SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Here we are, less than a month to go until my 1st anniversary of Dday and I’m wondering will it ever be enough?

Not sure if i can find a word that describes these particular feelings, but I guess I am "grateful" I have a WH who has made the choice at Dday to do a complete 180. He has bent over backwards to do what is within his power to "win" back my love and continues to prove to me that he’s worthy of a chance for Reconciliation. While he has not been perfect (nor do I expect perfection), he’s done some very very very difficult tasks to show how much being gifted a chance at R means to him and that he’s going to continue to put us before himself (honestly, tasks I’m not sure I could do if I were in his shoes).

So my question, why does it seem like his efforts are not good enough and that no matter what he does, says, shows, etc. it just feels "eh, pretty sure this is the least you could do … what else you got?!"

Part of my problem is that I’m such a stubborn person and I can hold a grudge like none other. I feel like my "bold" personality won’t allow my "softer" side (at least I think I have a softer side) to come through and feel these softer feelings of empathy and care for someone who is trying so hard.

I questioned my decision to Reconcile for three years. Every day for 3 years I wondered if I made the right decision.

I think it was my anger and frustration talking. I was not healed fully and still looking for "answers" and "why".

Once I let that go, and I really healed myself, I was able to look at the positives and stop counting my choice or decision to R.

However there are still things I do to protect myself. Even now after 11 years from Dday. It’s just the way I react to things. I still hoard $ out of fear. I just feel like I need a plan B for d drunk h just in case.

My H planning to kick me to the curb was a traumatic experience for me. I deal wish it the best way I know how. Always be prepared.

I hope this helps you. Healing takes years. Please know that.

Gently, a year isn't enough to know if R will work. It took me 3.5 years to get over the fear that our R would fail.

You get to decide the definition of 'enough' for you. Don't think you can control the outcome. Monitor your thoughts and feelings. Notice if you're getting what you want - or getting closer to it at a sufficient velocity. Have faith in yourself to know if you're getting enough.

So what do you think? Are you getting what you want right now? Are you getting more of what you want each time period you care about (day, week, month)? Is there something you want to change that can be changed?

It's still early days in your healing. Your pain will take a long time to resolve and until that day, you will likely keep up certain walls to protect yourself. It's hard to be empathetic to him when you are the one continuing to suffer with the pain of betrayal.

Work on your pain. Don't push yourself toward some deadline. Simply do what needs to be done to take care of yourself. Therapy, reading, friends, hobbies, self-care and time with your WS if that feels healing to you. You will recover. I promise.

Beyond that, you will come to realize that there isn't anything he can do to make this up to you. He can't take it back. He doesn't have a magic cure. He can and should be doing what he is doing - showing up for you every day. But that will not undo what has been done. There is no justice after infidelity. We all HATE this.

What can happen is you heal, he heals himself and some day, you reach acceptance. Acceptance that there is no changing the past. Acceptance that what is done and done. At this point you can start to look forward, releasing the past and looking toward the future.

This takes time and healing. You're doing just fine. Keep healing.

Before I could ever "trust" her I had to first of all believe her. Believe what I was seeing was real. Believe her when she said she was going somewhere. It took 2-3 years to believe

[This message edited by Tanner at 12:45 AM, Wednesday, September 18th]