SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Since I found out, I've been feeling more and more lonely. I haven't left yet but plan to. There are things I'm still working out first.

Every affection from him makes me feel hollow inside to the point it's almost painful. I crave affection and attention and love but I want none of it from him.

I spend so much time distracted and crying or just numb. I fill so much of my time with activities or plans to try to keep the empty feeling at bay. Even at work though I find myself struggling to stay focus and motivated. Therapy only does so much and medication isn't on the table yet, respectfully, it just isn't. Until I leave this will go on and it is becoming unbearable.

I'm so angry and sad. Through this I think I realized this was a relationship that should have ended long ago if I didn't ignore the signs. Somehow though I'm upset that by telling me what he did he took away my illusion of a good relationship. I could have probably lived in ignorance a long while. I know I don't want to live that way that's why I am leaving but this empty feeling is the worst depression I've ever felt in my life and I've had quite a lot go on in my life.

I feel like it'll be better once I am away from him, but til then I'm struggling.

I don't think I'm really asking for advice here just venting... Not wanting to feel alone.

Hi, Orchids, so sorry you are struggling.

Loneliness is very normal, your world has been turned upside down, the life you had is gone, and you are trying to make sense of it all.

IMO sometimes you just need to be alone and not fill so much of your time with activities. Yes, being around others helps especially if you have a trusted friend/family member you could lean on just to listen.

My D-Day was 19 years ago, and I used to grab my laptop and go to a local coffee shop and just sit. Sometimes I was distracted, other times I sat with my thoughts. It helped just getting away from HIM and my environment because you could cut the tension with a knife in my house. I despised him and what he did to our family.

I also think the key to helping with loneliness to finding something to do that you LOVE. I started volunteering at an animal shelter, and my hours spent there were filled with thoughts of helping those poor creatures and nothing else. It also gave me a real sense of purpose instead of just floundering around trying to fill the void.

I just wanted you to know you've been heard, the pain is intense right now but it does lessen with that awful four-letter word, time.

Sending a virtual hug.....

I don’t have much advice or words of wisdom as I am still relatively new on this journey as well. I just want to acknowledge that I feel very similar to you nearly 10 months out from my own Dday. I resonate with feeling anger, sadness and a profound sense of loneliness. I feel a lot of emptiness towards my WH and am numb towards him a lot of the time … it’s actually one of the most awful experiences I’ve ever gone through … not having much "feeling" toward my own husband (I mean, I don’t think it gets anymore fucked up then that). I will say that as time continues and I work towards healing my heart, mind and soul that it does get better. It sounds like you’re feeling your feelings and processing your grief. If you have made up your mind on leaving then I agree it will be "easier" (at least in some ways) for you if you’re away from your WH. Don’t be too hard on yourself in the meantime. Surround yourself with whatever brings you joy and happiness. Sending hugs.

Your messages are so appreciated. I'm sorry you are both here too. Or that anyone has to be here. There's been so many examples of bad love in my life. I'm fighting the idea love isn't real but the people I've known in my life have made it almost impossible.

I crave connection with people, but I've wrapped my life up in this relationship since we were both once so emotionally co-dependent. Therapy (which I started before D-Day) helped me grow out on my own and now I'm just trying to set up the life for this new person I've become. I didn't imagine it would be a life by myself, which isn't what bothers me. I get somewhat excited at the prospect of really getting to be me, freely. But the road there sure is tough. And the fact that the one connection I wrapped everything in, sacrificed for... Was a sham... I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

He hasn't made it easy either. Since telling me, he has been more affectionate than ever in our relationship which I hate as I mentioned it makes me feel worse, and also makes me angry. It took all of this for him to give me affection I always needed, time together in the way I always wanted. Every day blends together like a nightmare. I count the second til bedtime and work where I can escape being next to him. No one should feel like this.

I am so sorry you are hear. I remember those feelings clearly even though I am 2.5 yrs out now. We are still together but it has not been easy. This is literally death to what we believed our life to be.

He hasn't made it easy either. Since telling me, he has been more affectionate than ever in our relationship which I hate as I mentioned it makes me feel worse, and also makes me angry.

I would caution about this. You are still angry because this could be nothing more than love bombing so her can keep control of the situation. It is a form of manipulation and does not really signify true remorse.

It took all of this for him to give me affection I always needed, time together in the way I always wanted.

This is absolutely false although I felt the same exact feelings. It did not take this… he chose it intentionally. It is never true that an affair is a good thing because the unfaithful spouse realized what they would be losing. It would be like being glad that someone intentionally totaled the car putting the entire family in the hospital for months and nearly killing your children…because NOW they are driving with the caution we expected them to show all along.

Nothing you ever did caused him to choose this. He had 1000s of options that could have lead to what you always wanted. He chose to do the one thing guaranteed to destroy all of it. Zero people have ever believed it would be a good thing…otherwise they wouldn’t hide it. That’s different from the crappy justification they try to convince themselves with. But deep down they never do believe their own lies….

The goal now is to get yourself out of infidelity and on the path to recovery… with or without them is possible. The good news is you can be ok after this. It is just painful for a while.

Hi Orchid, I like your handle, such a beautiful flower, I'm sure you're an equally beautiful person.

I get your just wanting to vent. If you share a little more about yourself this community can offer more comfort and some advice.

I fully understand the loneliness. I went through it myself many years ago. Like you my wayward wife confessed to me having cheated on me with her boss. She could have chosen to end it and never said anything. I would never have known., never suspected anything. I often wish she didn't confess.

We were very young, I was devastated., couldn't speak. At first I ran away that night, afterwards I withdrew. Neither of us told anyone. In this community it's called rugsweeping. Not recommended.

At the time all I knew was I felt bad, real bad. We both had good family, in laws all grew up together and get along. No issues, yet neither of us confided with our families.

When you don't deal with a trauma like this up front right away it will come back and get you even worse later. This was my case.

Over 3 decades later my daughter shares with us she has been the victim of infidelity twice. I was shocked and sent back 3 decades to my d day. All the pain came rushing back.

This time I sought the help of a counselor. She helped explore the feelings and not just say I feel awful but describe them more accurately. Loneliness is
one of the big ones.

My wife doesn't understand why I can't get out of the past
I had no one to talk to for over 30 years. I have managed to get along. Successful at work, retired, active in community and civic organizations. She compares herself to me like I'm something special.

Looking back I think all my endeavors and achievements were an attempt to make up for the inadequacy I felt about myself as a result of the infidelity. I also put up a guard around myself, no one was going to ever hurt me like that again.

The results are, I have a lot of friends but I don't have a best friend. My good friends are only so close.

My wife talked about feeling lonely the other day. I shared with her how lonely I have felt over the years even when in a room full of colleagues and friends. It's awful

The days, weeks, months following d day are the loneliest times you can imagine. Seek out some help don't go through this alone.

I'm hoping the best for you.

I can COMPLETELY relate to how you feel - as my username here clearly establishes. It will get better (and yes, leaving did help me feel immensely better and weirdly less alone even though I was physically way more alone in a new town knowing no one.)