SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Might be a TMI warning for some
Looking for honest thoughts/feedback/insights - reality check

I was gone all day for work and I had a feeling my WH engaged in self-pleasure while I was away (day off work). I'm practicing listening to my gut and truth tests I guess. Anyway, I do not care about self-pleasure and fully expect him to take care of things since we are not active. He knows how I feel and all I have asked is that if I inquire regarding his habits he be completely transparent with me. Important to note he has a lot of shame about sexuality, etc. due to the strict religious views of his family during his youth.
So I asked that evening if he had engaged in self-pleasure earlier in the day and he said no, it had been a few days/maybe a week, he wasn't sure. Later he said he would do a better job tracking so he can be transparent. Anyway, I left it, even though I felt he wasn't being 100% honest. The next day he said he didn't sleep well because he knew I needed clear answers and he needed to do a better job.
Fast forward a few days and I brought it up again. He said that it was really the day before I asked and he was sorry he wasn't clear. I said I was pretty sure it was while I was away and assured him I didn't care at all, and probably would do the same. An hour later he came clean and said yes, he did engage that day and just feels so much shame about it and gets embarrassed when I ask. I thanked him for his honesty and we had a good rest of our day.

He passed the polygraph a month ago and has been doing a lot of personal work. Should I let this go? Is this a red flag? I feel triggered by it because it took me drawing it out of him just like all the other lies and that is the major issue. His actions are on the less severe scale (kissing and inappropriate flirting) but it's the dishonesty that is so difficult. Also, it made me doubt myself which over time I stopped trusting myself and didn't want to go back to that.

Am I being too invasive? Is this a red flag?

Why do you want to know if he masturbates? You don't have a sexual relationship with him, so it's not taking anything away from you. As long as it's completely solo, it's none of your business, IMO.

I think the reason is he lied about it all our marriage. Said he never does it and never looks at porn, like ever...could count on his hand how many times. After DD he said he does do these activities and I explained I'm okay with all that. I just want honesty and transparency. I think my brain is telling me if he is lying about this, down the road he may have other secrets again. So it's not so much about the content of the secrets but the lying about them.

honestly though I was always your the same mindset you stated...really didn't care, his business and personal stuff. Now with betrayal it's like a secret part of him that I associate with cheating.

@SacredSoul - I really do agree with you regarding it really not being my business. We all deserve some privacy.

I think the bottom line is that you shouldn't have asked and he shouldn't have lied. I could see requiring transparency about it if there were issues with it that affected your marriage in the past, but you said you don't care and expect it, since you're not active.

Unless he's involving someone else or using porn when he's agreed not to, IMO how often he masturbates is his business and his alone. Demanding transparency and honesty about something so private does come across as invasive. It could compound the shame issue, too.

Thanks!

I agree with ScaredSoul. As long as he’s engaged in such activities solo then I feel like privacy for him to do it (considering at the moment you aren't sexually active) is warranted and completely normal. If he was using porn to carry this out and you’ve set strong boundaries around not doing this, then that would be grounds for further discussion.

Agree, I did him though I'd much prefer him to be honest and say "mind your own business" vs. lie about it. In our 30 years of marriage, I can count on my hands how many times I asked him anything personal like this.

Given his shame around sex, I feel like you are stepping on something here that is very tender. He should not lie, but it is invasive.

That being said, I understand why this is tender to you.

While we were traveling, I once work up in the middle of the night and accidentally walked in on my husband. He was terribly embarrassed which instantly made me very angry. Why? I don’t know - before I might have even been happy and it probably would have moved into sex.

For me, I decided it was that privacy surrounding his sexuality felt dangerous to me. It felt like he was giving his sexual energy away like he did in the affair.

In reality, my rational mind knows he was simply up late and having trouble going to sleep. And he decided to make this an activity to probably relax.

I think I would consider something more manageable here like - I am not going to ask you anymore unless there is a real reason to. I don’t want to add to your shame. However, if you go back to the porn then…(insert boundary)

I also think after infidelity there is no such thing as a white lie.

I can completely relate though, the asturbqtion led to porn and porn probably contributed to the affair. This is just a point of healing or reframing. You are doing that however or you wouldn’t even be asking here. This is just your beginning point of learning to let go of that aspect. It still may take some time.

[This message edited by hikingout at 12:07 AM, Friday, August 16th]

Thank you as always HikingOut

I wouldn’t call this a red flag, it does seem to indicate growth and he could have easily just kept the lie up. Instead he overcame his shame and guilt about it and gave you an answer to something that is incredibly personal.

I do however agree with everyone else that it is overstepping, post A or not, and if he’s going to feel like he can’t even take care of himself without being interrogated, that could easily cause more problems. I’d be pretty pissed if I was asked that when we weren’t having sex at all.

He's not at all mad. To clarify he was the one who actually suggested we talk more openly about this topic specifically and suggested I could at any point open up the conversation and it would be welcomed.

I told him yesterday that I don't want to contribute to any shame and that I won't be inquiring for this reason but if he ever wants to talk about it I'm available.

Sounds like you are on the right path re: communication. I also agree with HikingOut's suggestion about explaining the boundaries - helps him understand the questioning too.