SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been in denial so long.........A little less than 2 weeks ago the walls in my head finally came crumbling down.

It's funny/ironic, it was an old text message exchange that did it. Just over a year old actually. I found it on his phone. She sent him pictures like they were newly dating, they talked about my home town, he shared things with her that I had told him on some of our first dates about where I grew up (meaning she was local), he then told her he was in an open relationship, talked about our kids, our marriage, shared secrets about us in the bedroom, asked to meet up with her...... I'd never read a full exchange between him and one of these women before....

I know some people don't consider online or sexting to be "affairs", but I did. I made it clear so many times over to him. I guess in some ways it was my fault I didn't walk away sooner. The first time I even found anything was because I was pregnant, and I was snooping on his phone. We weren't married, but I thought we were committed, together for over a year and about to have a baby. He was sexting a "friend" who was going through a tough time. Exchanging nudes, telling her sweet things. I felt so guilty for snooping, and I guess scared that this was happening between us with a baby on the way, that I let it go way too easy.

The second time, a woman contacted me shortly after our daughter was born. We fought, he lied, and ultimately, I didn't believe the woman; I obviously didn't want to. A few months later another woman contacted me. We fought again. It was Covid, life was stressful. He claimed it was his form of porn, interactive porn. He got off on sexting women, asking for nudes and then never talking to them again. I argued that these women found me through Facebook, it wasn't just porn, it wasn't ok, it had to stop. It crossed a line. I thought we had worked through it. I thought maybe we just didn't establish clear boundaries at the beginning of our relationship. He said he would stop, he said he understood.

We got married, had another kid. I even thought I saw him snap chatting with a girl once and he swore up and down it was some fishing thing (showed me) and said he didn't do that anymore. He lied. Again.

This past January our 4-year-old accidentally opened up his phone in front of me and his tinder account was right there for me to see. I realized he had been cheating the whole time and never stopped, just hid it better. I cried for a couple weeks, we fought really badly, and I threatened to leave. But I still stayed because he made promises to delete everything, cancel all his accounts, give me his passwords, and let me go through his phone whenever I wanted.

I don't know what possessed me to look through his phone for the first time two weeks ago. And for him to have been so thorough in deleting everything except this one exchange.

6 years of online cheating through all major social media (snap chat, Instagram, Facebook, and many many online dating apps) with hundreds of women. He claims he never met up with them (despite lying about even asking to meet them), he claims he never sent pics of me (despite lying about sending pics of himself and sharing personal details about me), he claims he never slept with anyone..... and I've known bits and pieces of this for years but pushed it so far down.

Yet a year-old text exchange has finally made me see reality.

I don't know what my next steps are. Reading some of the forums on this site have helped me realized I don't have to know right now. I do know things have forever changed between us. I told his parents what's going on and that I want a divorce. He's sleeping in the spare bedroom now only because I still need childcare while I work (He is/was a SAHD). I've started looking into counseling if just to help us be civil around the children as we navigate this. All I know is I will survive. I have to. For my kids.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You need to tell him he needs to get a job ASAP so that you don't have to continue supporting him once you do divorce.

Figure out how shared custody is going to look to you. Start getting your ducks in a row.

Read up on the 180 and practice that so you can start detaching from him.

Again so sorry you're having to go through all this, I know it's very hard.

I am so sorry your little family is being torn apart. This is an addiction and he needs therapy. IC and group. You need support from family as you move on.
Make sure you eat properly. With small kids you don’t have a choice.
If you need something for anxiety please see your dr.
Try to get enough sleep
Talk to a lawyer about what to expect.
Stay away from alcohol and drink plenty of liquids.
All this trauma you are living in will have an effect on your health unless you are proactive in protecting it,

Very sorry you find yourself here and you will receive good support. Please read in the healing library and the pinned threads. Lots of good info there. Get tested for STD’s. Do see an attorney and learn you rights. The timing for filing for D is up to you. But your WH has made a life as at least an online cheater if not more. Most importantly take care of you. You have suffered a real trauma due to your WH’s infidelity. Do get into IC for you. Rely on close friends and family if you have someone who supports you. Eat healthy, exercise, get good sleep and remember you are the prize. You deserve a faithful, loving partner. Not a serial cheater you can not trust. Be there for your young children. They will need you to be strong. Limit your interactions with your WH. You are divorcing and you only need discuss D matters and child custody. Do not get dragged into arguing or engaging with him. He will only try to manipulate and gaslight you. Many here have been in your spot and will provide good advice. Keep posting.

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. Yes, the online stuff is cheating in my book, so don't discount that as something that you need to heal and process through. I feel that infidelity is also abuse, but that's my opinion.

Please read the pinned posts at the top of the forum and the ones with the bull's eye icons. They have some very helpful information. The Healing Library is full of information, and it's also where the list of acronyms we use is located.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful in processing through your emotions. You may see us reference the emotional rollercoaster ride because you may think you're feeling something that's kind of crazy-making, but is normal for somebody going through betrayal trauma.

If you have trouble sleeping or with depression or anxiety, please see your doctor for meds. You will probably want to see your doctor anyway to be tested for STDs/STIs. You have no idea what he's exposed you to and there are some really nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer.

Speak to a lawyer or several. If you see the lawyer first, he can't use them because it's a conflict of interest. Knowledge is power. Also, go to your county's family court site and see what you can find out about the process.

Don't feel bad that you didn't walk away sooner. There are so many of us that feel this, but we were really just doing the best we could at the time with the information we had.

Don't feel bad that you didn't walk away sooner. There are so many of us that feel this, but we were really just doing the best we could at the time with the information we had.

I agree, but here you are. Please do not accept the same old promises and lies from your WS. Things will not change unless he wants them to. I am not going to diagnose him as a sex addict - he must just be a real jerk (to use a nice word) - but either way you know that unless he wants to change AND takes it upon himself to do something about it - you are almost guaranteed to end up right back here again with more lies and more nonsense.

I'm sorry you are here - the best you can do is make yourself Plan A (meaning plan for you to do what you need to do to get away from him so IF you decide to leave, you can), talk to a lawyer now especially if you own anything together, and take a little time for yourself to just be upset/mad/angry/whatever you need to. Can your parents watch the kids for you for a bit - so you can have a minute to yourself? I know I HAD to have time to myself when I decided enough was enough - just to let my head clear. You are right - you will get through this.

"Don't feel bad that you didn't walk away sooner. There are so many of us that feel this, but we were really just doing the best we could at the time with the information we had."

OBS told me that the review mirror is small for a reason. My advice is to be exquisitely kind to yourself and take exquisite care of yourself and your children. This is a lot to deal with and it took a village to get me through it. I was beyond blessed to have people who helped me and I hope you will have people helping you through too.

Hey there,

I am so sorry to hear of your story. It sounds like you really showed up for the marriage and valued it and your WH just...didn't. And he will probably understand your value too late. You deserve better. Your children deserve better.

Some of us have to stay until the pain of staying becomes greater than the fear of leaving. I was the same way. No shame, sister. It is not an easy process and we shouldn't judge others as they find their way through it. There are things that you can do to support your healing. You need to minimize your contact with your WH. Kids and Money and logistics. That's it. You should be actively decoupling everywhere you can. If you have access to therapy, please take it. I am not sure how long you plan on cohabitating with your cheater, but that can be difficult and a therapist could really help you manage that. You have to have support because this whole situation will be a real life lesson for your kids on how you handle adversity and challenges. That is what carried me through this whole ordeal, I just thought to myself, just demonstrate to your kids how to manage crisis and change. You need to be steady so that they will feel like the situation still is under some control.

I am on the other side, and I want to give you hope that you will be happy again. I was so miserable, trying to cling to my marriage to a self-obsessed, cheating alcoholic, so terrified of being on my own. I finally took the leap, and it has been hard AF, but I DID IT! And now, I am almost at a year post-divorce and swearing off all men, I have a boyfriend. My life looks completely different and hopeful and beautiful and my marriage to a cheater--just a shitty memory.

You are stronger than you think and more capable than you think. Put some distance between your wh and yourself and start the next steps. You got this. A lot of people not as intelligent and much less capable than you have gone through this and come out whole on the other side.

Keep posting <3

Definitely see an attorney to know your rights and obligations. My H was putnof work when I found out and one thing keeping me from pulling the trigger was finding out I might have to pay him spousal support and child support. He had always been gainfully employed until just prior to d day.
Knowing your rights will hel0 guide you.
I don't agree with addiction at this point. He probably loves the attention and everything it entails. But don't allow things like diagnosis control your choice or prevent you from demanding what you deserve.
Also get full STD testing that means a pelvic and blood work. Ask for a referral for a trauma specialist for therapy. Infidelity is a him problem not a you problem.
If you are struggling with sleeping and eating talk to your dr about it. This is a huge trauma. If you are unable to eat at least get some protein shakes in you daily.