SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So in February of this year, my gut instinct kicked in with husbands behaviour, so I went through his phone. Saw texts that confirmed he had cheated with someone, I threw him out. To cut a very long story short, we went for counselling where he blamed me, said I didn't show affection etc, very severe gaslighting. I investigated who he had cheated with and found it was a male prostitute, something husband denied for weeks on end. He then admitted it was and it was for oral sex, him being the recipient. He had been with him twice he said. I also found a multitude if dating sites that he registered to, read conversations with women, a swinger site with conversations and found more men he had conversed with, he denied meeting them. My dad passed away not long after all this and I allowed him back to support me and children, after my dad's funeral and him for weeks telling everyone he would put things right I found he had cheated again, with a different man, same thing along with a massage and shower. Cue me hitting rock bottom. I then had a major op, lost my dog, my cat, my job and my car and life has become too much. He is living in the house, eventually admitted he had a cocaine problem and that caused him to do what he did, he went for counselling and wants to make it work, he had a breakdown. For me, I am struggling, I've been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression, I had a suicide attempt. I currently go through his phone and find nothing, do drug tests, all clear BUT my trust is gone, I don't know how to work on getting it back, my self esteem is non existent and I overthink and do my own head in. I'm constantly in flight mode. I don't know what I want, he is my go to person, always, but is it trauma bond? He says he isn't bisexual and feels disgusted with himself but I can't get over things and overthink the evidence I found, internet searches etc

Last year was so great, very pivotal moments and I feel all my memories are tarnished. He is also a functioning alcoholic, he has said he will stop, but the other week he had 1, it sent me into a state, why did he have 1, is it because he has cheated. He says he doesn't know why he did it because he loves me and would never do it again, but he told me when we first got together he would never cheat, so words mean nothing. I battle with my own self, am I unattractive, I have body issues anyway, how could we ever be intimate, would he be thinking of someone else. I can't see a way to process my thoughts or get through them with rational thinking. I'm currently on anxiety and depression tablets

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're joining us. We have some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as those with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library has a ton of information, and includes the list of acronyms we use.

So sorry that you've had so much loss in such a short period of time. Adding infidelity to the mix is overwhelming.

One of the things we say is to watch the WS (wayward spouse) actions and don't listen to their words. You already know he lies, and will find that cheaters lie a lot. Your trust is gone and it's up to him to restore trust, which takes consistent actions over time.

Self-esteem takes a hit after infidelity and takes time to work through. The infidelity isn't based on anything you did or didn't do, how you looked or didn't look, what you said or didn't say. It's 100% part of his brokenness. He could have done a bunch of different things rather than cheat. It is due to something being broken in him - a character issue that he has.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Bonus points if they also do infidelity betrayal trauma. What you have experienced is trauma and there are many layers that you need to work through to get healthier.

Please be sure to practice self-care and be kind to yourself during this time. It takes lots of time to recover from infidelity, so it's more like a marathon than a sprint.

I can't see a way to process my thoughts or get through them with rational thinking

Do you journal? That helped me alot with processing my thoughts.

Have you thought about IC (Individual Counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist or somebody who specializes in PTSD treatment? EMDR (eye-movement sensitization and reprocessing) treatment has been found to be very helpful for treating PTSD and betrayal trauma.

It could be a trauma bond or co-dependency because they're very similar. If you've been subject to a lot of abuse or intermittent reinforcement, then it could be trauma bonding.

Your trust is gone for good reason. He hasn't done anything to restore trust. In fact, he's done the exact opposite. Until he can show consistent trust-building over time, the trust stays really low.

Meditation can help with thoughts spiraling and some of the fight/flight mode. But chronic stress can be really bad for your body, so you might want to see your doctor.

One of the things that helped me early on in this infidelity cycle was to stop believing anything the cheater says.

There is no trust and words mean nothing.

However the cheater’s actions tell you everything.

He’s not a homosexual or bisexual but chooses to have sexual encounters with men. Trust me that has NOTHING to do with you.

Also he is actively seeking out those encounters.

His actions tell you he enjoys the encounter AND he’s not admitting to himself who or what he is. Some men feel shame for being attracted to the same sex. Until he can admit that he is attracted to men, you have very little to work with.

You can see, based on the past, he will swear it won’t happen again, but it will. He really needs to be honest w/ himself and everyone.

Not saying it will save the M but you cannot heal fully if someone continues to lie when there is no reason to.