SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So much has come to light in this past year. After going through the motions and through my own observations and reflections, I’ve come to the conclusion that my WH appears to be the most affected by this "shit show" he’s brought to the table. Is this normal? I always considered the BS should be the most affected. That seems to not be the case for me.

Truth be told I was already checked out of my M prior to Dday and was heavily contemplating D and looking at different ways on how to execute this. Dday hits and it’s like I kinda froze in disbelief. Over the preceding months it was information overload, not just the A stuff, but learning how "bad" of a state my H was in, not only during the A, but long before. While I knew he had anxiety, I didn’t know the extremity of it and to top it off he also has insecurities. After his "indiscretions" came to light, and communication started to open up via MC and IC I am baffled by the depth of his "struggles" and am dumbfounded how he didn’t share much of this with me.

It’s almost like his infidelity has amplified his anxiety/insecurities and he’s having a hard time coping with his actions and the consequences that follow. I consider him to be in a dark place emotionally/mentally and while he tries his hardest to be there to support me, he struggles at times because there are days when he can barely keep it together for himself.

He did brain spotting in one of our MC sessions and he shared with me recently that he thinks it might of "backfired." Instead of going to a "happy place" he’s finding he’s doing the opposite. There are times I catch him staring off and he’s trying to calm himself, but he’s sitting there almost in like a trance like state crying. I usually have to snap him out of it.

Has anyone else experienced a WS like this? In many ways I refuse to "help and support" him because he brought this on himself and I’m the one who should be comforted and reassured. Then on the other hand, I can see he’s struggling immensely and as his W and the mother of his children I try to tell myself that it’s ok to offer him support if I’m strong enough to provide it.

There is apart of me that wonders if his A brought forth some sort of PTSD (or maybe triggered something else) … either way it has beaten him down mentally and I’m unsure what to do about it or how to go about it.

It’s almost like his infidelity has amplified his anxiety/insecurities and he’s having a hard time coping with his actions and the consequences that follow.

The Mirror of Truth is a bitch. And he may be having a hard time looking at it.
The biggest lie is the one you tell yourself - and the hardest truth is the one you tell yourself.

He may be having a very hard time now looking in that mirror through the lens of the cold hard truth. And realizing just how far the fallout of his actions actually reached. That's part of HIM doing HIS work. A good IC can help him with this.

Edited because my over caffeinated fingers hit POST before my brain had done telling them what to type

[This message edited by Chaos at 9:00 PM, Monday, November 4th]

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:09 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

Chaos

He could have never prepared himself for just how destructive his choices would end up being. I don’t think he ever once thought they would have affected every piece of his life. He’s received an extremely harsh (and well deserved) wake up call. He has been seeing an IC for the past few months … I think it helps him to some degree, but he has a long ways to go to battle his demons.

User4578

I’m sorry you are going through something similar. It’s definitely a weird one. Like you, I feel like I’ve been the one "picking up all the mess." Frankly, I’m tired of it and refuse to further "pick" anything up after HIS betrayal - like this isn’t how it’s supposed to work.

I’m just over a year out now and in so many ways he’s done a complete 180 … I know in my heart he is extremely disgusted with himself and he’s remorseful for his choices. My stubborn side doesn’t like to let up though (which is where I struggle).

You’re right though. There is nothing wrong with being there to support him, but like you … I keep replaying the awful choices he made and I just want him to continue to stew in them until he explodes. Then on the other hand I know these feelings aren’t helpful and extremely morbid, especially since I can physically see how fragile he can be.