Wow user4578- your situation is so similar to mine it's eerie.
When I busted my WW, in her complete f'd up hazy state, she explicitly said, "don't expect me to beg you to stay" coupled with the occasional, "you have every right to leave me, I would understand". Really?! Of course I have that f’ing right! When I told her I had talked to two divorce attorneys and a mediator, it was a REAL shock to her. I think the reality that I was willing to do that shook her out of her state. But then I didn’t follow through and she kind of settled back into her resistance to really do any work.
These things really strip people down to who they really are and yank the rose colored glasses off your face. You start looking back at your life together and that's when I realized, she’s NEVER made any of our major life decisions. It was always on me. So I recognized what she was doing was almost the stereotypical "exit affair/s". She was unhappy with her life and our relationship so rather than being honest with me and talking about it, she made some truly horrible decisions and I honestly believe she was thinking… "right, I f’d-up so much, he will certainly make the decision to end our marriage". I actually said to her on a couple occasions that sometimes I think she’s just waiting for me to make that decision and it would actually be a bit of a relief to her if/when I did.
Like yours, mine hates having to do any more 'work'. She feels she's done what is necessary so let's just move on (rug sweeping of course). Like you, I’m kind of getting worn down by the relationship and questioning what I’m waiting for, but then come back to what I said previously… I’ve made this decision (for better or worse) not to blow-up our kids’ life and our finances that would jeopardize our lifestyle. Just typing that sounds so dumb, but it is what it is right now, and I also don’t want to be seeing my kids 50% of the time.
And like you, some days are fine, I’m pre-occupied enough that thoughts of the whole thing don’t surface, but then they do and the anger and hurt start simmering just below the surface again. And I do believe I’d be a better, more present parent… and less angry, or at least not having to expend energy to keep that in check.
Mine is also complex it seems, or more complex than I knew. Just a few months ago in a rather heated conversation where I was pressing her on had she really done any self-reflection and how she could possibly have made these decisions (always trying to understand the "why?"), she broke-down and told me she had been molested and sexually abused as a young teen. I was just shocked into silence. And then I felt horrible. So it’s that weird feeling of guilt about things I’ve done/am doing.
She clearly had never dealt with the trauma and then so many pieces fell into place. Not that I’m letting her use it as an excuse, but it was the stereotypical unresolved trauma manifesting itself.
Still very mixed about it… how can you be with someone for 25 years and not trust them enough to share that with them. But in talking a bit more about it with her, it was clear, she viewed her trauma as HER trauma and burden to bear… she felt so let down by people close to her that she feels no one can be trusted to help her. I told her my view is that part of being in a marriage (or similar committed relationship) is that "your baggage" is "my baggage" too. We should be willing to help each other carry that stuff and deal with it. But it’s not how she thinks.
And finally, exactly like you, in the dark corner of my mind, there’s a perverted piece that hopes I catch her again or find-out she wasn’t 100% truthful (I’m sure she hasn’t been) so that I can say "f--- it! I tried". There would be a measure of relief on my side as well if I’m being honest.
Alright, this is nearly a thread jack, but again my point is that, the situation you find yourself in is not unique (sadly) so at least take a bit of comfort there are those of us here who completely understand and can empathize with you. It’s just a big s—t sandwich.
