SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dday is this coming Sunday, I have been more exhausted and sad this week than normal which is still quite sad so I’m sure you can imagine or have been there.

Lately I haven’t cared much if my H is home and I’ve been enjoying my life at home with just my kids and can’t be bothered by him a lot of nights.
Last night I actually told my H I have to get to a point where if he cheats again or does anything again , I have to be ok with life without him and being okay enough to just walk away. Hell that even includes death (which I definitely do not wish) but tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. He completely agreed and even said he would understand if I were to start my own bank account for a savings just Incase.

With that being said I just joined a small group in my church where I will probably share a lot of my story since it’s a group like this , I am active again at the gym, I barely drink now, and I am finding my alone time priceless.

I guess my question is for those who have healed and stayed or left for that matter , is this the beginning of healing? I’m so worried maybe I just don’t care anymore about him or us , I like to think I’m learning to love myself and find my own path with him treading somewhere around me but not hand and hand. Idk if that makes sense. I’ve never felt more ok with being alone and having him do his thing. Maybe because I know he is fighting for me and I finally feel comfortable and loved enough that I know he wants what’s best for me finally? Maybe it’s because I see a different man in front of me , one that is really proud of who he is becoming? He looks at his kids so differently and he even speaks out against porn and what it could do to someone’s brain (his dad is also and addict) our conversations are deeper , about regrets , about plans and investments, pain and goals.

Don’t get me wrong I’m still sad 85% of the day but for 15% it’s ok.

It’s like a new found freedom and independence yet collaboration that really don’t know how to name. Maybe this is how a marriage always should have been and I’m used to the shit sandwich I’ve been given the past 5 years.
Some days it’s like we are friends again. Sex isn’t his or my priority and we just cuddle or watch movies or even debate politics, idk. It’s nice but weird.

Not sure what I’m asking maybe i just need to get my feelings out. Maybe someone out there can relate.

It’s part of the healing journey.

You are good with or without him. Good for you!

I never got to that point in my R journey, my wife was too chaotic to ever feel that comfortable. But to me it sounds like a genuine manifestation of letting go of the outcome in the circumstances you are in. I bet it feels scary to feel like you don’t need him. But you don’t. Stay with him if you want him, but not because you lie to yourself that you need him. You don’t strike me as the self-deceiving type.

Sounds to me that you are healing, becoming stronger, AND losing what sounds to me like codependency. I was a poster child of codependency. I was afraid that if I brought up too many issues, things I was unhappy about in our relationship, my wife would just say needs someone who has less issues and she would just walk out. This fear kept me in my own self-imposed prison.

When our relationship imploded the day I discovered her affair everything was up in the air. What I believed was true and good and safe and a sure bet, all gone, I couldn't believe in anything.

The best thing that came out of this affair was me breaking my codependency on her and for the first time in a long time everything just looked clearer. I got to the point where I understood that if we went our separate ways I would be fine. Yes, I would miss her and the relationship but I would be just fine on my own.

Your spouse does not make you a complete person. You are already complete on your own. Codependency can make you think and act in ways that are not healthy for yourself.

Sounds to me like you are on a good path.

This is what healing yourself looks and feels like.
Getting to the point of knowing I'm good with or without you. It is empowering to know you are choosing them, not staying because of fear of the unknown or inability to be ok alone.

Good on you!

I think so. It’s weird to explain but I went through a lot of this as the ws. Having been in both roles, I can tell you both times I experienced a period like this.

As a ws it was a little bit different, because I did prioritize his needs, but much like you he spent a good deal of time alone and that process you describe was me accepting he might not want to reconcile at any moment. I leaned into running and had to struggle to let go of that outcome. Never a runner before I worked myself up to 7-8 mile runs during that time, that’s how crazy that period was.

Both times we came together when we were stronger. This is not indicative of anyone else’s results, but yes learning to see your wants and needs in the equation and letting go of the outcome of the relationship is what I think of as a needed step. I think of it more as reflecting on what you want in your life.

I have to say it sounds like he is doing a good job with this aspect. It’s a bit of an awkward time. But if you do come back together there will be no denying it’s what you want.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:06 PM, Thursday, October 3rd]

Maybe the beginning of noticing - you've already done more than a little healing to get to this point. Good work!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:38 PM, Thursday, October 3rd]

I was young when my husband cheated while traveling. I never confronted, was terrified, still nearly worshiped him, was extremely co-dependent. Several yrs later we were having some serious issue(no cheating tho) and one day my love for him left. It was the weirdest feeling. Instead of being happy, angry or sad I felt empty. Actually empty in the middle of my body. It was as if when my love left there was a gaping hole that he had been in. He walked in the door and knew immediately something had changed. He asked if I still loved him and I told him I did not but to give me time. Slowly love came back but there never has been any more co-dependency. I got a job and found my voice. We are still kind to each other but I no longer feel responsible for his moods. He is a grown up. He can managed his own moods.
I think this might be where you are. It sure feels better since I don’t think his approval is necessary for my overall benefit. We are now two equals in this marriage.

Thank you all for your responses.

Cooley , oh my gosh yes. I actually just had the conversation with him last night that I just don’t feel anything some days for him, it could be a great day that we’ve had together and I still just feel bleh. He told me he would wait forever for me to regain my feelings for him, but it’s easy to be patient on the other end, you know what I mean? Some days I do feel empty. I just feel like there’s nothing there, but at the same time I feel like I can go on with my life and do things that I enjoy. I am realizing how codependent I have been for a very long time even before him. My life used to revolve around when he would be home or where he was and now honestly I just don’t care. He can go golfing with his buddies and I can stay home and watch a movie with the kids and go to bed and I don’t even think twice about it. He is the one that wants to be around us all the time he enjoys the bonding when I stay up and watch football or when we watch movies together and some days I just don’t wanna do that.

Almost feels like we are making progress and I am making progress then I just need space to process this shit show all over again. I am happy to say that I go back to therapy at the end of the month so I know that will help me a lot.

I like the responses that say that I’m letting go of the outcome because I think for the first time I am, but I didn’t look at it that way I just kind of looked at it as not caring but maybe I’m just getting strong enough by myself to realize either way, I’ll be OK, and I need to break the codependency because I need to be happy with who I am so I can be a better person and a better mom and just a happier healthier person overall. Sorry long sentences here talk to text because with four kids who has time to text.

As crazy as it sounds, the more independent I get and the more things that I do for myself the more he wants to be around me the more that he enjoys my company and I’m wondering if maybe I’m just happier maybe harder I’m not sure I’m struggling with that answer. Maybe I’m not so easy anymore to please? Or maybe he feels like I won’t ever chase him again, if he walks I’m fine. I don’t know how I feel about that either ? A part of me is happy for this new found freedom and another part is confused.

Once a withdrawer realizes the pursuer is no longer pursuing, the withdrawer will turn around and become the pursuer, though not always. This shifts the balance of power towards the former pursuer now turned withdrawer.

IMO, there are withdrawers that relish being pursued and abuse that power. Once the pursuer breaks the spell and stops pursuing life becomes easier.

Once a withdrawer realizes the pursuer is no longer pursuing, the withdrawer will turn around and become the pursuer, though not always. This shifts the balance of power towards the former pursuer now turned withdrawer.

I think this is good insight and reminder to be cautious. Any sense of withdrawl by me would typically make my wife briefly pursue me. I can see that dynamic now looking back on our relationship. Don’t let a temporary shift lure you back into long term commitments. Look for new healthy patterns of relating if you are going to keep pursuing R.

Wishing you all the best.

To jump on the prior post, I think sometimes it’s the "I often want what I can’t have".

He had you. He knew it. He took it for granted. He cheated. He never thought you might consider leaving. But now he fears you might. Suddenly he has to pursue you b/c you are actively becoming more independent. And now HE’s afraid he’s going to lose you.

You’ve upset the balance of power. Good for you.

I agree.

I won’t say he’s pursuing me really. He still has his goals, he still does his IC , he still has his hobbies. He did pursue me at first , catering to my needs and literally bending over backwards for me but that has settled and we are at the point where we kind of just do our own thing but he checks in more than I do, if that makes sense.

You’re right ink, at first I’m like "he’s afraid to lose me, this is a facade , he is once again doing this for his selfish needs". He’s kept at it for the past 7 months but has given me my much needed space while not losing himself in the process so I’m hopeful.

Maybe at the end of this, we will build ourselves and eachother so much we both realize that we have so much to lose and it won’t be one sided. We will know what ee bring to the table and we will heal enough as individuals that we are so strong alone and together that the bubble we built won’t burst. At least that’s how he explains it. Sounds nice.

Infidelity sucks ass.

ETA. I see how the tables have turned and when people on here say remorse comes slowly , it’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned. Each day there is a new side I see of him, a new regret, a new hope, a new change. I will say it 1 million times over looking back. He has come so far and I’m sure in six months. I’ll say the same thing and today won’t mean too much in comparison.

Remirse grows as the person grows , it’s slow and painful, but it is growth.

I’ve grown, I feel like I’m a better wife better mother and a better daughter and I have better boundaries, but it came from a lot of pain but I realize change was necessary. I am hoping after both of us heal we will come together as new people so to say but for now I see we are two lost souls just trying to find our way and it’s a rocky damn path.

Oh to add to the independence, I got a nice raise at work today so that felt good to be able to show that even through all of this hell that I’ve been through I can still make my way and I’m shocked I didn’t lose my job. I guess I’m not a quitter and I think he sees that now. I know what I have to offer.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 12:22 AM, Saturday, October 5th]

Maybe at the end of this, we will build ourselves and eachother so much we both realize that we have so much to lose and it won’t be one sided. We will know what ee bring to the table and we will heal enough as individuals that we are so strong alone and together that the bubble we built won’t burst. At least that’s how he explains it. Sounds nice.

It does. I think some people around here would even say it has happened for them.

Infidelity sucks ass.

So much ass.

I see how the tables have turned and when people on here say remorse comes slowly , it’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned. Each day there is a new side I see of him, a new regret, a new hope, a new change.

That sounds encouraging. I could never have written that, I never saw it. I hope it does indeed continue.

And not even good ass, think swamp ass

Thanks ink.

That sounds encouraging. I could never have written that, I never saw it. I hope it does indeed continue.

If it doesn’t which is a possibility, I am strong enough to know I wouldn’t stay.

Thanks to you all here I have learned so much.

From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

And not even good ass, think swamp ass

I was seriously mid bite of a sushi roll as I read this, it was almost a disaster 🍣

Glad I had McDonald’s chicken nuggets for dinner. Mr. Fancy pants

but it’s easy to be patient on the other end, you know what I mean

I disagree with this. I get why you say it, the feelings that are behind it. And honestly, I am not asking you to have empathy for him. He made his bed, so I am not saying it for that reason.

But I read everything you write. You are a vulnerable, poignant, and sentimental person. You are the deep feeling, thinking, loving person that was always worth fighting for but he was too caught up in himself to see it. You are a high quality person.

But I also know where there is great pain there was deep love, and honestly that always shines through in your posts. Yes you are disgusted, disoriented, pissed off, sad and a whole host of things. But you still praise him often in your posts. It’s evident to me you still love him underneath the piles of rubbish he has thrown all over it. And of course maybe your beginnings together as a couple were not what you read about in books or movies but love is not always about the story, it’s almost entirely an intangible.

I am hopeful what you are seeing from him is his acknowledgment of what he might lose. And while I do think someone can behave better for 7 months, you can’t fake remorse. And I don’t think if he didn’t have it that there is a chance in hell of you still being there.

And for these reasons I think there is real hope he is truly invested and steadfast. In the history of me being on this site I do not think I have ever called someone’s ws who I never met "steadfast". But the honesty you have given as you navigate your healing and the things you describe seeing, I don’t think it’s easy for him but I do think he does now know how worth it you are.

And if I am wrong, I truly believe also from what you write that you have started down the trail of being independent and good with or without him. Stay mad, stay honest, keep following your truth, it’s beautiful and inspiring, and the exact thing that is needed. If you gave an him an easy path back, you would not be seeing the growth he is doing. I believe truly any successful reconciliation requires this. Not as a manipulation but this true path you are walking. It requires the Bs to look at the hard truths and have a lot of time to process what they are seeing, what they want, and not yielding. The ws who is consistent even through all the discomfort, is the only way they will gain trust and get the bs to consider falling in love not with the ws but the better version of the person they used to be.

You are doing great, Groot. I just don’t think this is easy for either of you. That’s all. It’s only easy for someone who doesn’t care. That is not the picture you actually paint of either of you.

(And it doesn’t mean you have to choose him either in the end because despite everything sometimes it can be too little too late. I am just not really getting that from any of your posts)

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:40 AM, Saturday, October 5th]

H/O thank you for all of your kind words and I am thankful you’re still here to give all of your wisdom to us newbies.

You hit the nail when you said

If you gave an him an easy path back, you would not be seeing the growth he is doing. I believe truly any successful reconciliation requires this. Not as a manipulation but this true path you are walking.

I remember the beginning when I was still in shock and maybe a little bit of denial , he still was saying he was going to stay in the band and he really wasnt willing to change or really think he needed to change. It is insanity for me to look back on the first month after d day. Once I broke to pieces and he broke to pieces , that is when I was borh saw the destruction and the trauma that was created. I truly in my heart think if he didn’t go through hell for a solid year and still is going through hell most days I don’t think the change would have came and he still says it to this day.
The hell we used to go through was much more toxic of course and it has become more constructive? But I definitely still ask uncomfortable questions and make him face himself in the mirror, where he used to get defensive and angry now he is more evened out but just gets sad.
I try to remind myself even though this is his fault I know it’s hard for him still, I would HATE to have to face myself if I did what he did. He struggles some days to admit he completely jeopardized the well being and mental health of HIS kids. All the while hiding from God and being a selfish coward. (Not preaching here). Just words from his mouth.

The amount of pain and hurt we both have experienced I think has left us forever changed and I used to ask him a lot "what if you forget this , what if you forget what we mean to you ?" I stopped asking that because this is something that anyone involved could never forget , like he says it’s a scar that he will have to carry forever.

I will say he hasn’t waivered from
Showing us what we mean, he hasn’t been defensive since the beginning and he hasn’t broke under my pressure minus crying and feeling sick (dry heaving sometimes) but he hasn’t stopped. Maybe he thrives under pressure. I’m not sure. Now that he feels appreciated at home and has a better job he is thriving and growing like I’ve never seen and the kids haven’t changed he has. He could have always had the love and respect from his kids if he would have loved himself a long time ago. He is learning that. He’s always had this in him but he was so selfish and lazy and had a woman that loved him anyway , completely took me and his kids for granted.

All I know is that dday is tomorrow and I think if he wasn’t doing this work , if he wasn’t as disgusted and sad as me I would have a hard ass time but for now I just feel a little hollow, not angry, not mad , just sad.

You are right when you say that it is hard for both of us and I recognize that. He Will sometimes try to lean into me for support and when he’s having a really hard time looking in the mirror, he will try to use me for a distraction, and I refuse. He needs to find his own healthy coping mechanisms and outlets. That’s why I try not to interfere with golf and now that I’m more independent emotionally , it doesn’t bother me as bad. My alone time with the kids is priceless.