SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We were supposed to go overseas together in Oct this year, I had some health issues and encouraged him to go for the month on his own. Think about what he wanted to do in retirement, separately and together. Big picture stuff. I even said, in a very jokey off hand way, have a one night stand! Lol
Apparently this went straight to his heart like a cannonball, he began to secretly consider it. Secretly because he knew any ‘permission’ from me was tenuous at best. He took his blue pills with him.
After less than a week he met a woman, who had a partner at home but was travelling alone, and they began to spend time together. He invited her to share his room, free of charge, with a double bed, make a barrier down the middle, nothing will happen….she ignored the text. Next day they met up, he asked if he could kiss her, she said no and changed the subject. They continued to travel together, with another woman, all sharing the same room for another 2 weeks. During this time he cut down communication with me, and did not share any info on the women apart from nationality. Normally he would tell me everything. He says nothing physical ever happened, but he hung in just in case she changed her mind. I became increasingly upset and finally insisted he leave and travel alone for the last 5 days. I never knew they were all sharing one room. I have never been jealous in all our marriage cause he’s devoted right?
On his return he has slowly dripped out information about this, many times assuring me that this is the last of it, the whole truth, swearing on our daughter’s grave (she’s not dead). Then the next day something else comes out. This has gone on for 4 weeks.
He’s living in our caravan out the front of the house and is stricken. Meets most of the criteria for remorse, except for the crucial honesty part. He says sorry often, is full of shame, has arranged IC. He has been officially diagnosed with ADHD inattention type.
We are going to an intensive one on one MC workshop this weekend.
I am unmoored, devastated, feeling guilty about the one night stand remark, we’ve had some of the best sex we’ve ever had since his return, utterly shocked. The pain is immense. I have zero belief that he has told the whole truth, but realise it’s not good for my mental health to know more. I’m like a piece of driftwood, one moment moving this way, the next moment, another.
Thanks for listening.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're joining us. We encourage new members to read the posts pinned at the top of the forum, as well as the ones with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is located at the top of the page and is full of excellent resources.

You should look into IC for you, too. If you have problems with anxiety or depression, see your doctor for some meds. I'll caution you about MC - the MC is there to work on the relationship. If they believe in the "unmet needs" fallacy, they will have a tendency to shift some of the blame to you.

If you told the story below to your friend, what would they think? I'm not sure that you have all of the truth yet. Your WH should read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a little over 100 pages and is an easy read. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is much longer, and would be good for both of you.

Sorry that you're in pain. Infidelity is the worst.

Fair Enough - Comment Deleted....Best of Luck

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 12:55 PM, Thursday, November 28th]

Well WoodThrush2 please keep your judgement to yourself. I find your comment very rude and disrespectful. Mind your own goddam business. This forum is for help and understanding, not preaching and meanness. Who cares what you think about me? What a prick.

@Drowningnotwaving...

So sorry you are going through this.

On the general thread there is a discussion on why there is less usage on this site, and one of the arguments is that people are quickly scared away.

There are a lot of learned people who will be here to help you, but it is disconcerting when you are immediately attacked.

Try to ignore WoodThrush's comment as it is not at all helpful.

I can relate to your story where my wife had someone that had become more than a "friend", and when I asked if she would stop seeing him she disagreed, and I made a throwaway comment of "Well why don't you just sleep with him and get it over with". 2 weeks later she did (there is a lot more to it than that, but I can relate to the throwaway comment bit).

Agree with the IC for you suggestion... bouncing the thoughts in your head off someone else can give clarity. Journalling can also get your thoughts straight on what is real and what is not.

Expect the emotions to be all over the place. We call it the emotional rollercoaster. One of the sayings we have around here is to take what you need and leave the rest.

There is a spot here where you can journal, and writing out the thoughts and emotions can help you process through your emotions. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk is trauma based, not infidelity-related, but he has shown that certain exercises (like Pilates) can help the trauma to release from your body.

You have experienced trauma. You might feel like you're abnormal or crazy, can ask us and we'll tell you that what you're experiencing is normal.

we’ve had some of the best sex we’ve ever had since his return, utterly shocked

Hysterical bonding. It's quite normal for some folks. But I'll warn you that some people love bomb to keep their spouse unable to distance enough to get some space to try to think.

@leafields thank you for your words. I’m struggling with the fact that none of this would have happened without my throw away remark. Married 27 years. No infidelity up to now. I know the responsibility is all on him, but it feels like I loaded the gun I’ve been shot with

If he had integrity, he wouldn't have cheated. It's 100% on him. When you pledge monogamy, you have made the decision to not be with others.

Don't feel like you loaded the gun.