SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven’t posted for a while as the XWH was trolling me here but I’m 2+ yrs divorced. I have the kids, dogs and house and he has all the money. Best trade ever. DS and DD are going to college and living with me. The divorce came as a big shock because I had kept his prior cheating to myself and tried to make a go of reconciliation until DD2. Later I realized there were more than 2.

I waited to date because I didn’t want to make the kids feel abandoned. Also after the narcissist scorched earth divorce I couldn’t imagine a new relationship. It’s been in survival mode, trying to afford my old life with one parent and one salary.

But I did meet a nice man and we’ve been dating for 5 months. We met at a weekly happy hour where I’d get one drink and bring back affordable dinner for the kids. It turns out we had mutual friends there and I started to look forward to happy hour.

He’s a few years out of a LT relationship too, both of us are being guarded. No "L" word exchange or LT plans.

I’m wondering if this is the new normal for me. I don’t want to feel dependent on anyone again. I think I can maintain a relationship and still tell myself I don’t need it. I’m happy single as a baseline so I know I can be happy returning to single hood.

I’ve heard people on here say after DD they realize that they were too invested/involved/reliant on the partner and it’s healthier not to be that way. Or am I missing an opportunity to be all-in in a positive relationship?

I think it's important to maintain some independence. You don't have to be a doormat and allow your partner to treat you the same way your XWH did. I think it will take you time to realize that your friend is different than your XWH, and if he isn't - RUN! After living through narc abuse, it's understandable to want to be cautious.

Being happy with your singlehood gives you an advantage. You can have a partner that enhances your life and lifestyle. You already know that you can get along fine by yourself, so you're already much better off than somebody who is so totally dependent on being in a relationship that they'll accept crappy behavior from a partner.

There have been members post that they started dating and their NB ended up with major red flags and they left, while others have had wonderful experiences.

If you have a chance, read the NB story Knowing One's Worth by Shehawk. Her XWH was something else, and she has been posting updates about how her post-D life is going. She's been dating and recently became engaged. She discusses having how her new SO treats her and I think it's great reading.

Thanks Leafields,
My XWH started out ok but seemed to get more and more narcissistic ( or maybe just stopped hiding it). So I’m wary of anyone the least bit arrogant. The new guy is very humble,self-deprecating, just the opposite.

Our divorce really brought out the monster in XWH, although I was the one who wanted the divorce because I caught him cheating again, he flipped the script and told all my friends and family and kids that I was the one with a new guy. I lost a lot of friendships with all the terrible things he was saying about me, but then again, they weren’t real friends to believe it. Then came the plan for financial destruction. I heard he was at a bar in town bragging to people that I can’t afford my house. He doesn’t pay for the kids, has little contact. A real 180 from when we were married.

The pain of DD1 was so painful that I’m not sure I want to set myself up for that again. DD2, 10 yrs later was nothing but a relief and gave me the push I needed to divorce a guy I was now suspicious of; so it seems like even in my marriage I stayed wary, cynical.

"The divorce came as a big shock because I had kept his prior cheating to myself and tried to make a go of reconciliation until DD2. Later I realized there were more than 2."

I am very sorry you went through this. No one deserved this sort of treatment. And when the "switch" flips some waywards can become extremely vindictive and aweful.

I wish you blessings, peace and much healing

My new husband and I were in a long distance relationship for 5 years after my D and we lived together 2 more years before marrying. I learned a lot about myself and my independence and it has carried over well into our marriage. It took a while before I stopped triggering on things but my H is honest and that is one thing we talk about all the time. We can do anything as long as we have honesty between us.

Thanks Shehawk and Not, I know your advice is solid. There’s a reason the X was able to bring such destruction, but then again most relationships I see, parents, friends, they can totally trust each other with no detriment. A nice idea.

I’m wondering if you guys experienced the oxytocin rush of the new relationship? I recognized it from DD1. With XWH it was so weird because I hated/felt betrayed by the chemicals surging through my system. I gave in and tried to reconcile ( and we had little kids, in hindsight it was a valiant effort). Then after 2.5 years of putting my life back together I get hit with this oxytocin rush again, and just after a date or two. I couldn’t eat or think, true crazy but I know in my head it’s not real because it’s the same as that hysterical bond.

Then after 2.5 years of putting my life back together I get hit with this oxytocin rush again, and just after a date or two. I couldn’t eat or think, true crazy but I know in my head it’s not real because it’s the same as that hysterical bond.

It's good to be cautious. You already know you've chosen poorly in the past with the XWH. Likely missed red flags that were obvious in retrospect. NRE is real. It's part of how we evolved to pair bond. To complete that bond though takes work and effort by both. To move beyond just the excitement and tingly feelings to something more concrete. To also work on keeping some of that excitement going. Good chance you were the only one doing most of that work in your marriage to XWH. The only way to tell if there's more here is time and effort.

The contrast between my Ex is my current wife in investment in the relationship is dramatic. I like to say my first marriage taught me the hard way that one person can't make it work on their own. My wife isn't prefect but it's been great to have someone trying just as hard to be part of a couple. 10 years in and still getting better every year.

Thanks Grubs,
You make me think about judging our partners by the investment they are willing to make. When I got divorced I still had teens and dogs and a mortgage (still do) and I wondered how I would make it on my solo income and being a single mom. Turns out money was the only difference. I was already the only one doing housework, taking the kids, walking the dogs, making dinner. XWH was a LEO and always chose to work nights so he was asleep or at work (or?) when all the work needed to be done.

Don’t laugh but I blame Dr. Laura for staying with him for so long. I listened to her radio show when we were young and both working and he still didn’t help. I’d get so frustrated after cleaning up after him, especially after the first baby, that I’d explode until he spend a day or two helping. Dr. Laura said divorce for not doing housework was ridiculous, should just be for abuse or infidelity and once we had kids together that sounded right. So I spent 22 years resentful and worn out. When I caught him the second time it was as a relief, I finally felt I had earned the right to leave.

I notice now that I love cooking for the kids, doing yard work, cleaning the house. I’m about to call the beau and ask if he wants to walk the dogs ( he says yes). It feels like a big boulder was taken off my shoulders.

Apparently the new guy had bigger issues with this topic than I did! Last week we planned to meet up after he finished up some stuff but I fell asleep before he got back to me. I woke up at 3am to see that I missed his text and call and texted an apology ( didn’t call bc it was 3!). The next night I asked if he needed any company via text, got a worked late/long day text and I again fell asleep before he texted a "come over" at 9:30. He flipped out, accused my of lying, being mean and heartless, didn’t want to meet and discuss and broke up with me all via text! Frankly no one has ever broken up with me ( cheated, yes, tried to kill me, yes, but never broken up). I am surprised by the great feeling of relief and that he chose the breakup. For now I’m no longer a New Beginning and will just lurk here but it was nice to visit. Hope to join you all again. I am very encouraged by the positive stories and thanks to those who weighed in!

Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Sorry he was such a jerk. FWIW, 9:30 is past my bedtime and I would appreciate you NOT texting me at 3 am.

For now I’m no longer a New Beginning and will just lurk here but it was nice to visit.

I don't think New Beginnings means new relationship. Just new beginning of life with or without relationships.

Thanks Anna,
I think you’re correct! Before I started dating this man I was still in a state of shock over my change of lifestyle. I spent the last two years stressing out how I was going to financially make it and how I could try to keep life normal for the kids. My kids live at home but are in college. Divorce was a big shock for them. My ex withdrawing all financial support for them was a big shock to me. I couldn’t imagine having any energy or emotion to date but now I can. I couldn’t imagine introducing my kids to someone but I did it. It didn’t go well but maybe they saw he wasn’t the right guy for me. The next one will be better.

DS is leaving with XWH and new GF to spend the weekend ( in a separate room) in Vegas. I’m concerned but he says new gf is nice to him and that’s about all I can ask for. I guess we’ve "graduated" from the shock of the infidelity and divorce.

I ran into the ( now Ex) bf in town last week and he started in on me ," do you know what your problem is…." I never waited to find out, just interrupted and told him that I don’t appreciate being called a liar and a bunch of names because I fell asleep. May have also called him nuts. All the years of therapy and books helped! I’m not going to get stepped on again! Although it’s sad he chose to end things the way he did and now I’m out my taco Tuesday spot.

Good for you! And so nice you are finally able to enjoy the freedom! One of the benefits of being single is your mind can ruminate on all sorts of thoughts other than current relationship details.

The times I dated I was always swept back into figuring the damn relationship out. I am more avoiding that mental/emotional energy re-focus than any actual relationship at this point:-)

Enjoy this special time.

I agree that new beginnings is any new beginning and not just a relationship.

"Don’t laugh but I blame Dr. Laura for staying with him for so long"

I am not laughing. I don’t know what she writes or says but I do know that exwh said he cheated because I didn’t treat him like she said I should. (Insert me loudly laughing at the audacity of a serial cheater to say this).

Sorry that you experienced the light switch moment. I think it is likely that we will trigger other people from time to time. I think the key for me has been finding a partner who does not keep a long list of things I have done "wrong" and who makes an attempt to carry his share of our agreed upon load including the mental load and who is able to repair when there are issues in the relationship.

I have know my fiancé for a fairly long time now. We are at a different point in our relationship so we and several other people have access to each other’s physical locations (personal choice whether to do this or not in relationships but I lead a pretty boring life so don’t care if my neighbors know I got a burger but do care if friends know if I am stuck in a snowbank since we do get winter). BUT if we did not share location or have agreements about when it was ok to just stop by etc I could imagine one of us getting triggered or concerned about the other not answering the phone. Regardless, we would do things like talk it out, ask for something if appropriate or whatever to get to "repair".

There are good people out there. I wish you peace, healing and happiness.

And to be clear I am not saying you should have done anything differently.

I am saying there is quite a bit of difference between falling asleep which you did and what he accused you of. Also I don’t support you getting called names. I think it’s reasonable for you to expect that even if we trigger someone that they will handle themselves with the goal of safe and loving communication and resolution of issues.

Thank you Shehawk!
Now Ex bf actually ambushed me last weekend, waited on the hiking trail where I meet my friend every Sat morning, to return my things. He wanted to talk and I said I didn’t need to be accused of anything or be called names. His response was " well that’s how you made me feel." I had two-year-olds once, I recognized the selfish tantrum! It’s all a relief to have done with.

You reminded me that after DD1, when I was trying to get XWH to read "Not Just Friends" ( he never did read it) he gifted me a copy of Dr. Lara’s "How to Please Your Husband" !!! 😂. I threw it out.

I’m about to meet my friend on the trail, hopefully "the coast is clear".