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Originally I wrote this post sharing a bit of my story for context, but it was long so I’m leaving it out for now and will just get to the point.

Can anyone explain how gut instinct/intuition works? I had the most insane, intense feelings something was wrong almost right from the start of my WH A … it’s kinda surreal to look back on it all and I wonder how finding out was even possible given there were no "obvious tracks" of anything suspicious. There were no bread crumbs to be found, literally it started with a "bad feeling." At one point I literally had "a voice" (yes I know it’s crazy, but I did), come to me one night and it told me to buy a VAR and stick it around the house where he would be, his car, etc. Boom … caught! I still shake my head in disbelief to the craziness that went on within me up until the discovery.

So …

1. Do most of us "possess" varying degrees of these types of intuitions?
2. Do we just become hypersensitive, picking up on minuscule details from our spouse that sends off internal alarm bells?
3. Sometimes I feel I "got lucky" with my gut instinct … do those intuitions eventually fade or strengthen after trauma?
4. After betrayal, how do you distinguish the difference between listening to your gut vs. navigating through the pain you’ve endured?

*side note - I think #4 is difficult for me. After living and breathing betrayal, I don’t know if my gut instinct is "working" properly after infidelity … it’s like how do I know when my gut is guiding me to further truths or just fucking with me.*

There is science behind gut instinct. Our brains are super computers that record thousands upon thousands of things, most of which we aren't even aware of. So when subtle things change - a jaw clench, a different tone of voice or a thousand other variables - our brains note the difference. The change registers as something different and potentially harmful to us. In a pair bond (marriage) you've recorded probably millions of things. Your gut is very in tune to your partner.

It's real. Some people may be more in tune than others but it's real.

Your last question is the toughest one. In the early stages it is extremely difficult to tell the difference between the brain picking up something different and a trigger which is bringing the past into the present.

Eventually I spent serious time trying to discern between the two. For me, my gut talking ended up being a much deeper feeling. Like getting hit by a thunderbolt. A "knowing" that came from my bones.

Whereas a trigger reminded me of something. It came with anxiety and fear but confronting it made me feel better. My gut feelings never shut up. :)

Ask the things you want to ask. Confront situations that make you uncomfortable. Journal your thoughts and separate fact from fiction (to identify if it's a trigger). Focus on controlling your somatic responses (deep breathing, exercise, meditation, etc) to alleviate trigger symptoms. When you heal the trauma and your response to it, the noise quiets down. The gut can now speak more clearly.

I don’t know a lot about intuition, but I do believe everyone has it.

At the same time, my husband conducted an affair for 18 months in my home and I suspected nothing. But, I think it was just hidden because it started 18 months after my affair and nothing was normal during that time.

I think also it can have to do with how well your ws compartmentalizes. I am not a great compartmentalizer and my husband knew something was wrong.

However, I wanted to address this:

After betrayal, how do you distinguish the difference between listening to your gut vs. navigating through the pain you’ve endured

?

This is difficult. But I would say this- work to confirm whatever your gut is telling you. You are still likely in the questioning stage and asking some questions more than one time or coming at them from a different direction. I think you will know when you are satisfied you have as much of the truth as possible. If that satisfaction isn’t reached, then your gut will tell you that as well. It’s a puzzle you are building and pieces will fit or they won’t.

As far as something new happening, I believe your spidey senses worked the first time and it will in the future.

You are simply still in the discovery space so it’s hard to describe how that eventually settles, but you will know.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:26 PM, Friday, September 6th]

I, too, think that 'intuition' comes from picking up non-verbal communication.

After one finds proof that they've been betrayed, it makes sense to me to rethink and recalibrate how effective one is at interpreting how they receive and interpret non-verbals, especially if they misinterpreted signals from their WS.. After all, the BS has proven to themself that they missed or misinterpreted non-verbal signals.

I accept that some people may know more than just non-verbals, but I don't know how to test or prove which thought comes from that sort of knowledge.

1. Do most of us "possess" varying degrees of these types of intuitions?

I think most of us do. Those who don't would most likely be labeled as autistic. Some people can read a room instantly. Some people feel energy. Some people just "know" something's amiss. Some are downright clairvoyant.

2. Do we just become hypersensitive, picking up on minuscule details from our spouse that sends off internal alarm bells?

Because my H cheated so early in our relationship, my gut was screaming at me almost from the start, but I was so young and inexperienced that I labeled everything incorrectly. I thought it was PTSD. I thought I was the problem. I thought it was just what marriage was like. But I picked up on the cues. I felt them. I felt them enough to ask him a few times, with my head cocked to the side, "Have you cheated on me?"

3. Sometimes I feel I "got lucky" with my gut instinct … do those intuitions eventually fade or strengthen after trauma?

I don't necessarily think our intuition itself gets stronger. I think we've got experience with what to look for so it's much easier to connect the dots.

4. After betrayal, how do you distinguish the difference between listening to your gut vs. navigating through the pain you’ve endured?

It took me a years to reconcile all the gut pings that I had labeled incorrectly. I was gaslit badly for a long, long time, and I felt like a chump. I felt like I had betrayed myself. As I was grilling my H for all the information about his As, I had so many AHA! moments when I connected a gut ping with an event. Consequently, in other situations I tended to jump quickly to the worst-case scenario and then backtrack and calm down as I worked it out in my head and reminded myself to not make assumptions.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 9:06 PM, Friday, September 6th]

As far as #4 goes, I think immediately after discovery our brains are essentially short circuiting, making a whole lot of stuff hard to do, like walk, eat and sleep. After things calm down a bit, the accuracy of our intuition returns.

TheEnd

Thank you so much for your response. I understand what you’re saying. Looking back I definitely picked up on differences (even though they were very subtle, they started to become frequent "odd" behaviours and it made me question them). I definitely think that my trauma levels have subsided significantly over the course of these past several months … I think the "noise" level is slowly starting to quiet down.

H/O

I definitely think I have as much of the truth and puzzle pieces to put the picture together. Any questions I have left are more pain-shopping related. I’m hoping you’re right about "spidey senses." I think deep down I’ve always known when things don’t feel right, but I’ve purposely turned a blind eye to avoid confrontation or hard truths.

Sisoon

Agreed. Those non-verbal cues/actions/behaviours are so imperative and telling.

ScaredSoul

Thank you so much for your responses to my questions. After discovering the betrayal I thought for sure I used up my "3 wishes" so to speak, and I would never get my true intuition back after all of this. Just like healing from trauma takes time, I think time also is needed to get ones "gut" back on track and to trust if it’s guiding you in the right direction. Looking back over the course of these 11 months, my gut has definitely taken me on a wild ride.

OhItsYou

I agree. That seems to be the consensus of the posters to my thread. I’m very much relieved to hear that it doesn’t leave, but just takes time to sort itself out after trauma.

It was me noticing my wife's reaction to me seeing a picture of her in a green dress while she was flipping thru pics on her phone. When I asked about it she acted 'different' and after 27 years together I knew something was wrong. She stumbled through an explanation that was nonsensical and changing by the minute

So I set a reminder in my phone to check her cell phone records on Verizon to see if she had sent a pic text to anyone. Two weeks later when my phone reminded me I almost let it go but ended up checking

No pic text was sent so on a hunch I checked her tablet and SURPRISE! I saw several sexts between her and a married coworker from today (the day I checked her tablet)

So yes it was my gut instinct that lead me to finding out she was having an affair. Allegedly there was no physical contact but can a BS ever know the whole truth?

I still believe there are details she is withholding. I firmly believe she sent that pic to him. I learned that apple to apple texts do NOT go thru the cell service provider so luckily for cheaters there is no record.

Trust your instincts

[This message edited by WB1340 at 9:54 AM, Monday, September 9th]

IDK - I can tell you it applies to all kinds of things. I woke up a few weeks ago and felt fine but within an hour I started to feel on edge - like my gut was screaming something was wrong and I actually had that old gross feeling in the pit of my stomach but I couldn't figure out why, but did not think it had anything to do with WH. I actually was on the phone with him later that morning and told him I felt like something bad was going to happen or had happened and I almost felt sick to my stomach. And sure enough, even though my new foster dog had been getting along fabulously with my dogs for 6 weeks, there was a big scary dog fight about 30 minutes later. When the fur settled and I had it sorted out, the feeling in my gut was gone. I don't think I'm psychic or anything - I think somehow my body could sense the dogs were edgy or something but I couldn't put my finger on what the precise problem was.

Why does that happen? Got me, but it was the same feeling I would have with my WH back in the day, and I was almost always right.

Such an interesting topic.My wife's first, longest affair, and the one in which she fell.in love with her AP was conducted in a very secretive manner in an era decades before the advent of the internet,personal computers social media, private messaging apps or portable cell.phones. so it was impossible to verify what my gut instinct wss telling me in response to the subtle changes in her demeanor, the feeling of something is just way off, not rihht, the little behavioral changes, the new and different choices she made in grooming, clothes and makeup, especially the selection of brighter, redder lipstick, the move to shorter, more revealing dresses and skirts and skimpier underwear. And for a while, there was a new intensity in the physical, sexual side of our marriage. It was simply very confusing, and I felt I wss a very lucky man... but even so, the love bombing didn't dampen the weird, unshakable feeling that something wasn't kosher. I was being torn in two directions and skillfully manipulated.
In fact, I point blank asked her if she was having an affair to which she vehemently and with a great deal of indignation, replied that no, and how could I possibly think she was capable of such a betrayal.
I let my guard down and we settled into a new routine, but all the while those gnawing, very unsettling gut feelings wouldn't go away.
As her affair entered its later stages and her pregnancy with the AP's child became more visible things cooled down and I accepted that the continuing strange changes in her were perhaps related to the hormonal changes of impending motherhood in the third trimester.
My wife was a very good at obfuscating and compartmentalising, and i.must give her kudos for the brilliant thespian performance. Her acting was Academy Award winning level.
Looking back.over a half century so.much is clearer now, but the one thing that sticks with me is that my gut was spot on in its warning to me.