s too much, then yeah it is and it’s better to know than have that nawing feeling at the back. Ignorance is not bliss with affairs. They still did it, and if the act is a deal breaker then rip the bandaid off and get it out. I’m not saying that you personally should get everything, I am just saying get as much as you need and let the chips fall where they may. Don’t let the fear of it being too much stop you from getting the answers you need, to me that is a form of rugsweeping.

I asked for everything, every stupid gross detail, to include did she say I love you during and after. Yeah didn’t really like the answer, but she still did it.

I won’t lie and say it was easy. It took me about 9 months to get over it and for the mind movies to stop, but I also know that they were not going to unless I had all of the information I needed.

What that is, completely up to you.

I feel strongly that you need to know what you need to know.

That's a very good point however for me I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't believe her anyway due to her lying to my face for over a year. Many years later I opted for a polygraph test which she passed but it didn't cover the "what type of sex did you have?" questions which I wasn't interested in knowing about anyway.

To be sure there are those who need to know every minute detail but I'm one of those who wouldn't have been able to handle that information without totally blowing my fuse. All the best to all here who are struggling with the aftermath of infidelity. This the place to be to get help.

My reasons for asking was so they had no little dirty secrets.

^^^
As per groot1988.

I kept asking questions till I finally got the truth, but there had been so many lies that in some cases my wife no longer remembered what the truth was.

I got answers to the following:
-all the places.
-what specific sex acts.
-who initiated.
-who did what.
-where were our kids when it was happening.
-how many times.
-what did they do afterward.
-how much time was generally spent together.
-what else did they do together.
-all the places that they went together.
-what money was spent.

I never received answers to all of my questions, though. My wife simply could not remember what was said with only a very few exceptions.

None of it was good.

None of it was something she wanted to disclose.

But the options were to continue to live our lives together with lies and secrets, disclose and decide how to handle the fallout, or divorce.

I asked every question I thought of because I wanted to surface the worst info there was. If there was a deal killer in the mix, I wanted to know about it as soon as possible.

I asked the questions that scared me. It was not easy to get myself to ask those questions, but I thought I needed to ask when the potential answers scared me. I did not want to put months into R only to find out I would not accept something I should have asked about.

Courage helps heal. Asking questions requires courage, and the act of asking expresses and increases courage.

Q & A tests the WS. A lot of questions help the BS calibrate to the WS's honesty. Every honest answers builds healthy bonds (ever so slowly). Every dishonest answer shows the BS that the WS is not a good candidate for R.