SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife (WS)said the other day how happy she was that we did the work and stayed in our marriage. I thought about that for a bit before I responded. I then said. I had a very different experience than you did during and after the affair. None of it was good. And it negatively changed me. Now I know all the optimists will look for the cup being half full but for me I could have really not gone through that. I kind of think of it as the time she finally started getting her shit together. Does anybody this far out kind of feel the same? When you look back you kind of think "What the fuck were you thinking? I find she really has changed for the better and seems to have finally gotten it. But I find I became hardened and like the Matrix I ate the pill and reality set in on how screwed up my wife and her AP was. I ended up telling her . Sure things are better but if it was up to me I would have skipped the entire experience. It’s like they forget how bad it was.

Amen

She’s got rid of the knife that she used to hurt you with but you have your scars as a reminder of how painful the wound was.

Did she say that she was glad that she cheated so that you could get to the place where you are now, or did she say that she was happy that you stayed together afterwards? I don't see them as the same sentiment. Based on what you wrote above, it sounds like she's grateful that you didn't divorce her and that you have a good relationship now.

20 years out here, and I can totally relate. We like and love each other, we have a very good marriage and friendship now, but we were both severely damaged by it. Thankfully, we can still talk about it openly.

A couple of weeks ago, we went on a long road trip and talked about infidelity along the way because we happened to stop for lunch in the town where the AP lives, and where he spent time with her. Siri was listening and filled his video feed on Facebook with stuff about infidelity. He went down the BS rabbit hole and got a deeper perspective about what gaslighting and cheating does to the BS. He was horrified once again at what he'd done to me. I'm glad that happened so that he can better understand where I'm coming from.

I'm grateful that we continue to learn and grow and share intimate feelings even after 20 years, but like you, I would have rather skipped it. I'm pretty sure he would too.

Did she say that she was glad that she cheated so that you could get to the place where you are now, or did she say that she was happy that you stayed together afterwards? I don't see them as the same sentiment. Based on what you wrote above, it sounds like she's grateful that you didn't divorce her and that you have a good relationship now.

This would be my perception as well.

My wife (WS)said the other day how happy she was that we did the work and stayed in our marriage.

I hear you. WH has told me variations of this over the years and I have literally bit my tongue from saying "oh yeah - I'm freaking miserable you brought LTAP into our lives and we have to have this bleeping conversation" Or some similar snarky variation.

While it is an important thing for a Wayward to realize and admit - I get the bitch slap it can feel like.

Kind of like when some say post affair their marriage is better. A better marriage is always a good thing. BUT shouldn't be the result of trauma. That's just a freaking bitter pill.

Excellent point Chaos.

In some ways out marriage is better. At least better for me. I put myself first (not him), I am no longer a doormat and take no crap.

If I say "no" it’s no and if you try to manipulate me, you will be sorry. I will no longer try and be the nice guy.

But to your point, why did it take two affairs and his attempting to kick me to the curb to get him to change his behavior and realize the mistakes he was making?

My H’s affair started when he was very angry with me because I asked him not to do something and he kept doing it. Like a spoiled brat — he would agree NOT to do something to my face and turn around and do it behind my back. And I would know immediately he was doing it b/c there was no getting around the fact he was hours late getting home. (It wasn’t drugs or cheating lol).

I think the fall out from the affair is that the BS realizes how little the cheater actually cares for us during the affair.

I hope the cheaters all realize that they have reconciled with a very damaged and trauma ridden spouse/partner. We may look ok on the outside but if my H knew my thoughts sometimes, I think he might be shocked.

I think of many sarcastic snarky comments in my head that I don’t say. But sometimes I’m laughing to myself if he only knew what I really thought.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:33 AM, Thursday, September 26th]

Funny how that works, isn’t it? The waywards seem so proud of their new relationship and marriage while I would trade the new marriage (even though we may be closer) for the old one minus the bullshit every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Would it have made a difference to you is she had said:

My wife (WS)said the other day how thankful she was that we did the work and stayed in our marriage.

By using the word 'happy', it can indicate that you had little to do with the recovery. By being thankful, it is more empathic, recognizing you gave her the chance at R.

My wife (WS)said the other day how happy she was that we did the work and stayed in our marriage.

My H and I have this conversation a lot...but like RocketRaccoon...we use the word thankful a lot too . Being thankful that we have not only survived infidelity...but THRIVED despite it does make me very happy !

NONE of us is going to go through life without some kind of trauma. We are all on this site because infidelity is one of the traumas that entered our life. There are NO "do overs". If there were...my H would give his right arm or ANYTHING else to fix what he did. But he CAN'T. WE can't go back and fix any of our bad choices. I know I would certainly hate for MY bad choices to keep being brought up in MY face years later . How could my H ever feel worthy of me if I never gave him a chance to prove himself worthy? Thankfully my H has proven himself time and again that he IS worthy of being with me in our M .

I do admit I am an eternal optimist...but my H's infidelity had NOTHING to do with ME. It took a while for the vets on here to finally get it through my thick head. But once I got that revelation...it was very FREEING to me . I DIDN'T CHANGE. My CORE didn't change. I was collateral damage...SURE. I was a victim...OK. But I REFUSED to stay in that mindset! I learned how to ADAPT to my new environment...and I grew stronger and healthier. My H could either grow WITH me...or NOT.

My H decided he wanted to do it too. WE went down this NEW path...TOGETHER . It was hard work. It was not easy. But WE did it. I am very PROUD of it...and YES...I am so HAPPY that WE did the WORK and that we STAYED in our marriage !! It takes BOTH people to be ALL IN for this to work. There are MANY people on this site who WISH for the chance to have what your wife did...what my H did...to be ALL IN and do the WORK. Now that my H and I are on the other side of infidelity...LIFE is BEAUTIFUL .

My wife has stated she is "very grateful" for us and the chance to R. I am too, but could have done without the trauma, that was something I never want to experience again. Ever!

Thanks guys and gals. You get it. Hard to explain to a wayward. Nice to see the common theme. Makes you feel like you’re normal.

@The1stWife:

We may look ok on the outside but if my H knew my thoughts sometimes, I think he might be shocked.

Ain't that the truth!

...if my H knew my thoughts sometimes, I think he might be shocked.

What keeps you from sharing those thoughts? I can understand not sharing if the thought is fleeting, but I share the thoughts that stick around in my head.

We're retired, so we have the luxury of discussing them when they come up, but when thoughts send me into a funk, even a small funk, I get relief by sharing with my W, and she gets some relief from hearing where I am.

YMMV, of course ... but I recommend trying out sharing your darkest thoughts if they bother you. It helps if you share your best thoughts too, IMO....

My wife (WS)said the other day how happy she was that we did the work and stayed in our marriage. I thought about that for a bit before I responded. I then said…

How do you think the moment would have worked out if you had just said, "You’re welcome" ?

What do you think her response would be?