SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi. Does anyone have any recommendations for therapists that were particularly good at helping your partner see things from your point and understand dealing with your feelings and needs in the very beginning rather than just focusing on the moving on part. Someone in the UK would be preferred. Thank you!

I’m not in the UK — but I think you can ask any therapist some questions in advance of choosing them. And you’re right, too many modern therapists are focused on "moving on" rather than tackling a WS owning their very specific choices to turn away from the relationship.

You may have to ask a number of them what their take is on infidelity or if that’s a specialty for them.

Easiest question to ask is, "Do you believe marriage can cause someone to cheat?"

If they say agree, then call the next name on the list.

I was lucky, my therapist turned out to be a betrayed spouse with 35+ years of counseling couples. He didn’t mention he was a betrayed spouse until after our time in couples therapy concluded. He was fair to my wife, but held her accountable for the choices she made.

Thank you so much, that was very useful and lucky you had a therapist with that experience! I’ll continue my hunt!

I don’t know if a therapist can "get anyone to see a point" from a different perspective.

My experience is based on the fact that my H had a 4 year EA that he refused to admitted to. His position was they were "friends" and I cannot tell him who he could be friends with. He lied and stonewalled and gaslit me for those 4 years. Nothing I said or did made a difference. He was his selfish arrogant self doing whatever he wanted.

Fast forward to 15 years later and he’s cheating again. Except this time I told him I was D him. I’d had enough. Long story short I found out from the current OW that he admitted to her about the first EA OW and he knew it was wrong all along.

Soooo the point is that people will make excuses to get what they want. It’s selfish IMO yet they act like spoiled children who only want their own way, even though they know what they are doing is wrong.

I think you might want to consider why a cheating spouse or partner holds onto something that they can see causes harm or pain to their spouse/mate. That is the cruelest part in all this.

People know right from wrong. And they will justify wrong to get what they want. How sad.

Thank you..I know it’s crazy. In my case I only found out about something now that happened 9 years ago so we are in very different places in terms of feeling the ‘freshness’ of it so even more difficult to get what I need right now in terms of details etc which is really difficult and struggling to get him to understand that.

Hurt123456 -

I also found out years after the fact — fresh doesn’t matter much. Your pain is all about today — and you still have to figure out what your reality is versus what you thought it was — and that takes time.

There is a unique forum in the I Can Relate section of the message boards here and it is aptly titled: For Those Who Found Out Years Later.

Some decent observations and shared experiences in that thread.

Thank you sounds very useful, I will check it out