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Sometimes I don’t know if we are going to work out. He’s still so angry about stuff from our past and his past and he says he doesn’t even love himself and sometimes he doesn’t feel anything. So how can he love me? I’m trying so hard to be patient with him but it’s so hard. Because I need his support so bad right now and sometimes it seems like he can’t give it to me.
He has IC for the first time in two weeks this morning because he was transferring back to his old therapist and it took awhile. So I’m hoping that helps. But I just feel like I’m doing all the emotional work. And I feel like I’m drowning.

I’m sorry you are struggling. Betrayal trauma is truly horrific. It gets better, but I know that is cold comfort in the throes of it.

Sometimes I don’t know if we are going to work out

When I say this, please know I’m not trying to be harsh, I fully intend what follows for your good. It’s not just "sometimes" that you don’t know if it will "work out" (which I assume you mean the marriage will survive, and maybe you even mean it will thrive and be better than ever). You don’t know period. Ever. You may have days where you are hopeful, and that is well and good. But attempting R is risky by nature, and its outcome is far from certain until years out.

I know that sounds awful, and frankly, it is. But that is precisely why it’s so critically important to Let Go of the Outcome. The outcome is very much in flux, it could go many different ways. But you are still going to be you, no matter what. And that is enough. You will be an amazing, valuable, beautiful soul whether you remain in your current marriage or whether it ends. The outcome of the marriage is unknowable right now. You, good lady, are invaluable. Regardless of the outcome. Really, truly let that sink into your heart and mind, and you will come out of this whole. Scarred, wiser, and whole.

It was around this stage that I started taking myself back. I couldn't do anything about WH. And it was exhausting watching him and waiting for another shoe that may or may not drop.

So I took myself back. I started focusing on my own hobbies - and, when I realized I didn't have as many as I'd hoped, I tried new things and found some. And made a few friends [or at least friendly acquaintances] along the way.

I didn't think of it as LETTING GO OF THE OUTCOME. I thought of it more as PUTTING MY TIME EFFORT AND ENERGY INTO MYSELF.

WH could handle his own shit or not - that was on him. To do by himself for himself. I was his spouse - not his parent, teacher or handler. Spoiler alert - he did. But it took years.

The outcome is out of your control. But there can be no outcome without two healed individuals. AND the only one you can heal is you. That's where your focus needs to be.

AS for him - he can be angry. That's for him to work out. Loving himself - that's also up to him. And him not feeling anything (or choosing not to feel anything) - also a him issue.

You are drowning. I get that. But I used to teach swimming many years ago and even had my WSI. So...kick your feet! Keep kicking them. You won't drown. But if you continue to only tread water you'll exhaust yourself. Learn to float and kick your feet - little flutter kicks will do. You don't have to swim for miles or win a race. Just flutter kick to safety. Rest there if you have to. Then hoist yourself out into the sun. Dry off with a fluffy towel - or drip dry in the warmth. Don't be afraid of it - don't resent it. But bask and rest in it. You will slowly recharge your battery.

Thank you both. But there just one problem… how do I focus on my healing? I think I’ve been so worried about helping him so he could give me what I need that I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing now.

AdLarue17 once you let focusing on him and his healing go - you will realize you may have some time and energy that needs an outlet. That's when you focus on you. Even something as basic as wandering Target aimlessly looking at the things you never have time for. Taking yourself out for a cup of coffee and people watching while you sip it. Going for a short walk. Meeting a friend for lunch.

It is a harsh yet freeing realization that there is nothing he can do to heal you [and I spent a LONG time in the beginning yelling "you broke me - you fix me" and resenting needing to be "fixed"]. Once you let that shit go - easier said than done - you slowly start working on yourself. Let it flow naturally. It will take time. Sometimes effort. But eventually you will find yourself looking forward to these short moments. They aren't pleasurable at first. More...an absence of negative.

Take the time to figure it out.

But there just one problem… how do I focus on my healing?

You can’t do his work. You just can’t. You’re trying to save the TEAM he destroyed.

Thus, the feeling of drowning — I sure lived that feeling, it’s the worst.

You need to close your eyes, breathe deep and recall one of your favorite moments in life where you felt great about yourself. It can be a big day, great accomplishment, or a day at the beach — some memories that remind you of how cool you are.

Remember you’re awesome.

You held up your end of the deal, you don’t owe your WS a thing.

Now, work on getting back to being the best version of you. Favorite people, favorite things to do, hobbies, workouts, hikes, music — let the previous joy in life become a bit of guide to your first steps back.

If your WS gets some help and wakes the (bleep) up — all the better — but he’s not your work.

We can’t ever control people or outcomes, we can only control how we respond to adversity.

And yes, it’s a massive adversity.

Get back on your feet, and that can take a while.

Then see if he is doing enough work to be worthy of you.

Then figure out what YOU want.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 7:28 PM, Saturday, August 17th]

I think I’ve been so worried about helping him so he could give me what I need that I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing now

. So you have some skill at discerning what someone wants. Use that skill on yourself.

Keep asking yourself questions like:

What do I feel right now? Keep the answer very simple - maybe limit answers to mad/sad/glad/scared/ashamed. This is the most important question.

What do I want right now?

What is the closest I can get to what I want? (I expect virtually all of us want the A(s) not to have happened, but no one can get that, so what's the closest?)

Move your body.

Drink water.

Eat what you need.

Find a good IC who will help you heal yourself.

You need to be like the person in the airplane safety videos, to paraphrase " in the unlikely air pressure drop, put on your mask first before helping others."
You be the person who puts on the mask first to help yourself. Only then are you able to help others.

The way I see it, one can help the partner in a marriage. That does not mean solve the partner’s problems. That means help, guide, suggest, offer etc. And only once the mask is safely on. In other words, once you are emotionally strong and sure of yourself.

It took me two years to understand this. And it was a huge weight off my shoulders.

Wishing you the best.

It took me two years to understand this. And it was a huge weight off my shoulders.

Well said and damn true Notaboringwife.

How are you doing today AdLarue17?

Thank you for all the comments and support! I really appreciate it. I feel much better today. I’m trying to focus on myself like everyone suggested. It is hard for me in general. I have two daughters who are now 12 and 16 so they don’t need me as much so I think I’ve been focusing on my WH more because of this as well as his depression and betrayal. I hope this will get easier. Cause it sucks!!!