SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've posted that I've filed for D and we're now in the process. We've told the kids. My STBXH asked me, "Is this what you want?" It's not what I wanted. I didn't want a broken home and failed marriage. But, he refused to do the hard work. He stayed in touch with the AP -- I caught him texting her (likely for the 3 months we were trying to reconcile) and even telling her he loved her! He wouldn't share his location, give me his passcode to his phone, get into IC. He said he'd go to MC to work on communication going forward and then cut off all contact with her. But, I just couldn't believe it. So, I filed...even though I'm not sure in my heart of hearts I wanted to. I truly felt backed into a corner.

Now, I'm plagued with thoughts of maybe it could still be repaired. Did I file too soon? Did I not give him enough time to wake up from this crazed state of infatuation he's in? I'm just struggling with two compelling desires here -- on one hand, the desire to save my marriage and family, and the other, the desire to be free of his lies and the worry that he'll continue lying.

Maybe I'm just getting nostalgic for the good times we had in the past. I'm also overwhelmed at life ahead...raising three kids on my own, being alone, being stigmatized. Ugh, it's such a roller coaster.

Anyone else feel like they were the ones forced to file D, even though it's not what you really wanted? Maybe with time the realization comes that it was for the best, after all?

My mom did not want to file for D. She did everything she could think of, but he just wouldn't stop with the lies and cheating, even though his mouth said he would, his actions showed he wouldn't. She was scared, wondered how she would raise two kids on her own, it was much more stigmatizing back then. But he just got worse, so she did it.

It was rough at first, but things got better, we were so much happier. She was happier. She met a wonderful man, and has been married to him for over thirty years. He treats her so well, he is loyal and kind, funny and sweet and treats us like we are his kids. (He's so much better than my real dad)

Not that you have to look to meet anyone, but life is better on the other side if the WS refuses to do the work. If he won't do everything, and I mean move heaven and earth to try and repair what he broke, he will just continue, or start again later.

It's hard and scary, but it's the right thing to do for you and your kids.

You're still really early in the process, so it may be that your heart hasn't caught up with your brain.

I feel that my XWH wanted me to file for D so that he could say that I was the one who filed for D and be the bad guy.

He wasn't doing the work to be a safe partner.

You know what? My relationship with my kids is better now and they have less stress because they don't have to deal with their dad. (They're adults.)

It's ok to feel what you're feeling. He can always do the work and you can R after the D is final, or you can realize he isn't the partner you need and move on. Life isn't easy out fair

I'm just struggling with two compelling desires here -- on one hand, the desire to save my marriage and family, and the other, the desire to be free of his lies and the worry that he'll continue lying.

It telling that you never mentioned your WH in your first choice. You mentioned your marriage and family, but not your H specifically. This suggests that you are torn between the idea of a marriage and your sanity.

I've been S and D for 6 years now and I'm not going to lie. It can be rough at times. Coming from a very difficult childhood, I was determined to do it right. So the thought of a broken family was difficult for me. What was worse was the utter hell I was enduring being forced to live with my betrayer. My heart would break again every morning. The despair was physical and palpable. I swear I could reach out and touch it.

When I finally moved into a tiny 2 bedroom apartment with my two girls, I bought a mug the had PEACE written on it. It was the first time I had peace in my life. I felt safe. It was still tough, and I had many nights where I would hold it together until the kids went to bed, only to collapse in my grief afterwards. But it got better.

Now, I have my very own home again, and my adult kids have chosen to live with me full-time. It feels like a family again.

Looking back,I would be better off financially had I stayed, but worse off by ever other metric. My EXWW was and is incapable of love and empathy as I posted on another thread. Had I chosen to stay, I would have suffered a slow death of the soul.

Right now, im sitting on my balcony among my plants and drinking a coffee. It is a sanctuary of sorts. And although I am alone, I am at peace. Sometimes when I get feelings of loneliness, I like to look back on the moments of utter despair I suffered after Dday. It helps put things into perspective.

Hope some of what I wrote helps.

Nobody files for divorce in the wake of infidelity "too soon." Almost everyone wasted months and years of their life with an unremorseful spouse or in false reconciliation before they finally got fed up and filed.

I still loved my spouse and wanted to remain married at the time that I filed. But he was still cheating on me and wouldn't break up with or go not contact with the OW, so what choice did I have?

He said he'd go to MC to work on communication going forward and then [emphasis mine] cut off all contact with her.

So basically, he wants to keep OW while you go to MC "work on communication." You don't have a communication problem. You have a husband-won't-dump-his-girlfriend problem.

FUCK THAT.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:06 PM, Friday, July 19th]

We have a saying around here that you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. You have to mean business when you say that you won't tolerate infidelity, and you put your money where your mouth is, unlike him. You gave him a chance to make it right, and he failed.

What did he do when you filed? Did he run to her?

"I feel that my XWH wanted me to file for D so that he could say that I was the one who filed for D and be the bad guy."

There is a country cheating song about making the "good girl" the "bad guy", so this must be a real thing….I know exwh blamed me for the divorce and for "every cat up a tree" (a line from a Buzz Lightyear movie but still very descriptive of what I experienced). Blame shifting is a very powerful tactic.

Regarding what Leafields wrote quoted above, I often read things in here and wonder if many of us were secretly married to the same person. Of course I am not literally serious, but many of the betrayed spouses share such similar stories. Many of the behaviors exhibited by cheaters are unfortunately very similar. One of them is the lengths they will go to to victim blame. Cheat and make it look like the dissolution of the marriage was "your fault".

In my own marriage, I believe I waited much too long to file. I had many reasons. One was that I desperately wanted exwh to be the person I thought he was (married and faithful). The problem was that he wasn’t this person so I could not continue the relationship.

However, my filing for divorce did not need to be a one way street. If he had worked hard on himself and become a safe partner, the divorce could have been reversed.

I am very sorry you are going through this. I hope you can find inner strength and peace during this difficult time.

You all are right. When I filed, I think it emboldened him to really ramp up the relationship with the AP. My poor DD was over at his house and saw a message (presumably from AP) that said, "I love you." It just disgusts me. Confirmation that I absolutely made the right decision in filing for D, but doesn't make it any easier.

Now, we're starting to talk splitting assets (he's getting greedy, trying to take more than his fair share of what I've worked for 2 decades to build for our family).

It just seems like insult upon injury upon insult upon injury...

Just because he wants things, doesn't mean he's going to get them. Make sure you get a shark of a lawyer.

It's not the end of the world. I waited too long to file for D. I filed. We divorced. And after 3-4 years of IC on his part now we date.

Why did I wait too long? IMO because he refused to cut off contact with her (okay he didn't refuse - he just said he did but did not - replete with I love yous and all the crap you are dealing with now). My filing really rang the bell in his head that I was not going to tolerate that anymore. That if he wanted to be in love with someone else he was free to do so, I just was not going to be one of the women who loved him. Honestly, he got SO MUCH OF AN EGO BOOST from me and AP both being there, "loving" him I can't believe I stayed for as long as I did.

I don't think there is anything wrong with telling him something akin to what you wrote here. I told my WH when I filed something like this (which I combined with what you said in your OP):

Divorce is not what I want. I don't want a broken home and failed marriage. But, you refused to do the hard work. You stayed in touch with the AP -- and I caught you texting her and even telling her you loved her while we were supposed to be reconciling! You wouldn't share your location with me, give me the passcode to your phone, or get into IC. Basically you would not do anything to reconcile with me - you just strung me along. Now you say you will go to marriage counseling and cut off all contact with her. And you wonder why this time I don't believe you? I am not sure in my heart of hearts I want to divorce you, but what choice do I have really? Your behavior backed me into a corner and now you want me to give you yet another chance?

There is nothing stopping you from going to individual counseling to try to figure out why you made the choice to cheat on me and why you continued to lie to me even after you were caught. There is nothing stopping you from trying to make this work, and I am open to that, but not while I sit in limbo waiting again to see if you are going to do as you say and if you mean what you say or if your words are more empty promises. The reason why I am filing for divorce is because of the way you decided to treat me - us - and your total lack of concern for me even after you were caught. There is no reason for us to go to marriage counseling right now - our marriage did not choose to cheat - you did. Until you make yourself a safer partner, and until you figure out why you chose to do what you did, there is no reason for me to stay in this marriage as staying with the unimproved (or unimproving) you is simply impossible. You treated me like garbage, but we both know I am worth far more than that. So for now I will keep moving forward with my life. If you want to join me in it I suggest you get to doing some actual work on yourself.

Sound harsh? Maybe. But when I said my peace I really was done. I didn't want to be divorced, but I knew I wanted to be trapped with my WH in the situation he had created even less. That was the bottom line for me.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:25 PM, Thursday, July 25th]